I Guess School Was Not for Naught

I’ve finally realized what skill school has given me; the ability to do things I don’t actually want to do. This trait is what makes me such an excellent employee. I mean, I assume I’m an excellent employee. I haven’t been fired yet and I think I’m pretty good, but I could be perhaps a tad biased. But just a tad.

In any case, my point is that school has instilled in me a certain sense of duty to do things that must be done, but aren’t necessarily overly joyful. There comes a point during undergrad (though this particular example is rather specific to me) that you just don’t want to write another paper on colonial racism ever again. The era might change, the books are different, and yet the papers remain almost stoically similar to one another. The subject is just as important as it was the first time you wrote about it, but this is now six papers later and you wonder whether the title of The Interesting Narrative of Olaudah Equiano is meant to be ironic. This is not to say that there were never any papers I didn’t enjoy. That one I wrote in third year about Richard III was pretty interesting, if only because I find Richard’s hunchback slightly amusing (I should point out that the hunchback is not the main focus of the play, so don’t read it if you’re only interested in hunchbacks. There’s an awful lot more suspiciously incestuous relationships, general bitterness, and prince-murdering than bodily disfigurement).

But I digress. The point, in short, is that these papers had to be written. I once had a friend ask me how I managed to get things done when I made it clear that I really didn’t want to do them. The answer is simple; if you don’t write the 40% final paper for your postcolonialism class, you will get a zero for 40% of your grade and the chances of your passing the course decrease significantly. Such is the same in the working world. There are things you probably don’t particularly want to do, but if you don’t do them the chances of you being fired for failing to do major aspects of what you’re being paid for increase dramatically. I suppose what I’m really trying to say is that school has given me a work ethic.

And also a vast knowledge of how British imperialism screwed everyone else up.

~ Hilary Lyon Axle Hatchet

The secret to potato salad

I won’t lie to you, I find most potato dishes generally intimidating, mostly because potatoes just take so bloody long to cook. But, potato salad might be the perfect summer bbq side, and I saw this recipe on Smitten Kitchen, and I love everything with dill pickles, so I thought, why the heck not. And I’ll let you in on a little secret: once you’ve read the recipe once you never have to read it again. Essentially, just scrub and slice your potatoes. Boil them in salted water. When they’re done and reasonably cooled, add chopped green onion, chives, or red onion, some chopped hard-boiled egg, diced celery, and in this case chopped dill pickle. Then add your mayo and vinegar. Just add a little at first and keep adding if necessary to coat the potatoes. Season with salt and pepper, and then you’re done. That’s it. It’s easy. And it’s good.

Enjoy!

~ Julia Maurice Sabre-Ocean

I want a love that can light the darkness: a post brought to you by The Bachelorette

This week kicks off the travelling! The first stop: Atlantic City. Ben Flajnik took his dates to Switzerland – I feel disappointed.

First date: one-on-one with Brad

Brad and Des head down to the boardwalk and go on a bunch of carnival rides. As Mikey T said, “he’s a good enough kid, but I don’t think he’s the one for Des”. You know what Mikey T, you might be right. I never thought I’d say that. The date goes well enough, they feed each other chocolate and hop on a merry-g0-round.

Later that night they go and sit in a giant sand castle, and talk about what sort of girl Brad would like to date. He’s being vague and says: “someone who’s a good mom.” Well. You might need to be more specific here. They head to dinner and we actually see Brad and Des eat, and while that’s great, it means that they had nothing to talk about and the film crew had to resort to filming them eating. Unheard of! The entire dinner is full of yawning pauses, so they climb to the very top of a light house where Des dumps him. I can’t help but feel like climbing three stories to do this was a bad plan. Are they going to walk down separately?

Unfortunately, Brad’s love couldn’t “light the darkness” for Des. Unlike the lighthouse they were standing in. Oh the metaphors.

Second date: group date

It’s Mister America! The 11 guys compete in a pageant. All our dreams are coming true! I can’t help but feel like the whole reason this is happening is because Chris Harrison wanted to play host again. Judged by Miss America 2013, the Mayor of Jersey and Des, the competition begins. We see the worst tap routine in the world, a terrible strip tease by Mikey T, Brooks smashes a ukulele, there’s a bad Shakespeare reading, and Chris simply walks around heels. Zach W sings a song he wrote and then they all strut around in swimsuits hamming it up for the crowd. Most likely the best segment of any Bachelorette show ever. In the end, the first ever Bachelorette’s Mister America is: KASEY! He did a terrible tap routine and it sealed the deal. He looks like Zac Efron’s older (less attractive) brother.

After the pageant they head to a pool for some drinks and drama. But first, Chris reads Des a poem that he wrote. He is a serious front-runner for us here at Sarcasm Soapbox. Perhaps our new fave? And then we’re back to the Ben bashing. To be perfectly honest, we’re not really sure why they all hate him so much (there must be something we’re not seeing). It’s not like Tierra who was absolutely the epitome of evil. But he clearly rubs everybody the wrong way, even Monk Hair (aka Bryden) who seems very reasonable. Or, maybe it’s a case of too much testosterone locked up in one house competing for a girl with slightly limp hair. In the end Zach W gets the rose for singing Des a song and making her feel special.

Back at the ranch, James sits in a bubble batch eating chocolate covered strawberries. OH MY YUM.

Third date: one-on-one with James

In a completely surprising and perhaps unromantic turn of events, they get in the helicopter not to cruise over the Swiss Alps, but to fly over the Jersey Shore that was devastated by Hurricane Sandy. It’s so, so sad, and it sort of seems like the show is using it’s unlimited funds to spread a message to it’s massive readership, rather than just make them jealous of the sweet vacation packages the contestants participate in. They meet up with Manny and Jan, two residents who had their house destroyed, and Des and James give up their romantic dinner in Atlantic City to the couple so they can enjoy a night out. It’s not going to rebuild their destroyed house, but it’s a nice gesture.

Interestingly, the camera then follows Manny and Jan – who actually eat their dinner – and listen in on their conversation, and show their private confessionals. After dinner, they’re given a letter from the Red Cross and their wedding album, that had been water-damaged, expertly restored. Bless.

We then see James and Des at a little diner, having a delightful conversation, and James has cried twice now. And so, since they obviously have such an emotional connection, James decides it’s time to open up: when he was a first year in college he cheated on his girlfriend. I think that that’s terrible. But I also think that he was 18, ten years later, he’s likely a very different person. Des says that “the temptation might still be there” but I really think that they both need to forgive him and move on.

Eventually the two pairs meet up and dance to a private concert. This date has LITERALLY lasted forever. FOREVER. I get it, you want to shine a spotlight on the devastation of Sandy, but all this time we could have been watching more pageant footage. I just can’t help but feel like this episode might have been poorly edited.

The cocktail party:

First up, Mike G gets to chat with Des, who wrote her an acrostic poem and then made out with her. Then Des and Chris chat, and Chris asks her questions and draws out info from her; a change for this show. And then, dun dun dun, Bryden, calls Des aside, and lets her know that he feels that the connection is falling behind. In a shocking twist, Bryden lets the viewers at home know that his feelings are waning and if Des gave him a rose, he’s not sure he would even accept it. Is it just me or did this completely come out of left field?

The Rose Ceremony:

Tonight, Des sends home Zach, the book publisher who wore the bow tie. It’s a little sad, he seemed so cute. I just hope, that Bryden doesn’t decide to take his monk-hair and leave next week, or I will really feel bad for Zach.

Next week, they head to Munich!

Discovering Groenland

Ordinarily the Cineplex Pre Show provides very little value for movie goers. I can’t be the only person who finds that technology reviewer (Mark Salsberg?) to be outlandishly annoying. No matter how much you try and pitch it, I’m never going to buy a pen with a spy camera, please Mark, let’s just move on with our lives. But occasionally they show interview clips with Canadian indie bands and that led me to Groenland.

I dropped the ball, so here, look at Matthew Lewis being generally gorgeous.

I really dropped the ball on Triple Post Thursday yesterday. Actually I dropped the ball on just posting at all yesterday. It was an awkward stressful sort of day where I just felt anxious and nauseous all day long and that’s not really all that interesting, nor is it prime material for a blog post. So when I got home from celebrating Hil’s graduation at 10:00 last night (YAY CONGRATS HILLY!), I created this post. It’s what I was in the mood for, and I don’t think you all will mind it much either I give you photos of Matthew Lewis.

So Comparing British Celebrities to Animals is a Thing then?

I was emailing Julia at work the other day and she sent me a rather hilarious photo of Nicholas Cage’s face on a sloth. So, in return, I sent her a photo of Martin Freeman being compared to a hedgehog, which I assure you is a legitimate cultural phenomenon. I kid you not, almost the first thing that populates when you type Martin Freeman’s name into Google is “Martin Freeman hedgehog”. This man was the hobbit in The Hobbit and the first thing people want to know about him is how much he looks like a hedgehog.

Finally Done School!

Today I convocate. I officially graduate from school and it only took 17 years. Yay!

The “Muggerload” (in related news, I make terrible puns)

The other day my sister-in-law Jess mentioned that I shouldn’t even bother owning glasses because I have so many mugs. I should just drink everything out of mugs. Come over, want a glass of wine? Sure but you have to drink it out of this London skyline mug. Oh, you’d like a glass of water? Alas, all you can use is this flamingo mug. So that got me thinking that yes, I should do this, and these are the mugs I’m looking at adding to the collection next:

I Don’t Understand These Casting Choices

Julia and I went to see Internship last night, which was pretty funny. A nice gentle comedy really. And we accidentally saw it in one of the fancy theaters Cineplex has now. It was a bit like stepping back into time…into 1994 and the set of Space Jam. Timeless.

Mind. Blown.

For all of you who have Googled “Jessica Love Hewitt mole” and somehow found our blog (there are for some reason so many of you!), you will probably be astounded to know that Jessica Love Hewitt is not only moleless (as far as Hilary and I have ever been able to tell) but also pregnant and engaged. But wait. That’s not even the most exciting part. While I think this might throw a wrench into the writers’ of the Client List plans (she’s kinda nakey in that show a lot right?) it doesn’t even come close to comparing to what I learned yesterday. Jessica Love Hewitt once dated Ben Flajnik.