So here we are, watching The Bachelor with our good friend Cristina a.k.a. Cheetah Pet. As we watch, a few things come to mind almost immediately. For instance, was anyone really surprised when the helicopter made its first appearance? It’s over-played, Bachelor producers. We all saw it coming. You know what else we saw coming? Elyse’s early dismissal, let’s be honest. That was so obvious that it came around the bend in a sequin crop-top and tap shoes. Speaking of crop-tops, Blakely, pull your baseball shirt down. You’re coming off a little desperate. Or maybe you always wore crop-tops when you played baseball all through high school and college. You’re thirty-four, stop living in the past.
But let’s talk about some of the crazies showing their true colours on the show. First on the list is Blakely, since we’re already talking about her. Here are some memorable quotations, in case you missed them, with a little bit of sass added. For instance, after losing the baseball game, Blakely had this gem of uplifting positivity to share with her team. “I busted my ass out there because I thought you wanted it just as bad!” You know what, Blakely, some of us don’t have hand-eye coordination. LET IT GO. Other tidbits of fun include, “I just want a chance to talk to him like everybody else…” (as she weeps quietly to herself). Well, you know what, you have had that chance, you horrible, horrible shrew.
Next on the list of people that we strongly dislike is the lovely Courtney. Yes, that was sarcasm. Courtney, has Bambi eyes. And by Bambi I mean wide-psycho killer eyes that permanently hint at danger. Don’t do it Ben, she’ll devour your puppy dog soul! Courtney is not known for her tact. When Elyse was sent home, she said, “It blew my panties off”. And then she went skinny dipping with Ben behind everyone else’s back. For her act of sabotage and deception, she deserves to actually have her panties blown off, along with one of her butt cheeks.
And now on to Elyse. Poor, poor Elyse. As Cristina said, “She’s Jersey Shore, is she not? Her orange foundation is running as we speak”. Elyse went on her first date with Ben with the desperate strategy to be as honest as possible. We here at Sarcasm Soapbox are real advocates for blunt honesty, but sometimes, when you says things like “Let’s just screw all the other girls and get married right here, right now”, you run the risk of having someone say this back to you: “Unfortunately I only have so much time here”. I think we can all read between the lines, and what he really meant to tack onto the end of that was “and I don’t want to waste time with you”. And he does not. But that’s not to say that Ben did not approach the date with open-minded optimism. As he said, “My last date on a boat was monumental. That’s when all my feelings changed. I think being on the water can do that”. Hey, you know what, Ben? So can being on land. Though, Ben, we have to give you much credit! You handle these rejections with so much grace. Thank you for being a normal human being!
On another note, hey, Emily, stop talking about Courtney! You’re coming off as crazy and mean. And you just got lectured by the “love of your life”. And, Courtney, you can’t make wishes by blowing out regular candles. It’s not your birthday and that was to keep the mosquitoes away. When you contract some horrible strand of Costa Rican malaria, you’ll only have yourself to blame.
WHAT? You’re sending home Jennifer? This is the biggest upset since…some sports reference that I don’t know. But seriously, I thought she was the best kisser in the house, Ben? I think we can all agree, however, that she was a pretty gracious loser. Way to leave on a high note, Jennifer. You’re the best and we all wish it was Emily, Courtney, or that nondescript blonde chick that just kind of lurks about instead.