The First Quarter finals. We’re down to the final four of each team, and it’s Blake versus Christina. Is it just me, or did the final four rather sneak up? Wasn’t it just last week there were a billion contestants?
And tonight, on the most dramatic episode of The Bachelor ever… er… And tonight, a shocking twist on The Voice, Blake and Christina must instantly eliminate one of their performers. This might actually be interesting! Though, much like The Bachelor, Christina is taking after Lindzi and has become tangerine. Is that just our tv? Please discuss. Also, HOLY TURQUOISE EYESHADOW, BATMAN!
She’s the only country artist (thank the good Lord). She’s also a performer, even though she’s only seventeen. And boy does she know how to strut. Christina, for once in her life, is kind to someone else team. She calls her a bad-ass, even though she’s a minor? Apparently that’s a concern for Christina. And her mother is delightful. RaeLynn has such a sweetie-pie tiny face, and such a big sassy roar of a voice. We approve.
Jesse is singing Halo by Beyonce about his daughter, his little saving grace: “a better life is what’s at stake.” Lanta! And then, he bursts out into the chorus, and the stage lights up with photos of Jesse and his daughter – they want to make people cry and honestly, it is working. I like Beyonce as much as the next girl (well probably a little less) but Jesse blows her out of the water. Gallons of tears later, the crowd goes wild with well-deserved applause.
We’re going to see a change in Jordis this week apparently. I don’t remember her from last week, so I’ll take your word for it Blake. Joris is really hoping to win this, to make her music career work out this time, as she sings Stronger (sadly not the one by Kelly Clarkson.) She’s ok. It’s a little boring, but she has a nice voice and the song showcases her ability well.
Random musical interlude: Christina and team go to Crenshaw High School, giving back to the community, and inviting them to sing on the show. They sing only in the background which is slightly disappointing because they were so gospel and so awesome! Chistina wears a leotard which was perhaps a mistake. Though we clearly see now that her boobs are actually in proportion. I’m not clear why we had this interlude but I didn’t dislike it, so that’s ok I guess.
Ashley vows to make every performance a take-it-or-leave-it performance. It’s rather rock opera if we’re being honest, though her voice is extremely powerful. We weren’t the biggest fans, but all the judges loved it.
Another random musical interlude: Now Maroon 5 is performing and we’re, once again, not quite sure why. It’s nice to see that the bassist has stuck with the long hair trend. He really took that and ran with it. In the wise words of Maya Rudolph, “You mean that hair was on your head when Tupac was alive?” It seems likely.
Erin is singing Set Fire to the Rain by Adele. Of course she is. I look forward to this. Also, Blake used to have a mullet. It was permed. And yet still it was better than Billy Ray Cyrus’s. Blake and Erin bond over the loss of their fathers and we’re basically in tears all over again. Is it possible that I liked that almost as much as the Adele version? And Adam turns hilarious and Jewish apparently when he comments on the fire.
Lindsey does a strange rendition of Katy Perry’s newest song. She is also proof as to why the half shaved head trend is bad news when it starts to grow out. Half of your head now looks like a mushroom. Congratulations. This is also really boring. Who takes a pop song and makes it slow and moody? She does, apparently. And I wished she hadn’t.
Yet another random musical interlude: Now it’s Blake’s team’s turn to sing a song with him. It’s already so much better than Christina’s because Blake actually looks like part of the team and they’re not just his random back up singers. He’s also wearing pants, which was a very, very good idea. Very, very good. I cannot stress that enough.
Holla! It’s Jermaine time. Oh my God, we’re tearing up again. Oh, he’s so good. Holy. Plus, he wears a suit well.
He sings Viva La Vida by Coldplay. Is he better than Chris Martin? Absolutely. Will he last long on this show? Probably not because people are oddly fond of half-shaved head girl. Do we like him better? Yes. On the plus side, if he doesn’t make it, he will probably have a place in Il Divo, right next to the guy with the eyebrow.
There were a lot of really good performances tonight, but we think that the best one was Jesse’s. Holy trout bicycle shorts. And no, I don’t know what the means.
And now the results…
Place your final bets, folks, because here come the instant eliminations. Christina’s team is up first. Drum roll…she sends home…we’ll never know because she keeps rambling. No wait, there might be a point coming. Nope, still rambling. Stop talking about yourself, woman! No one cares. Is it happening now? Now? Yes, possibly. No, still talking. SHUT UP. And then it finally happens. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, SHE SENT HOME JESSE? NO WAY! THAT’S NOT TRUE. There aren’t any words. She’s a moron. Well, now we have no reason to continue watching this. I give up.
And now it’s Blake’s turn. Time is a factor, according to Carson, probably because Christina has rambled on for ages and then sent home the wrong person. But Blake is much better than she is, so he gets right to it and sends home Jordis. Swiftly and cruelly. We’re okay with it, though.
P.S. We will not be watching this anymore, now that Jesse is gone. As much as we love Jermaine.