Who knew marionettes are so romantic?: A post brought to you by The Bachelorette

This week, Emily is in Prague, the most romantic city in Europe with her remaining six hopefuls. This week there are four dates, three one-one-ones and then a group. You know what that means! More screen time for John Wolf!

First date: One-on-one with Arie

Emily steps out in the least congruous outfit I’ve yet to witness on this show, featuring a beige button down, silver lacy shorts and riding boots. As separates, awesome. Together, not altogether great… at all. Also, we learn that Arie’s face in general is like a Monet. A bit odd and unappealing quite up close, but nice from far enough away.

Then we pan to Chris Harrison, delivering, what we can only describe as a PSA, stating that Arie had a very brief relationship with producer Cassie Something-or-other, which I guess the tabloids had covered. Then we pan to Emily, giving a candid and poorly articulated interview with Cassie about how silly she feels that Arie hasn’t told him herself and it’s quite awkward. Fair enough. Until we pan to him, and she gives him the 3rd degree and asks “Are you open with me, do you think you’re trustworthy?” rather than just coming out with it, and flat out asking him about Cassie. Honesty people, honesty makes everything better. Now Emily is afraid that Arie is hiding things from him – perhaps a horrid history in human trafficking or something. If he can hide a quite brief relationship what else can’t he hide???

Then we pan back to our best pal Chris Harrison, who then let’s us know that Arie, Cassie and Emily sat down, off camera and hashed it all out. Thus, the most dramatic part of the whole sequence was not even on camera. GREAT. Chris let’s us know that Arie thought it was so long ago and so insignificant that it didn’t matter, and Emily decided that it didn’t affect her feelings for him. We pan back to Emily and Arie, with his razor burn, making out. Then they sit by the river, and Arie, just flat out says, “I love you.” Without being awkward, without a horrible preamble, and just flat out said it. We all gasped collectively in terror (man that’s quick!) but Emily loved it so I guess that’s what counts.

Second date: One-on-one with Emily

John Wolf steps in baby blue pants, to go with his red pants of course. They don’t go well with his grey zip-up but I guess we can forgive this for now. They lock a bike lock on a gate to symbolize their eternal love, but have difficulty getting the lock closed, which Emily takes a sign of their relationship. Bad news for Pale-Pants John Wolf.

They have dinner in a dungeon, and considering the last dinner they had was in a cave, we wonder what Emily is trying to do here. John Wolf opens up to Emily, which is exactly what she wants, and was quite a smart move! As he said, he’d rather open up and be vulnerable, than be sent home and regret it. Quite a smart philosophy really. In all honesty, I don’t know if I can see them really making it, but and I’m not sure if it’s a bad combo of him never getting a proper one-on-one until too late in the game, or if he’s just not the right guy. Only time, and Emily’s dwindling supply of roses will tell.

John Wolf comes home and lets the guys know that he had a really great date. Chris is visibly cracking under the pressure, and Sean decides he’s going to run through Prague, calling her name, in order to get a slice of one-on-one with Emily. The boys would be incredibly pissed if they knew he was out there, but we think it’s quite cute, and Emily loves that she got to see him. Way to steal John Wolf’s thunder though. Terrible.

Third date: group date with Sean, Doug and Chris

It’s the third date with Doug-Hulk, Sean the romantic, and Chris the determined pessimist. FUN! Doug, of course, is a ray of sunshine on a gloomy day, and is determined to be the happiest chap there. As such, Emily grabs him first, to make sure they have chemistry, and… they don’t. They sit together, and he’s so closed off, with his arms crossed, turned away from her. If he would just make a move… ever, this wouldn’t be happening! He finally kisses her, in the middle of her speech of her sending him home, and yet she just continues on track and sends him away. We feel so, incredibly, sad for him. He was just such a genuine, honest and sweet guy. In the real world, maybe they could have made it! As Doug says, his “girl radar is completely broken.” Yes, unfortunately we think it is too. The good news is that millions of women have watched Doug be so genuinely cute, we wouldn’t be surprised if he gets stalked at the supermarket from now on.

Now the date has become a two-on-one with always gloomy Chris and the ever beautiful Sean. YAY. Emily chats with Sean, and his beautiful cheeky smile, and then they just make out quite a bit. Delish. Then Emily chats with Chris, and he begins his date by chastising Emily for not giving him a one-on-one. Yes, that’s wise. He tones down the crazy a bit though, and they make out for a bit too. In the end, Emily gives the rose to Sean, after remarking that it’s “so awkward” and hopes that Chris doesn’t take it personally. He assures Emily that he won’t, and then remarks to the camera that it’s [bleeping] crazy, and that if he doesn’t get a home town date, everybody around him better watch out. Ah yes, anger is certainly the solution in this situation. NOT.

Fourth date: One-one-one with Jef

Jef and Emily wander around Prague and end up in a store full of creepy marionettes, though we’re not sure why (that is surely how you die) and they buy they’re own puppets. Jef runs back in and gets a tiny creepy puppet for Ricki, resulting Emily stating that she really can see a future with Jef. Adorbz! As it turns out, Jef is actually an extremely good puppet master and puts on a hilarious and endearing puppet play for Emily. If it were any other guy we would have mocked him mercilessly but with Jef, we love it. He tells Emily that he is one million per cent in love with her and that he doesn’t know what he would do without her. OH MY GOSH I LOVE HIM. He’s just so cute! We think that Jef should just have his own show where he puts on puppet plays. I’d watch it. I don’t understand Emily and Jef together but I embrace it. I just love it; somehow it works.

The rose ceremony

Emily has her mind made up and decides not to do a cocktail party, so Chris (naturally) cries, and stresses out. That would be stressful, we hand it to him. Wolf talks a big game, and is excessively confident that he’s not going home. This is going to end really badly for one gentleman.

Chris interrupts the rose ceremony to talk to Emily, and apologizes for acting so immaturely with Emily, and for taking the week for granted. He lets her know that he’s not ready for this to end between them, and now we feel quite badly for Wolf as his panic has probably kicked into high gear! It’ll be really awkward if Emily sends Chris home now.

She gives him the rose, and now we’re not sure if it’s because of that chat or if she had planned to all along. Ah poor John Wolf, what a slap in the face. He takes it graciously, if not a bit petulantly.

Next week, home towns!

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