I can’t control my eyebrow, I can’t control what’s on my face 24/7!: A post brought to you by The Bachelor

Sean and his harem fly to St. Croix and stay in a violently pink hotel, where Tierra spends as much time away from the other girls as possible. And when she is forced to spend time with them the eyebrow inches up, up, up.

First one-on-one: AshLee and Sean

Tierra, out of jealousy, remarks that AshLee’s a cougar (being 32) and why hasn’t she already found someone to settle down with since she’s so old? Sean and AshLee swim out to a yacht, and then lie around on a beach. Sean asks AshLee about the drama in the house, and she flat out calls Tierra rude (which we all know to be true from the cougar comment) and a “pouty-pants.” Sean says that he’s grateful for her honesty, and I’m grateful for that hilarious expression.

Sean and AshLee sit down for dinner, and she tells him the final thing about her past: and this thing is a make or break. She tells him that she got married as a high school junior – she was going through a SERIOUS rebellious phase apparently – and of course Sean takes is so well. To be fair AshLee set it up to be something horrible – secret baby? Dog killing phase? I used to be a cannibal? – so the previous marriage, not really a big deal. She then tells him she loves him and they kiss on the sand.

Second one-on-one: Tierra and Sean

Tierra gets her one-on-one and immediately starts to complain about it, saying that since she loves boating she should have been out on the water, not traipsing around town, getting bitten by bugs and sweating. Sean, starts off the date by deciding to get to the bottom of the Tierra question: why doesn’t anybody like you?

I don’t even know what to say about this date so far because Tierra gets under my skin and makes me violently, violently angry. They go shopping, there’s a parade, I want to punch Tierra, blah blah blah. Sean asks Tierra how things are going in the house, and says “if you could do it over again, would you act differently around the other girls, would you be different?” and she replies with “No, these girls aren’t going to be around much longer.” … I think that sort of speaks for itself.

They sit down for dinner and Tierra talks about how she feels like Sean was being distant with her all day, and he lets her know that all the drama in the house has put her behind. Tierra sort of chastises him; if he wasn’t already sweating, he is now! To be perfectly honest, this date is actually super boring. Tierra sort of ends it with a pitch like one would in an interview: “I hope you take it into consideration that I’m falling in love with you.” Right, well we have your application, I’ll call some references, and we’ll get back to you. Sean ends the date by saying that he’s come to the conclusion that “she’s probably not nice to the other girls but she’s nice to me.” Erm, that’s still not … ideal.

Group date: Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay 

Sean starts the date at 4:42 by taking photos of the girls sleeping without makeup. They’re grumpy, sleepy, and still pretty adorable. They watch the sunrise, drink mimosas, and listen to what still sounds like the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. They see a sugar mill, they pet a donkey named Pippin, they have lunch (exotic!), they climb up into a massive tree house in a rain forest, and then watch the sunset. Sean has lovely time with all three girls, and the more tanned he gets the more his eyebrows disappear. Lord he’s blond!

Catherine, in her one-on-one time, talks about her dad and his suicide attempt. Last week it was the friend who died suddenly at camp, this week it’s her family history. I mean, man, if Catherine’s life were a book she would be Harry Potter, she has overcome SO much.

In the end, Lindsay gets the rose. Des and Catherine have to sit there and smile like good sports right beside her as they share a blanket.

One-on-one: Leslie and Sean

Sean and Lindsay walk around in coral outfits in a lovely garden and pick avocados. Lindsay wears a lot of blush and Sean’s eyebrows are blonder than ever. Then they make out a lot. And that’s it.

All dating aside: 

Sean’s sister Shay comes over to give Sean some love advice. She dishes the tough love: “their hearts will get broken and they’ll get over it.” Shay tells Sean that if a girl can’t get along with other girls, then she’s trouble. Sean brings up how Tierra doesn’t get along with any of the other girls, so he decides to introduce her to Shay. Cut to the women in the house…

And an all out, claws out, fight between Tierra and AshLee. Tierra tells AshLee that she has been sabotaging her, because “girls are jealous and men love  me!” When AshLee brings up the fact that she finds Tierra rude, Tierra says that she’s not rude, she just has a sparkle, just like her parents said: “Tierra you have a sparkle, don’t let those girls take your sparkle away!” That’s not a sparkle that’s a horrible personality.

Sean walks into the house to find Tierra crying, ONCE AGAIN. As our friend Carolyn says, THIS WOULD BE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, do you really want that? It will KILL YOUR SOUL. Sean tells Tierra that since he’s crazy about her, since he cares about her, and since he knows how incredibly hard this is for her – how emotionally taxing she has found it – it would be best if she went home now. While I wish Sean would say, I can’t keep you here because you’re crazy, he says I can’t keep you here because I know how hard on you this is. Either way, he made the right choice.

The Rose Ceremony: 

The women haven’t seen Tierra in hours but nobody has told them why, and they’re all developing Tierra conspiracy theories. Sean says that he knows who he’s going to choose, so there won’t be a cocktail party. In the end, Sean sends Leslie home. It’s a bit of a shock, we thought it might be Catherine going home, but to be honest, she’s quickly becoming our new favourite. She misuses the word “literally” all the time, and she’s so laid back and fun, I can’t imagine this show without her.

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