“She LITERALLY had hypothermia, at least that what she told us”: a post brought to you by the Bachelor

In part two of this Bachelor special Sean brings all his girls, and all his doubts, to Alberta and the beautiful Lake Louise! Eat some maple syrup, YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT!

First one-on-one: Catherine.

You know, itty bitty Catherine has really been growing on us. She doesn’t always seem the most overwhelmingly intelligent, but she’s honest, and she’s adorable. Catherine waits out on the glacier for Sean, who drives up in a MASSIVE glacier bus, which, I won’t lie, I thought was a Zamboni. Disappointing really. “Thanks for travelling with Sean’s Giant Snow Bus.” Then he and Catherine frolic like baby goats in love in the snow.

That evening they hop into a horse drawn carriage, and head to a palace made of ice (custom made for this show). There’s a fire, pelts and champagne. I want to tell you now, Americans, that Canada does not look like a Christmas fairy tale all the time, in summer it’s really, really hot. Just so you know, it’s not all chipping away at your ice castle walls to add ice to your drinks. Anyways, while I was having this educational, geographical, rant, Catherine tells Sean about how when she was twelve, her best friend was killed instantly by a falling tree. HOLY GOD. Somehow, they chat it out, and end the night slow dancing in their ice palace.

Group date

They hop in canoes and paddle across Lake Louise, and the drama already has started, because Lesley has hopped in Sean’s canoe. Selma really outdoes herself by first commenting that the water looks like the Caribbean and that she wishes a shark would jump out and eat Lesley. None of those things are possible or true Selma.

Once they reach the shore, they do the Polar Bear Plunge. Their personal lifeguard and EMT tell them that they have to hop in and hop out asap so as not to get hypothermia, and all the girls now think that they’re going to die. On the plus side, the lifeguard is the most redhead person I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Never has there been such a ginger person before. Selma decides not to do the challenge, and the rest of them squeal constantly, and them all gush about how awesome they feel after the plunge. Except Tierra, of course, who didn’t put a robe on when coming out of the water and stops breathing and starts shivering. You wanted the Canadian experience? Well there it is. They bundle her up, and she starts to recover, and warm up, enough to say something along the lines of “I’ll miss my time with him” and pouts. They pan to her, oxygen tubes in her nose, eating a sandwich, as some unfortunate woman has to put on her socks for her. Good grief.

After all that silliness, they head to a typical Canadian hunting lodge, and drink mass quantities of liquor, Canadian-style  with pelts and boots. It’s similar to Montana-style, tbh. Sarah shows Sean photos of her family, which rather than bring them together, freaks him out a bit. Tierra, not having any fun recovering, gate-crashes the party. “Everybody watch your back, we have a Tierr-ist on our hands” (brilliant line Lesley). In the end, Lesley gets the rose, for opening up with Sean. Eyebrow (Tierra) says that she deserves the rose because she puts up with a lot of sh*t. Not as much as we do, having to put up with YOU, Tierra.

After everyone goes back to their suites, Sean steals Sarah away to send her home, and be fair to her, rather than make her wait around for a couple days. He respects her too much to wait to send her home, unlike Daniella, who he probably doesn’t remember, and will have to wait for the rose ceremony. Sarah handles it really, really well, but then has to go back in, collect her bags, face all her friends, and head home. ROUGH. There goes our favourite; I don’t know if I’m more sad for her or us.

Second one-on-one: Des

Sean and Des go on a stroll through Banff National Park. Lord Canada’s pretty. They rappel down a 400-foot cliff to a picnic at the bottom. Really, just a picnic? Those sandwiches better be really damn good. Des whines the whole way down about how steep the cliff-face is, to what I can only assume is actually the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. They eat sandwiches, assure each other that they really like each other, then climb a tree together, kiss in it, and shout HELLO CANADA! Pan to a shot of an elk standing in a stream looking really pissed off. I swear, it even had it’s eyebrow raised.

Afterwards, Sean and Des have drinks in a teepee (because that’s not only stereotypical but also slightly racist) while she tells him that growing up they had no money and she actually lived for a period of time in a tent. Teepee was a bit of an insensitive choice, in the end. Des gets a rose, and then they make out a bit.

The Rose Ceremony

Selma brings her A-game, and by that we mean, holy boobs batman! Selma kisses Sean on National television, a “huge shame” to her family, meanwhile her boobs are taking over her neck. Lindsay, unlike Selma today, tells Sean she’s made a promise to herself not to kiss him, while telling him that she sleeps naked. Lindsay seems really sweet, but I’m pretty sure she’s the easy one. Then AshLee gives Sean a symbolic scarf, to blindfold her and dominate her. Ha, no, it’s a sign that she’s relinquishing control (her OCD symptoms) and allowing herself to be vulnerable and to trust Sean. It actually turns out adorably.

In the end…

Tierra gets the final rose, and both Selma and Daniella have to go home. Poor, poor, pretty Selma. Daniella walks out of the lodge, saying that she’s in complete shock. WHAT? Daniella, we’re shocked that you’re shocked, I’m afraid that LITERALLY everybody saw that coming. We’re sorry. At least Sean knows that “you six are the six for me.” Grab your bikinis, it’s time to become sister-wives.

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