Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

I need a little advice here. I used to have a rather spindly, ill-looking plant in my office, until it dramatically died by way of completely collapsing on itself so that when my office mate and I came in the next morning it was all broken and crumpled. I might have suspected sabotage by someone who was jealous that we got an office plant, because for some reason, at my work plants are at a premium and you have to request them and legitimately you go on a waiting list until a plant becomes available for you. Such nonsense. So anyways, at first I entertained the thought that perhaps somebody desperate for a plant had destroyed ours, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that somebody would have to be tragically mentally unwell to do that, and our plant had always been a bit mopey, morose, and you know, generally like it had lost the will to live. My office mate taped a post it to our broken plant that said “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” and a night janitor took it away.

When I tell people about how my plant tragically took its own life, they look at me and reply with “Well, obviously it died, look at your office. There’s no natural light! How could you possibly expect a living thing to survive in here??” which is true, there is no natural light at all. I work in a very small room, cut into a hallway, that I affectionately call “The Hole in the Wall” because it makes it sound like a really cool pub. Even though it’s not. Anyways, more than one person has fed me the “no living thing could possibly survive in here!” line and I have to point out that I survive in there every day, for eight hours. That plant really needed to just get over itself. What a drama queen.

Anyways, all of that was just an extremely roundabout introduction. I need advice on what sort of plant I could get to put in The Hole in the Wall that won’t need (any) natural sunlight, and that won’t be excessively moody like the last one. My hilarious friend Becky suggested I get a bamboo plant and take it outside with me on my lunch hour, a bit like walking a dog, but more like “sunning your plant” which is actually a very practical solution but also a very bad one because I will soon be known as that girl who travels with her plant, and people will suspect I’m in the early stages of becoming a serial killer. Really, all I want is a bit of a plant companion, an upbeat one that requires no sunlight, one that will purify the air a bit for me, and add a little style to The Hole in the Wall. Is that too much to ask?

~ Julia

p.s. The first person who suggests I get a cactus because “we all know” just how low maintenance they are will get a boot to the face. Because cacti are not low maintenance, and I’m still mourning the death of Phillipa, my cactus from college who went terrifically moldy. HOW insensitive of you all.

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One thought on “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

  1. Indoor office plants are like legends to me… There is no way I could keep one… And I highly respect anyone who does! Sending green thoughts your way.

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