“Tonight is LITERALLY a tornado. Of negativity.” A post brought to you by The Bachelor

Week Two: The dating, and drama, begins.

Date 1: a One-on-one with Sarah

We start off the first date also with the first helicopter ride. OF course, because in #BachelorNation, helicopter is pretty much the only way to travel. While the women left on the ground get a bit squealy and jealous. Sarah stays very calm and composed. Calling it early: she’s the most chill girl in the house.

On a totally stereotypical romantic date, Sean flies Sarah up to the top of a building so that they can free-fall thee-hundred feet to a champagne toast at the bottom. All I have to say is that better be some damn good champagne. Sarah’s apprehensive, as a normal person would be, but she’s maintains her calm demeanor, saying “Sure, sign me up.” Sean is practically comatose he’s so calm. If I ever get trapped in an elevator, I would want him there with me. (For, perhaps, multiple reasons.)

Later, Sean and Sarah meet up for drinks, as Sarah shows of her bod in a fitted strapless dress. They open up to each other, etc., etc., etc. The date is going so well that it’s actually rather boring. At the end, Sean gives Sarah a rose, and the first kiss of the season. Awwww. (Yet, still a bit boring.)

Date 2: Group date with pretty much everyone

Our friend, who has difficulty with the definition of “literal” sees Sean standing at the mansion and says that “literally it’s like Prince Charming is there.” LITERALLY? Literally? Sean explains that today they’re going to do a photo shoot for book covers for Harlequin. The photographers say that they’ll be judging who has the best chemistry with him. Christy goes a bit crazy, being a model. Katie, the yoga instructor with amazing curls, says: “Home girl is a little excited about doing a photo shoot.” HA! Katie is dressed as a vampire and says “It looks like I’m going to an 80s rock concert and need some dental work.”

Lesley dresses up as a cowgirl, and the photographer asks her to give Sean a kiss on the lips. Tierra decides to HATE her for simply following instructions. Christy, the model, walks the talk and takes charge. Her photos look great, and so she gets the three book cover deal. All in all the photo shoot just becomes outrageously catty.

After the shoot the group goes and sits poolside with drinks. Sean asks Lesley the “real” reason why she’s there. Carolyn, our friend, pipes up “I’m a Russian spy” as Lesley says “for love.” They have a super awkward conversation and both want to kiss the other but neither does. It’s all a bit frustrating. She finally works up the nerve and just kisses him. Sean and Kacie have some one-on-one time, both saying that they were surprised that the other was there. That’s not how this show works. Sean states that Kacie is one of his good girlfriends, and has put her, essentially, in the friend category, and has to shift his mindset. Kacie has a dear in the headlights look of panic (who can blame her?) but Sean states that that’s something he wants to explore. Sigh of relief for Kacie. Then Sean has a string of lovely conversation with lovely women – there are too many too actually remember their names of. And then there’s Disney villain eyebrows, aka Tierra, who basically just says that it’s hard being in the house with all the other girls. Blah blah blah. Katie, aka the yoga instructor with the giant poodle hair, says that she’s not adjusting well, and feels like this is not the right setting for her, and wants to go home. Sean just says “Um, ok then.” He doesn’t put up much a fight at all.

In the end Kacie gets the rose, to show that she’s no longer in the friend zone, and Sean recognizes how hard it is for her to go through the show twice. Pan to Tierra: “I wanted to punch her.”

Date 3: One-on-one date with Des.

Sean invites Chris Harrison on his date with him, which I’m ALL for, Chris being our favourite part of the show for sure. Chris is going to help Sean prank Desiree. They set up a fake art exhibit, full of junk that looks like it could be in the Tate Modern, and one of the pieces is going to break, causing Des to think that it’s her fault. This girl is going to be PISSED. Sean turns this into a teaching moment, saying that he wants to see how Des acts under pressure in uncomfortable situations. I’m of the opinion that this is simply mean.

Desiree says that she absolutely loves it, and loves the art on the walls. I can’t help but feel like this girl just doesn’t really know art. Meanwhile, Sean and Chris are watching Des on hidden cameras. Sean keeps repeating that he’s a bad person, and feels bad for doing this to someone so sweet. Chris Harrison is simpy loving his life. In the end, where I probably would have been sobbing, Des is a really good sport. This woman has the patience of a saint.

Sean takes Des home to his place for dinner. For a change, Des gets Sean to talk about himself, rather than saying horrifying awkward things like “So when I was watching on Emily’s season…” It’s the least awkward date yet, and Sean states that it doesn’t feel like a first date at all, and I’d have to agree, it doesn’t really look like a first date. I guess that’s what happens when you scare the bejeesus out of someone the first time you hang out. Sean is very, very obviously smitten. It’s adorkable.

The Rose Ceremony

Sean has a great conversation with Lindsay, and she really surprises him. Mostly because she was so drunk the first night that he didn’t have the change to know her. Sean starts to freak out because girls that he initially wrote off, like the immeasurably drunk Lindsay, turn out to surprise him. The girls call Amanda a dark cloud, which could not be more accurate. She’s glaring, and will not talk to anybody. When asked a direct question, she just looks away. I’m almost 100% that she’s a fembot and will only power up when Sean’s in the room.

Sean reacts really well to Robyn’s question about ethnicity. Sean says that he doesn’t have a type, he wants someone who’s sweet, intelligent, and fun. Somehow he takes this question that could potentially become a big race issue, and does really well with it. Wow. Also calling it: Robyn is the best dressed this show, without a doubt.

Sean and Amanda sit down and have a chat. All of a sudden she’s big toothy grins and bubbly smiles. Fembot. Only explanation.

In the end…

Brooke, wearing an incredible peplum dress, is sent home. She’s extremely gracious, saying that “Sean just isn’t the guy for me.” Diana is sent home too, Sean explaining that he didn’t feel right taking her away from her girls if he didn’t see something long term with her.

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