I spent nine years of my life in an iron lung! A post brought to you by The Bachelor

We start this week’s episode with another helicopter. In a  helicopter again? Good Lord. In other news, if any one of these girls says “like” ONE MORE TIME we will hunt them down and smack them with a dictionary. It’s really annoying. So very, very annoying. Like Courtney.

On the first date, Ben takes Kasey B. to a deserted island, where they will be totally alone (except for the camera crew). Ben started off the date saying,”This deserted island is a test for our relationship” Going to build a shelter out of palm tree leaves to see if we have teamwork ? You’re not the cast of Lost. Good news, though, Ben and Kasey do have teamwork skills, so she gets a rose. Congratulations. You work well with others.

Later on the date, the two of them sat at dinner and Kasey shared the darkest secrets from her past. As our friend Jill said, “why is it that telling a deep dark secret correlates to getting a rose? They play it off as open and honest but…”, to which Julia responded, “I would never get a rose! I – I – I had a twin that died at birth! I overcame polio!”. And then I said, “I spent nine years of my life in an iron lung!” That would be enough to get me a rose, right? I mean, it’s no asbestos poisoning…

Courtney is continuing with her unnecessarily malicious attitude. At least she’s consistent? She purposefully trotted around in her bikini behind Ben’s one-on-one conversation with Jamie. Unnecessarily mean. She also spent a large portion of the group date without a shirt on. Classy.

Later, Blakely and Rachel go on a super uncomfortable two-on-one date with Ben. What’s better than salsa dancing lessons for three? Oh right, almost anything. Like being in an iron lung. Regrettably (but not really because we dislike Blakely), Blakely gets sent home after pouring out her heart to Ben and showing him her scrapbook. That’s right, her scrapbook, dedicated to Ben. Is that cute or terrifying? When did she find the time? Did she start before the show and bring craft supplies? That’s taking initiative. Nothing like extra credit work to get the rose. Are we terrible people for making fun of her? Probably. We’re okay with it, though.

Oh Chris Harrison, you're our favourite part.

On the plus side, this episode had a lot of bonus footage of Chris Harrison, who, let’s be honest, is the best part of the show. When confronting Kasey S. about her ex-boyfriend, he asked, “Are you in love with Michael?”, to which she replied, “I don’t want to b-“. The rest of the conversation went something like this: “Are you in love with Michael?” “Well-” “So what you’re saying is that you’re in love with Michael?” “..yes.” And then she gets brought to Ben, who basically tells her off and sends her home immediately. Ah well. Her final farewell to the camera was pretty hilarious, though. She will forever be immortalized by one slow whine/cry, which sounded not unlike a vacuum cleaner accelerating in a drag race. Kasey gives one more final thought, wrought with “likes”, saying, “it wasn’t Ben and like now I have to find somebody else and like I still have to deal with this”. This raises the question of if she even like him?.As our friend Emily said, “It’s not even like your feelings are hurt, your plans are just ruined!”

At the end of the episode, Jamie is sent home after what is possibly the most awkward Bachelor moment in history. Please stop telling him how to kiss you. Just please stop. Please. We’re uncomfortable on your behalf. Please…just stop. Also, get off his lap. Your dress is too short for that.

Hey, Emily, stop rapping! It’s annoying. Also, you just said “bacterial” and “fungal” in what we can only assume was supposed to be romantic. Please, be a little more monotone.

And, we will leave you with one more thought. In the words of Chris Harrison, “If you’re not open to finding love, this is not going to work”. PREACH!

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3 thoughts on “I spent nine years of my life in an iron lung! A post brought to you by The Bachelor

  1. […] Bachelor post on Mondays, such as “Who knew that strippers could play baseball?” and “I spent nine years in an iron lung”.  These are The Weekly Bachelor Posts. But, starting next week, we will be introducing two new […]

  2. […] is an inconvenience was ludicrous. But next time you’re right in the middle of making fun of The Bachelor, and have to pee, you too will realize that she’s […]

  3. […] then tells Ben that she’s falling for him, but it goes well because she did not make him a scrapbook. In the immortal words of LindZI, “fairy tales are magical”. Shut up. You make me want […]

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