Basically Just a Giant Montage: A Post Brought to You by The Bachelorette

So it’s the Men Tell All. This should be both awkward and boring. Buckle your seatbelts, folks. It’s going to be awful.

So we start with a recap, which is kind of useless, of course  because we watched the whole season. On the plus side, we get to see Ryan make a fool of himself for a second time. And a third. And a fourth. We also get to see Doug awkwardly kiss Emily during their break-up. Hilarious. And a little sad, if we’re being honest, because he’s nice, if not oddly aggressive.

On the plus side, we get to see unseen footage. Emily apparently spilled white wine on her most favourite dress of life ever. We also get to see Emily and Egg Guy sing to his egg. So weird. We’re then treated to Travis’s terrible accents. On another note, Arie’s brother (and the other one who looks exactly like him) spied on her making out with Arie. They make it seem like a big deal, but really, who hasn’t seen them make out at this point? That’s all they do.

In other news, Chris is a terrible dancer, but Chris Harrison is adorable. But who didn’t know that?

Bachelor Pad preview! Awww yeah! I love that they’re trying to make this seem really serious when we all know that nothing can be serious when Kissing Instructions Girl is involved.

And…half an hour in, we finally see the guys. Gracious. Yeah, more montages. I was just thinking, “you know what this episode meas? More montages”. On the plus side, we get to see Chris randomly flip out over being called twenty-five, even though he is, in fact, twenty-five. How come we never saw that clip of Michael/Long Hair talk? I really like how the production team edited this. I’m glad that Ryan got to see all the guys hugging each other in pure joy as his suitcases got taken away.

We really want this episode to end up Hunger Games style. I feel like that would be far more interesting than listening to Chris talk about how is twenty-five for what will undoubtedly feel like the next eight years of my life. I wanted to say more about this, but I was distracted by John-Wolf’s pastel pants.

On a happier note, Charlie! I missed him. You know who I did not miss? Chris Kirkpatrick impersonator, Stevie.

And now it’s time for Kalon to take the hot seat. Good. If anyone deserves to have their bums slightly roasted, it’s Kalon. First we watch a montage of Kalon being stupid and the other guys talking smack about him behind his back. That’s good television, folks. But most of all, we get to see Emily tell him to “Get the f*ck out”, which is always entertaining. Kalon then attempts to dig himself out of the giant hole he has created for himself. Not unsurprisingly, it does not work. Sean continues to show us that he is adorable and precious. We hope that he’s the next Bachelor (but only if she picks Jef, because we’d really want him to be the next Bachelor).

Next it’s Ryan’s turn to take the hot seat. We are treated to a montage of his many, many bump-its and his stupid and lengthy letters. I love how Michael’s only lasting impression on us is as Ryan’s somewhat unwilling confidante. On the plus side, Ryan’s hair looks much better currently. Well done, sir. He’s also left the neon t-shirt at home in favour of an excellent suit. Windowpane patterns make all the difference. As our friend Emily says, “the other guys just took him too seriously”. I find his brazen frankness oddly appealing. It amuses me. Ryan then talks about his journal, which once again makes me wonder whether this season of The Bachelorette has teamed up with literacy awareness.

Oh God, now it’s Chris’s turn. And you know what? I’m not interested at all. Chris Harrison then takes the opportunity to advertise Bachelor Pad, which, frankly, is the most interesting part of the interview.

Chris Harrison then tortures Sean with all the nice things Emily said about him, such as calling him “marriage material”. Apparently just not marriage material for her. They continue to torture him by showing a montage of their relationship, most notably, the many, many times that he ran after her. Hey, Bachelor camera team, why were we watching that random audience member’s reaction to Sean being dumped? What’s she got to do with anything? Meanwhile, Sean continues to be heart-wrenching.

Emily then makes an appearance, looking fabulous, just to taunt them. Sean continues to be gracious and wonderful and Chris continues to look like he just ate a lemon while perfecting his Gollum impression. Emily then says “who wouldn’t want Sean?” Well, you clearly. And then Chris basically steals the words from Sean’s mouth and pretends to be gracious as well.

Doug and Emily are both self-deprecating and cute. AND SHE FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGES THAT DOUG TOLD HER ABOUT KALON BEING A TOOL! THANK YOU! That is all I ever wanted from this season. I could probably stop watching right now. I won’t, but I could.

In the bloopers we learn that Jef is definitely adorable, there was a lot of male genitalia that we did not see, Emily has the mouth of a sailor, some nondescript man does a great impression of Chris Harrison, people fell and tripped a lot, and Chris Harrison could be the Statler to anybody’s Waldorf.

In the end, I can’t help but think that none of this matters. They’ve all still been rejected and Chris still has a spaggy eye.

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