We start off this episode in beautiful Belize. And with Emily already bashing Courtney, calling her a shark. Obviously with less teeth, though. Nikki thinks that she doesn’t need much more time before she can say that she’s in love with Ben, at which point, we here at Sarcasm Soapbox would like to point out that it’s only been about five weeks. That is a barely a month. I’ve known people for years that I still only tolerate. And then she started crying, one date card in. Relax, woman, you could still get a one-on-one date. Good Lord.
Ben shows up in a tank top, which is unfortunate. And they take off in yet ANOTHER helicopter, while Emily compares Ben to cheesecake. Is that supposed to be a compliment? Ben and Lindzi (what a stupid name) take off to Ben’s “special spot” (rude) with a moving score in the background. And then Ben tortures LindZI, by hurling her out of a helicopter into deep water below. Ben tells the camera that he’s not sure if she’ll be able to do it. As Julia pointed out, “maybe she’s afraid of being eaten by a tuna”. And maybe she’s also afraid of drowning or plummeting to her death. But as LindZI said, “He’s worth the fall”. I just threw up in my mouth. But at least she has someone to kiss after conquering her fear, and isn’t that really what matters? No. The nightmares that will torment her later that night are what really matters.
Can we please reflect on LindZI’s bangs for a moment. Why don’t they look right? And she has slowly become orange. She looks like a tangerine. And her voice is oddly croaky at all times. But at least she pronounces the “t” in important, right, Jill? On another note, she is also falling in love with Ben. Way to be unoriginal, LindZI. LindZI then tells Ben that she’s falling for him, but it goes well because she did not make him a scrapbook. In the immortal words of LindZI, “fairy tales are magical”. Shut up. You make me want to punch myself in the face. And then they write an outrageously sappy story together that also makes me want to punch myself in the face. But, at the end of the night, LindZI gets props for being so honest. Then they toss a wine bottle into the beautiful ocean with their crappy love note inside of it. Way to pollute the ocean with your horrible writing skills. The people of Belize thank you. I’m kidding. They don’t.
Emily gets the second one-on-one date with Ben, which prompts Courtney to tear up. People, there are still more date cards! These have been my favourite words of the season thus far: “Courtney sucks”. Couldn’t agree more, Kasey B. I guess we can start calling her just Kasey now after that other nondescript one went home when Chris Harrison randomly accused her of being in love with Michael. “But you’re in love with Michael right?”
On Ben’s date with Emily, they ride bicycles together, drink beer in public, and drink from coconuts. They also walk hand-in-hand, barefoot and sweaty. Romantic. Then they chat with a lobster fisherman, who is now our favourite person on the show. I kind of want Ben to choose him at the end. We also learn that Emily is incredibly irritating when they go lobster fishing together. She apparently didn’t realize that lobsters swim. The education system in America must suck. Emily is a super huge downer and keeps talking about all the other women Ben is dating. It’s the freaking Bachelor! I’m confused as to how you thought this was going to work.
Back at the house, Courtney blames Ben for the awful things Emily said to her, which she apologized for. Huh. And it appears that LindZI has become Courtney’s new confidant. How unfortunate for her. Meanwhile, Emily once again finds a way to bring up the horrible things she said about Courtney. Why do you keep reminding him of that? Do you want him to fixate on your flaws forever or something? Because I, for one, am tired of hearing about it. Ben toasts to Emily, saying that he knows smart people don’t like to be called smart all the time. So he calls her pretty instead. As a smart person, I can assure you that that is simply not true. I love to be called smart all the time. I strongly encourage you to compliment me on my incredible intelligence the next time you see me. You can also call me pretty if you’d like, but please, tell me I’m smart.
In other news, Courtney receives the next date card after complaining about how she thinks Ben has forgotten about her. Of course, when she gets the date card, she’s totally appeased. You wouldn’t know it from her horribly monotone voice, though. Kasey’s reaction to Courtney was priceless. I would also like to spring across the room and punch Courtney in the face if I were ever so unlucky to be in the same room as her. Well said, Kasey. Well said.
Ben thinks the “feelings are stronger” and the “connection is deeper”. If only he knew…He brings her to a Mayan temple where they “do the human sacrifices”, according to Courtney. If only she was a virgin. Then he could push her over the edge for the gods. Besides, as our brilliant friend Jill aptly pointed out, it was the Aztecs that did the whole human sacrifice thing. Stupid. Then Courtney proceeds to unload all of her complaints and crap on Ben on top of the temple while she fans herself. “I’ve lost the spark, babe”. Now would be a great time to push her over the edge, Ben. No one would blame you. But then the emotional music swells in the background because Ben “respects her honesty”. Ugh. Apparently it was harder for Courtney than any of the other girls. Julia blames it on her unibrow and, really, don’t we all? Courtney is totally fine by the end of the conversation and even makes sappy metaphors about steps in their relationship as they climb up the temple. Clever. She plays it all off by saying that she was “a little nervous” when she woke up that morning. Nervous?! You were ready to bolt. And more emotional music. I swear, they must have hired John Williams for this episode.
Courtney concludes the date by insulting the other loves of Ben’s life. Good plan. She also lies through her teeth and says that she compliments them all the time. No, you don’t. You hate them and they hate you. Courtney then finds a way to once again let everyone know that she’s a model. We get it. We don’t understand it, because your EYEBROW is enormous. Courtney says that the girls are driving her crazy and “she wants to rip her hair out”. Why don’t you rip out some of the hair in the middle of your EYEBROW?
But she gets hers when Rachel, Nikki, and Kasey team up on their group date to let Ben know how awful Courtney really is, in a very diplomatic way. Well done, ladies. And then he keeps her. ARE YOU KIDDING?! SHE’S AWFUL! AND SMUG! Quick, someone beat her. Poor Emily and Rachel. This sucks. Courtney sucks.