I’m off to the beach today and in honour of that, I thought I would make up a list of things not to do while visiting beaches.
1. Do not smoke within the vicinity of obvious non-smokers. You will be able to tell if they are non-smokers by their rather apparent disdain for you. Possibly, they will also cough loudly as if trying to make a point. That point is “stop giving me emphysema”.
2. Don’t leave your garbage on the beach. Some of you are now thinking, “oh that’s nice, she’s environmentally conscious”. Well, I guess I sort of am, but it’s really just that you’ll attract seagulls, and I think we all know how I feel about seagulls. Seagulls are probably one of the most irritating species of birds, excluding pigeons and whatever the heck those damn birds are that wake me up at five o’clock in the morning.
3. Try not to be obscenely loud. I know you’re having fun and you like to laugh extra loudly when your friends make jokes because it makes them feel good about themselves. That’s nice. But I’m not friends with your friends and thus don’t really care if they feel extra confident or not. Regular confidence is fine, so keep it down.
4. Don’t play your music loudly. I get it, Katy Perry is your spirit animal. But that doesn’t mean that the rest of us want to listen to “California Gurls” on a loop. You live in Ontario and that’s Lake Huron. Turn it down.
5. Don’t let your children just meander about whenever/wherever they want. It was only kind of cute the first time your toddler accidentally kicked sand into my bag of Goldfish crackers. Now it’s just irritating.
If you abide by these helpful beach tips, you’re sure to have a great time, but most of all, your fellow beach-goers won’t begrudge you.
~ Hilary Lyon Axle Hatchet
P.S. Please enjoy this beachy, summer tune.