“I can’t be tortured like this!”: A post brought to you by The Bachelor

The show gets ultra steamy this week with Sean being shot in the opening scene in his boxer briefs. There were some questionable upwards camera angles.

First one-on-one: Selma.

Sean flies Selma out to the desert, so that he can kill her and abandon the body apparently. Nothing says romance like isolation in dry heat. They actually go to Joshua Tree National park to look at the extremely rare trees, hike, and rock climb. Carolyn is REALLY excited for this date, unfortunately Selma is not.

After rock climbing they have dinner, still in the park, at a mini trailer park complete with a pool. Sean is really trying to give Selma the least glamorous date to see how she deals with it. She does quite well, but I have to say that if any date of mine brings me back to his trailer park I would seriously have to reconsider things.

Sean and Selma have a genuine conversation about her culture, where Sean remarks “I just want to kiss her, her eyes are asking me to kiss her” which is not a thing, don’t say that, and Selma talks to Sean in whispers and baby voice, which are a bit horror voice-like. And terrifying. Just terrifying.

Group date: Roller Derby. 

It was not a good idea to take a whole bunch of competitive girls and have them do derby. Unless a lesbian subplot emerges, then that would be ok. We’re pretty sure it’s a bit cruel to have put Sarah on this date, and test her like this – make her feel like she should be able to do this, even if it’s 10 times harder for her than any other girl. AshLee, who’s terribly boring, proves to be a genuine good friend, and gives her a great pep talk. She’s no longer just good for having good hair.

Amanda bails on her face and the paramedics are called. This might be a record amount of injuries for The Bachelor. Usually they just fly around in helicopters and drink a lot of wine. Because Amanda gets driven to the hospital, Sean calls off the match, and they just have a free skate, which is all in all, rather disappointing, but probably for the best.

The cocktails after are possibly more aggressive and more dramatic than the derby, which is a bit silly. Amanda says she’ll “play dirty” and plays up the sympathy card, Tierra is all eyebrow and skulking, making mountains out of complete molehills. She doesn’t trust anybody, she thinks Robyn is personally attacking her, and she demands that she leave to the producers. It’s all a bit sudden and confusing tbh. “Why should I be tortured everyday and live uneasy??” Tierra demands while crying, saying that she just can’t handle the fakeness. Tierra has a complete, and utter meltdown. She tells Sean that she needs to go home, and he tells her that she needs to stay, and asks her if she’s in. When she says “sort of” Sean gives her the rose. Vomit myself to death.

Second One-on-one: Leslie

The producers drop off diamond earring for Leslie’s date with Sean, and he picks her up in a sports car – it’s the antithesis of Selma’s date from the get-go. In fact, their date is essentially Pretty Woman, which  is a weird concept for a first date, unless you’re dating Hugh Hefner. We do see Sean in a bow tie which makes up for the complete unreasonableness of it all.

Sean and Leslie have a bit of a boring date and a bit of a boring conversation. When Sean says that he doesn’t feel a connection we don’t feel super surprised. He probably has more of a connection with his bow tie. In the end she’s send home.

The Rose Ceremony

Tierra sits down with Robyn, and says that she wants to apologize to the girls, because “you attacked me, and that was not fair, so…” which is perhaps the weirdest apology I’ve ever heard, but does seem to miraculously ease some of the tension. She then tells Sean that she doesn’t want him to think that she’s some kind of “drama setter” because she “hates drama, girls just have a hard time accepting me for who I am, I don’t even know why.” She tells him that she doesn’t want his opinion of her to be affected by what other girls say – hence why she’s patched things over with Robyn I suppose.

In the end…

In a complete shock, Ashley (Wednesday Adams), the sulkiest contestant ever, gets sent home. You can see a bit of her bruise on her chin, and she handles being sent home remarkably well for somebody who can be so stony faced.

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