Yesterday, I applied to graduate, which got me thinking about my high school commencement. I obviously didn’t remember the whole thing as it was extremely lengthy, warm, and, to be quite frank, boring. I’m fairly certain that one guy in my graduating year won approximately 75% of the awards. It eventually became the lot of us just watching him shake the principal’s hand as they posed for a photo on repeat. I mean, honestly, how many photos of the exact same moment does one person need?
Anyway, there are only really four parts of commencement worth mentioning. One of them was the award I won, which was for humour in writing. As my brother said, I basically won an award for being sarcastic. If I did it once, I can probably do it again, right? The odds are in my favour! Another was my friend Ed’s valedictorian speech, which he rapped. Excellent. Another was literally being sat on by the loudest person in the world. I’ve known this kid for a long time and he is actually incapable of speaking below a quiet shout.
But the most important aspect of commencement happened when we were having a mass photo taken in the cafeteria. I was lined up in the second last row, being abnormally tall. The guy behind me touched my bum not once, not twice, but three times. The first time was probably an accident. I’m willing to admit that much. The second time was the butt grab equivalent of a doublet-take, and the third was just a blatant feel, I’m sure of it.
~ Hilary Lyon Axle Hatchet
P.S. I had to pay $35.00 to apply for graduation. Julia says it’s for the gown rental and also probably for printing costs and such. And I say, after all the money I’ve given that place over the past four years, can they seriously not just give me the freaking piece of paper for free?