The Voice: boy I wish this show was funnier

The Voice is pretty much the least hilarious show on tv, next to Criminal Minds which is just scary. I have to shampoo with one eye open from now on because I’m so afraid of home invasions. Anyways, It’s a challenge to make these posts funny, people. It’s not like The Bachelor; that stuff just writes itself.

Wade vs James (Cee Lo)

This is the only time I’ve ever liked “True Colors” mostly because Cyndi Lauper is not singing it. I just can’t handle her speech impediment – perhaps that is unkind – but really, she can’t say “r”s! Look it up. James and his headband win the battle.

Nicolle vs Mathai (Adam)

Oh we have a newfound love for Robin Thicke. I couldn’t name you a single Robin Thicke song, but when he says that Nicolle’s voice sounds “like morning coffee on the veranda” I became and instant fan. So, lovely. We like Mathai’s little sparrow warble, it’s quite lovely. But unfortunately Christina’s right boob stole the whole show. It looks like she’s trying to keep them up with her belt, but the cups runeth over. Mathai, not unsurprisingly wins, though this was the most depressing battle. We see Nicolle’s younger brother crying, as Adam declares that he was disappointed in them both. Wah 😦

Moses vs The Line (Christina)

Would you like me to pick up that name you just dropped, Christina? Not all of us can share the stage with Mick Jagger. Jeepers. But mostly, why does the female half of The Line have a tambourine? And why does the male half look so wholesome when his voice is so badass? I feel sad for him. If we didn’t have to watch this trio preform, it would have been amazing, but they all looked a bit awkward being around each other. Hm. Moses wins this round – it was anybody’s game. Female half of the line clenches her jaw and refuses to talk to the camera because she’s so pissed. Somebody’s pulling a Courtney!

Orlando vs Carla (Adam)

Adam gives thin, pretty Carla the stage name Bertha. That goes in a totally different direction from Sasha Fierce we have to say, and yet we of course love it. We named our Sable Sybil/Mable – we love old lady names. Their battle is not so much duking it out, as it is a compilation. It looks like they’re two established artists heading out on tour together. Best of luck to Adam! Wouldn’t wanna be ya! Carla wins the battle which is a bit surprising, but it must have been the Bertha within.

Jordan vs Naia (Blake)

Naia has dreadlocks like you would NOT believe. They go past her bum. She has been working on them since she was in the womb. In fact, her whole family has dreadlocks. I suppose it does save on shampoo. Naia wins with experience, over 17 year-old Jordan, though they were equally bad, both bailing out on their harmonies.

Justin vs Tony (Cee Lo)

Justin and Tony are so supportive of each other to the point of self-deprecation. It’s about outrageous but heartwarming, as they bring Cee Lo to tears. Perhaps this is why he always wears sunglasses. Justin and Tony were such a power couple that we don’t want anybody to lose. In fact, we want them to team up and be singing bffs forever, but I suppose that’s not the whole point of the show. Tony (super pretty), calling it a bittersweet victory, beats out Justin (super scruffy). These men are just too nice!

And we’ll just leave this with you. Christina Milian, whatever happened to you?

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