ALL the ladies, and a few goats: a post brought to you by The Bachelor

They’re halfway through, and the travelling begins! Unlike Ben, who clearly took advantage of the Bachelors cash flow, and traveled all over Europe, Sean is taking his beauties to Montana. Exotic. Recession-friendly. Big rocks everywhere.

First one-on-one: Lindsay (who cries a little she’s so excited, as everybody else looks really, quite stony-faced).

They kick-off the date, in the most stereotypical Bachelor fashion, IN A HELICOPTER! Who’s keeping count of all the helicopters? We’ve lost count. They sit for a picnic at Blackfeet Indian Reservation, wearing their plaid, and I admit it, it’s gorgeous. And I’m not just talking about Sean, who’s so blond and so tanned he blends in with the wheat. Afterwards, they cozy up by a fire in what appears to be a hunting lodge. Lindsay says “like” an awful lot and then they kiss on what might be a bear pelt. ALL the stereotypes. They end the evening with a concert by Sarah Darling (who we’re sure is a big deal, I guess).

(Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the date card is read, and it turns out Tierra is going on the two-on-one date with Jackie. I’m fairly sure we all know how this is going to turn out. Jackie remarks that Tierra is as “happy as a bumble bee filled with honey.” I regret to inform you, Jackie, that that’s not how bumblebees work.)

Group date: ALL the ladies, and a few goats.

The date consists of my personal hell: a circuit of outdoorsy activities including bucking hay, sawing logs, canoe races, and milking goats. Again, it’s a race, and the losing team goes back to the ranch/lodge/farm, and the winning team goes on. I’ve never seen girls milk a goat with so much desperation in my life. Des CHUGS the unpasteurized goats milk, and we feel a bit bad for her tummy. And the fact that it came out her noes. Also unfortunate.

After the obstacle course, Sean invites the blue team back, because he doesn’t think it feels right to have them eliminated, when what if his future wife is in that group? The Red team gets pissed, and we do feel bad for Des – she chugged all that milk for nothing. In a shocking twist, Tierra, is also pissed the “losers” get to spend more time with Sean, which is just unnecessary. So she stalks him; the natural solution. Tierra, rather, reams Sean out for forcing her to go on a two-on-one date, and Sean seems nothing if not confused. Back on the date, the man stealing begins, the claws come out, and for such a bunch of pretty girls, things get generally ugly. Daniella cries, because she thinks Sean has forgotten about her, and I know that we have, and they share an extremely soggy kiss. He rewards her with a rose.

Two-on-one date: Tierra and Jackie

Well, this much Tierra was, of course, insufferable. They hop on horses and Tierra pretends that Jackie doesn’t even exist, so Jackie plans to expose Tierra as the lizard-demon woman she is on the inside. The conversation goes remarkably well tbh. (Kacie, taking notes?)

They sit down to dinner and quite a few awkward pauses. Sean takes Tierra away, and she explains her past, and why she’s afraid of losing someone, as if to justify the craziness we suppose. In the end, Tierra gets the rose (as we all knew she would), hence, all the insufferable. Such a shame.

The Rose Ceremony

They head to the lodge, and we have to think that there must be more to Montana than taxidermy and wood paneling, no?

While drinking copiously, as per usual, the girls finally hit the nail on the head: Tierra plays the role of the victim, of the damsel in distress, and they’re all pretty tired of it. Them and me both, last time I checked, standing around in cocktail dresses and sipping wine wasn’t cruel and unusual torture. For some reason Robyn thinks it’ll be a great idea to call Tierra on her ridiculousness and the end result is Tierra saying that if she wants to go get engaged, she can easy go get engaged. There are plenty of other bleeping guys in the world, and she’s “refusing to be threatened.”

She chats with Sean, and says the words “the girls are attacking me” and “I’m not a drama person at all” and “I don’t deserve to go through this at all” OH AND “it’s just frustrating for me because I am such a nice girl and nobody gives me credit for it.” Sean: RUN FOR THE HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLS! It’s Montana, there are so many of them!

In the end…

Robyn gets sent home, and she’s bitter. Well, what can you do? Nothing, but stay tuned, TOMORROW we live Tweet and Blog again! Join us at 9 for this special Bachelor double feature.

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2 thoughts on “ALL the ladies, and a few goats: a post brought to you by The Bachelor

  1. Alison G says:

    Y’know, I don’t even watch The Bachelor, but I seriously enjoy reading your recaps. Basically, it’s like the show, but 10 times more succinct (I hate how reality shows insist on summarising every pointless thing that’s happened so far after every single commercial break). Plus, hilariously wonderful sarcastic commentary. My favourite line this week – “I regret to inform you, Jackie, that that’s not how bumblebees work.” LOL

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