I have given up candy for lent and I can’t for the life of me figure out why now. This is particularly sad because it has only been seven days. Just one week. I am jonesing for a Skittle. One Skittle. I don’t know how I’m going to survive for the next forty days. I’m not, is probably the most likely answer. Maybe it’ll get easier after a while. Or at least, I hope it will get easier after a while.
In all actuality, it’s probably a good thing that I have done this to myself considering that I haven’t eaten candy for a week and I already want some. That’s ridiculous (and a little frightening, if we’re being honest). I’m slightly ashamed. Other people are addicted to meth and alcohol, but I am addicted to sugar. How embarrassing. I’m surprised that I don’t weigh four hundred pounds. And you probably are too now.
And so, in the event that I don’t make it through the entire forty days, I will now outline my final will and testament:
To Julia, I bequeath my sock collection and my CD collection. You already have all the music in your iTunes, but now you can have the album art as well.
To Coleta, I leave you my boots. Hahahaha, sucker. But seriously, you’re welcome.
To Mike, I bequeath my thesaurus. It’s from 1973 and it’s missing roughly ten thousand words, but at least you’ll have synonyms for the word “baffled”. You will be able to say things like “bamboozled”, “confounded”, “bewildered”, and “flabbergasted” with confidence.
To my father (a.k.a. Lord Charlesington, a.k.a. Fire Chief Dad), I leave you the fire extinguisher in the kitchen. Granted, it’s technically already yours…
To my mother, I leave you the indefinite opportunity to rearrange every piece of furniture in my room, no matter what Fire Chief Dad says.
To my brother, I leave you nothing because you already got the good car.
To Jess, I leave you nothing as well, but dub you the official reigning queen of beauty and hair care. Because I clearly have the authority to do that. You’re welcome.
You know what? I really don’t have a whole lot more than that. How sad. Anyway, I guess I’m prepared now. I think I will miss Rachel the most.
I’d go on, but I don’t have the strength. I have eaten so much fruit this past week to replace my usual fruit-flavoured candy intake that I’d probably bleed fruit punch (not actually, it doesn’t work like that). Anyway, I’ll talk to you later if I make it through withdrawal.