“LITERALLY like an animal attack on the eyeballs”: A post brought to you by The Bachelor

And so it begins! We kick off the season with a video montage of Sean looking a bit on the tangerine side, FaceTiming on his iPad, wearing converse sneakers, frolicking with children, and working out. Giving all the ladies what they want. He actually said that he wants to fill a house with “love and laughter;” he’s not holding anything back this season. Women of America hold on to your heartstrings!

In a bit of a twist, Arie comes over to give Sean advice. We’re not sure why, they both lost, and now Arie is dating Courtney from Francine’s season so we all know who the true loser is in this situation. Arie says quite a few comedic gems, some intentional, some not as much, like the ever douchey: “Let’s cheers this up,” and during break-up role play, “that’s not what you said in the Fantasy Suite!”

And finally, bring on the women!

Some highlights: (because honestly, there are two many crazies to address them ALL here.)

– Tierra squeals like a preteen at a One Direction concert when she learns the Bachelor is Sean, because he’s “so family oriented!” Yeah, sure.

– They’re really going for diversity this season: there’s a girl with only one arm, women of colour, a woman who plans on taking 50 Shades of Grey far too literally, AshLee who likely has OCD (and is a “professional organizer”) and quite a few other crazies. Well done #BachelorNation.

– Daniella teaches Sean a secret handshake. Then invites him up to her tree house to hang out and eat oreos!

– Kelly sings Sean a country song, and wears about eight pounds of bronzer. PASS.

– Robyn attempts a series of walkovers and bails. We still like her because she has lovely hair and a cute dress, but that was likely the saddest entrance in Bachelor history.

– Tierra, with her evil Disney character eyebrows, shows Sean her heart tattoo. It’s on her ring finger, and the heart is “open” and she hopes Sean will be the one to complete it. I spent a full minute fighting back a gag, especially when Sean gives her a first impression rose. Every single girl there now completely hates Tierra. As Catherine said, Tierra walked in with the rose and it was “LITERALLY like an animal attack on the eyeballs.” What does that even mean?

– Desiree (or Des) is our early fave. She’s as sweet as pie, she has rockin’ bangs, and she’s not dressed like she’s in the Miss America Pagent. Huge props.

– In the single most terrifying and awkward Bachelor entrance, ever (complete with a full on kiss), Lindsay walks in a wedding gown and veil. She calls herself a prankster. I call her creepy as hell. She says “I’ve got balls” Sean says “I hope not!” We suspect Lindsay is drunk.

– Kacie, from Ben’s season, comes back, wearing a very sexy cocktail dress, because she can’t miss out on the opportunity with Sean. The other girls hate her, naturally, and Des even goes so far as to say “she had a chance with Ben, what makes her think it will work out with Sean?” UM, perhaps the fact that he’s a completely different person?

– Sean, being the rebel rule-breaker that he is, gives Des the second first impression rose. Or rather I guess the Second Impression Rose. Kacie calls it a game changer. The women become as confused as they likely were in rudimentary high school math. The whole house is descending into anarchy – as our friend Carolyn said: “it’s getting all Lord of the Flies up in here!”

– In yet another twist, Sean has ditched the idea of the first impression rose, and is giving out roses to any girl he wants to see hang around, just as he chats with them. It might be even more depressing than when they all have to line up and wait their turn.

– Ashley P., addicted to 50 Shades of Grey, drunk as a skunk, trying to foray into bondage, and actually, actually, said “do we need me to start dancing?” I sincerely hope that Sean keeps her around because she is hilarious.

– Not since Ali’s season has there been this much drunken ridiculousness.

– There are tears, as expected, and this time it’s Taryn, feeling sad that Sean hasn’t noticed her, and says that she won’t fight over a guy. Um, you’re on the wrong show.

– Our main man Chris Harrison calls Sean the most sincere Bachelor yet. Bit of a slap in the face to the other Bachelors. And did he not meet Jason Mesnick? Those balcony cries were nothing if not sincere. And dramatic. But also sincere.

The girl who looks like Lady Gaga, the girl who traveled over 2,000 miles, the girl who did Bachelor Pad, Kelly the country singer, Ashley (who looks exactly like a Barbie doll), and Fifty Shades all get booted off. I’m going to miss all those drunk faces, it’s true, but I’m excited for the weeks to come, and all the hilarious drama!

All in all, it’s been a great first episode, and we’re sadly and amazingly so addicted already. Nicole and I have decided that we’re going to join this show, travel the world, pretend that, as Nicole put it, “my wildest dreams are answered!” and wear sparkly dresses.

It’s going to be one wild season! Follow us on Twitter @SarcasmSoapbox for even more Bachelor hilarity.

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