It has come to my realization that perhaps you don’t fully understand all of the things I complain about because you don’t understand what the terminology means, like what a slow-walker is. That’s probably a bad example, because you’re not a moron and that term is pretty self-explanatory. I’m positive that you have figured it out for yourself. Regardless, I will now compose a list of categories for irritating people, admittedly largely based on episodes of Seinfeld.
1. Slow-walkers: Let’s start with something easy (not that any of them are particularly hard codes to crack). A slow-walker is literally a person that walks slowly. However, like I have said before, these people seem to only crop up in front of you when you have somewhere important to be in a hurry. Airports and grocery stores are rife with slow-walkers.
2. Close-talkers: This one is also pretty logical. Close-talkers tend to stand very close to you as they talk to you. They’re actually more uncomfortable than annoying. My neighbour is a bit of a close-talker, but he also has a lazy eye, which makes it doubly as awkward, because you don’t know which eye to look at while he speaks to you, four inches away from your face.
3. High-talkers: This one is also more awkward than irritating. High-talkers, as seen on Seinfeld, are people that have very high-pitched voices, usually men. I once had a very lengthy phone conversation with someone that I had assumed was Susan, only to be corrected five minutes in by the other person, who was in fact Susan’s husband. Embarrassing for both parties.
4. Loud-talkers: This is an interesting one in terms of the awkward-to-annoying ratio. If you do not know the person, they are annoying. They usually appear in quiet study areas, churches, or the public library, where they then proceed to distract you with their obscenely loud conversations. Sometimes they talk in acronyms. However, if you are friends with the loud-talker, then the situation becomes mostly embarrassing for you. Other people turn and give you dirty looks, which the loud-talker doesn’t notice, and you are left feeling personally responsible for their loud-talking.
5. Low/Soft-talkers: These people talk too quietly, as opposed to loudly, and you are then forced to ask them to repeat themselves multiple times. By the time they’ve told the same story four times, you still don’t know what they’re talking about, but you’re now too embarrassed to ask again, so you just smile and nod. Later, you discover that they were telling you that their grandmother died.
6. Mouth-breathers: As we’ve already mentioned, mouth-breathers are the worst. Here’s a tip, close your mouth. It really would be best for all of us and I’d probably stop glaring at you. Probably.
7. Loud-chewers: On that note, we’ve also already shared our great dislike for people who eat loudly. There are different types of loud-chewers. There are the kind that make smacking noises when they eat peanut butter or guacamole. And there are also the kind that make excessive crunching noises. I mean, we get it, tortilla chips are hard, but please, just shut up. There are the slurpers, who consume soup loudly. And then there are the people who manage to do all of these things at once. My father crunches bananas. BANANAS! Figure that one out.
8. Nose-whistlers: This category of people is filled mostly with elderly men who sit behind you in church and don’t realize that their nose is creating a horrible sound every single time they inhale.
And so, if you are ever confused about any type of person that I hate, please reference this post. Also, if you think you might fall under one of these umbrellas, I strongly urge you to ask someone about it. And then stop whatever irritating thing it is that you were doing because everyone else near you wants to kick you in the shin. It will be best for everyone, I promise.