We start off this week’s episode with a nice conversation between Emily and her mother, Estelle from Friends. Seriously, she should quit smoking. Back at the house, meanwhile, Chris Harrison congratulates the men because there are only sixteen left. Only? That’s a lot of people! In any case, Chris, a.k.a. Spaggy-Eye, gets the first one-on-one date. It is, of course, a challenge taken from Fear Factor. “Climbing a building is a lot like love”. No. It isn’t. God, I hate him already.
In an interesting turn of events, it appears to be more horrifying for the Bachelorette than Chris. But it’s okay, because there is no one she would rather be with as they climb up a wall in the beginnings of a thunderstorm. Really? Because I would much rather be with someone who would say, “No, Hilary Axle Hatchet, let’s not climb up the side of this building. Let’s go get dinner instead”. Also, if you need to say the words “I’m a man” at any point to your date, it’s not going well. But, in the end, he gets a rose. Then they go see some random country band that I couldn’t care less about. Enh, whatever.
The next day, Emily meets hordes of men for a group date at a park. And then they meet her best friends, who are going to grill the guys on whether or not they are worthy of Emily. This is going to be awesome! And the dude with the egg is back… Wolf, a.k.a. John, has a bit of a hard time with two of Emily’s friends. Perhaps they questioned why his nickname is Wolf. Emily’s friend Wendy then said that, and I quote, “Sean is like a genetic gift to this earth”. They make him take his shirt off and do push-ups. Wonderful.
After the Spanish Inquisition has ended, hordes of children show up out of God knows where and the men are then forced to play with them. Hipster Jef is surprisingly great with kids and Ryan tells Emily that he would still love her if she was fat, but he just wouldn’t love on her as much. Umm…bad move.
Later that night, Doug shares the most heart-wrenching story of his life. Holy mother of God. He’s lovely. So very, very lovely. Tony, on the other hand, is having a rough time being away from his son. He also, on an unrelated note, looks like Liza Minelli from the nose up. “Life is a cabaret!” Or, rather, life is a bucket of tears in Tony’s case. Not as much fun, really. In the end, both he and Emily mutually (I think) decide that he should go home and be with his son. Okay, cool. I’m over it. Let’s move on. And move on we do. Sean gets the rose, which is nice because he’s nice and they can be nice together. Nice.
The next day, it’s time for Arie’s one-on-one date. They go to Dollywood. Apparently it’s a Dolly Parton theme park. Sounds wonderful. Apparently Emily’s never been on a real roller coaster. How old is she? How is that even possible? Then they try to write a love song. I’m glad that they don’t finish, because it was shaping up to be flat-out awful. Dolly Parton shows up and it’s a blessing in disguise. Well, no, it’s actually a blessing in a rhinestoned suede vest. Then Emily and Dolly have a heart-to-heart. This feels a bit more like a one-on-one date between Dolly and Emily than Emily and Arie. How romantic.
Later, Emily and Arie have a shockingly honest conversation about what happens after The Bachelorette is over. It’s astounding, really. He actually seems prepared for the real world. Interesting. Then she totally messes with him and pretends like she’s not going to give him the rose. Cruel. But he really is good for her. Even her commitment issues will work well with his lifestyle/occupation. And he doesn’t make cheesy metaphors, so he’s already top in our books. They share their first kiss on a carousel with Dolly Parton singing in the background. He doesn’t need to be cheesy because the writers are being cheesy for him.
The cocktail party starts off on a high note when Kalon tells Emily to stop interrupting him. Basically, he’s a condescending git. And next up is the egg guy. I hate him and his stupid gimmick. I must admit, it was really satisfying to watch that stupid egg splatter all over the driveway. Thank God. And then she has a conversation with the random tanned ginger fellow. I guess he’s from Brazil. He says multiple times that he does not have experience with children and that her having a daughter is a compromise. And it’s not even a language barrier because she flat-out asks about that. And then she immediately sends him home.
But it’s all okay because Arie comforts her by making out with her. Sean is also charming and comforting. He reassures Emily by telling her that he would accept Ricki as his own child without a shadow of a doubt. And he asked to kiss her.
And then we’re off to the rose ceremony. Michael the rehab councilor does not get a lot of screen time. There are people in this crowd that I don’t recognize. Mullet gets a rose, which is surprising to all of us. And he winked at her. Really? Nate (who I have never seen before in the history of the world) gets the final rose, which means that Stevie a.k.a. Chris Kirkpatrick goes home. Hah! Fantastic.
Bonus footage: Tanned ginger guy talks to Emily’s friends about cheating on his third cousin. BAHAHAHAHA!