It’s hometowns my friends! Let’s get it started.
First date: Chrismily in Chicago.
You know what, Chris and Emily don’t jive into a cute name very well. It’s a sign. Emily wears extremely red pants channeling John Wolf. Another sign.
Chris and Emily’s alone portion of the date was so extremely boring that there’s honestly nothing to even report. Then they head home for dinner. Emily and Chris’s dad (aka Chris in 30 years) have another very boring one-on-one. Honestly, this whole date is so incredibly boring. I suppose that really, that’s a good thing because it’s real, but honestly. The most exciting part of this whole segment are Chris’s black and white striped stocks. What crap tv.
Finally, Emily sits down with Chris’s sister and her incredibly blond eyebrows. She begs Emily to end it sooner rather than later and not to drag it out in case Chris isn’t the one. Which, yes is great news, because even eyebrows can see that Chris is, well, not the one. Chris ends the date by telling Emily that he loves her, and they make out on the driveway for a bit before, heading back inside for some polka dancing. Naturally, because did Chris mention, he’s polish? (Only eight hundred times.)
Second date: Jemily in Utah
Jef and Emily are chillin on Jef’s ranch. UM yes please! Jef and Emily go RV-ing (is that an RV? Dune buggy? Space ship?) to a shooting range, and Jef is an incredibly good shot. What kind of a hipster is Jef? On a slightly alarming note, Emily is really impressed by Jef’s shooting ability. Only in America. Then they progress to shooting hand guns, and Emily states that she’s most nervous about meeting his family. Meanwhile, gun violence is no big. Lord.
Then, Emily meets Jef’s brothers and sisters (of which there are too numerous to even list off), all of which look like they could make up a folk band. Honestly the slightly bigger brother totally looks like he plays either stand-up bass or banjo. Am I right? Emily chats with Jef’s older brother Steve, who says that he thinks Emily is the perfect person to complement Jef. Then Emily steps into the interrogation room with his three sisters (some of whom might be in-law, but honestly I can’t keep track) and green shirt sticks it to Emily: “Do you feel like you’re falling in love with Jef?” to which Emily stutters before finally replying, yes. The sisters love her, and even tear up because they’re so happy for Jef – big win for Jemily! We close the date by Jef reading a letter to Emily that made our good friend Cristina cry a little. Oh so much love.
Third date: Arily in Scottsdale, Arizona
The date starts off with Arie taking Emily for a spin in his indie car. Which, honestly, wasn’t that interesting because all you could see were their little helmets in the car going around in circles.
Emily heads over to meet the fam and Arie and his dad have identical crooked noses. Arie and his mum have a conversation in dutch right in front of Emily which is incredibly rude, if I say so myself. Then Arie’s mum grills Emily, asking her what happened with her and Brad. Did not really see that one coming! Finally, though, I feel like Emily gives the answer that America has been looking for, stating that they were not fundamentally right for each other. Then, with great skill and ease, Emily navigates a somewhat terrifying conversation into a happier topic and tone, and manages to bond with Arie’s mum. Wow, she should be working for the UN or in hostage negotiation situations. That is skill.
In the end, both of Arie’s parents approve of Emily and hope that she becomes part of the family. Date = success!
Fourth date: Seamily in Dallas, Texas
We start off with a glorious shot of Sean’s bum. I think this man might actually have been sculpted from marble by Michelangelo.
Sean drops a big bomb – he still lives at home. WHAT. And then it turns out, it’s just a huge prank that he and his family have played on her. We don’t know what’s more sad: Sean living at home, or Sean pretending he lives at home as a joke. Or perhaps the fact that Kensington, Sean’s little niece, has a playhouse in the backyard complete with AC. Lord!
Emily and Sean’s dad sit down for a one-on-one and they have matching accents, and it’s official, Jay (that’s his name) might be the most adorable individual in Bachelor history. Can Jay win?
In the end, Emily and Sean have a wonderful day with a wonderful family in a wonderful house. Lovely.
After the prerequisite lengthy recap with Chris Harrison (seriously, we just watched it!) Emily breaks down a bit at the thought of having to send home a great guy after having just met his family. She doesn’t want her decision to reflect negatively upon his family, but she’s confident with how she feels; she bases her decisions based on past experiences and relationship foundations.
In the end, Emily sends Chris home. We can’t say that we didn’t see that coming, but it’s still a bit sad for good old spagz. Chris rather demands an explanation from Emily, which is fair, if not a bit intense. Emily states that she just had to follow her heart. Can’t argue with that explanation!