Just Because I’m Unwilling to Hurl Myself Off a Cliff, It Does Not Mean I Love You Any Less: A Post Brought to You by The Bachelor

This week, Ben visits the four remaining women in their hometowns. We start off with LindZI. She once again brings up how broken-hearted she was after that guy dumped her by text. And once again, as our friend Elizabeth pointed out, she’s on a horse. But apparently Ben thinks she looks better on a horse. That’s strange, right? Also, according to LindZI, she rode a horse before she walked, which seems very unsafe. The best line comes when LindZI says, “I was taught that when you fall of horses, you get back on and love is the same way”. Do the producers tell them to say these sappy things? Or do you think everyone on The Bachelor just talks in cliche colloquialisms?

On the plus side, LindZI’s parents turn out to be normal (not like Kirk’s taxidermy-obsessed step-dad). But then they start carriage racing, which was strange and a little elitist. I’m okay with it. According to LindZI’s mother, they kept her away from boys and focused on the horses, which is also strange and perhaps not how she wanted it to sound. And then LindZI’s father says that LindZI is their only child so they want her to be happy, which begs the question of whether or not they would have wanted her to be happy if they had more than one child. But all in all, Harry and Margie are supportive and kind, which is a nice change from Ashley’s psychotic sister last season.

Next, Ben is off to visit Kasey. And, of course, there is baton twirling, which I’m pretty sure is Kasey’s only gimmick. Ben likes it though because he wants the woman he ends up with to feel alive. Well, yes, Ben, not a lot of people would like to marry corpses. Some people would, but they’re ostracized by society. Kasey leaps into Ben’s arms, classic Bachelor. Also, have you noticed that she laughs like a gerbil? Kasey’s father, in other news, doesn’t drink, which worries Ben because he doesn’t think they’ll have anything in common. Apparently Ben’s only interest is wine.

When they arrive at the house, we meet Kasey’s family. Her father, Vinny, is a hardcore Southern man. Her mother, Martha, has rocking hair and looks about fourteen years younger than Vinny (that’s right, fourteen). And Kasey’s sister (Alison? Alice? Elspeth?) is adorable and normal. We are then lead with some major foreshadowing and Kasey’s father continues to be terrifying, but with good intentions. Still terrifying, though. Ben is perhaps a little too honest with the man. Her parents are very conservative. And then we’re startled by his hair in off-screen confessionals. He looks like a cross between a Hansen brother and a mushroom. Not good. Although the visit was not all kittens and rainbows, we have to agree with some of the points Vinny brought up. They have really only been together for seven weeks at the most and he has been dating a slew of other women during that time.

Next is Nikki’s hometown. Another horrible, sappy comparison. Finding the right partner is like finding the right pair of boots. No it’s not. Shut up. Nice costume change before going to the saloon. That’s right, you read that right. Saloon. When Nikki brings him to her house and says “Welcome home!”, he responds with a super positive and enthusiastic, “Uh oh”. Not a good sign. Nikki’s mother is cheery and delightful. Nikki tells us that her father loves her “so much”. Ummm…that’s good? He is your father. They have a heartfelt conversation wherein they both cry and Nikki’s father does cute things. Then he proceeds to call her “Necky” several times, which was confusing at first. And, really, her brother may as well have not even bothered to show up for all the air time he got. He did say one thing, though, at which point we were all startled and couldn’t figure out who he was or why he was there. He is clearly a very important part of her life.

And now, on to Courtney’s hometown date. Get ready, folks. Wow, what? Remorse? Did Courtney actually say that she regretted the way she treated some of the girls? Probably just because it reflected badly on her in front of Ben. Courtney says that her father calls their house “El Casa de Ninas” or “House of Little Girls”, which is really creepy. Jump into the back of my van, kids! I have candy and puppies! Courtney says, at dinner, which is weird, that she’s in like/love with Ben and her mother is deeply skeptical, which is not a good sign. Courtney then shows us that she has trouble with basic math and nouns. “Wait? Sister time? That’s me, right?” And then her father makes the most depressing analogy ever when he says that “marriage is life’s biggest gamble”. We feel like it shouldn’t be. Marriage should be more of a sure thing. Then Courtney’s mother says some confusing and slightly alarming things. She’s probably on heavy narcotics. Courtney also says that she “feels deserving” of Ben’s love. You’re not. Shut up.

Once more, Courtney tells us that she’s a model. Okay, we get it, you’re pretty. Please, stop telling us that. And then Courtney steps off the deep end and plans a fake wedding for the two of them. Ben laughs, but mostly out of fear. She just happens to be wearing white and forces him to write vows for her. The Bachelor then tries to turn this into another teaching moment, totally masking the creepiness of the whole thing. Courtney says that she would conquer her greatest fears to prove her love for Ben. I would not do that. I’m not going to let a tarantula crawl all over my leg because I love you. Sorry. I cherish my life too much. They share their vows in front of a stranger, who undoubtedly feels just as uncomfortable as we do, if not more. Courtney’s vows rhyme. What a skank. Then they drive away in a white, unmarked van (probably her father’s) that says “almost married” on the back of it. And we’re left wondering how Ben took it as well as he did. We sure didn’t.

And then we have our very first conference with Ben and Chris Harrison, a.k.a. The Bachelor God. Do we really need a recap, though? We just sat through an hour and forty-five minutes of this. The only difference is with the faded lighting. The conversation with Chris Harrison turns out to be really boring with a side geography lesson. Then Ben just casually mentions his “faux wedding”. Making it French does not make it normal. At the rose ceremony, Nikki looks pregnant. Surprise! Courtney gets the first rose, which makes us all want to vomit and then die. Kasey is then sent home because of her family visit was the worst. Maybe if Vinny had been less stern. Nikki and LindZI hug her good-bye and Courtney awkwardly sidles away, not wishing to be part of the group hug. Ben has nothing to say to Kasey, who cries and makes us all incredibly sad. It’s okay, Kasey, he has hideous hair and he’s clearly a moron because he keeps giving Courtney roses. Ugh. On the plus side, she’s not a super ugly crier (as she says some really, really depressing things that make us both uncomfortable and upset on her behalf). We have lost a lot of respect for Ben. Double ugh.

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