“Can I holla at ya real fast?”: A post brought to you by The Bachelor

It’s hometowns!

First up is AshLee. She sets out a picnic and spends an awful long time comparing Sean to her dad, which is oedipal and perhaps the least romantic thing I’ve ever heard. In true AshLee fashion, it’s really, really, dull, but probably what real life is like.

At dinner, AshLee’s mum Deborah, gets right to the point: “What’s your intention, to break AshLee’s heart?” UM, no. Her dad asks him flat out, “Do you love her?” Sean replies with “I’m crazy about her.” Somehow both her parents end up threatening Sean, while also joking about it. At the end, good ol’ Bruce, tells Sean that they would welcome Sean in their family. At the end of dinner, Bruce tells the story of his first meeting with Ashley. This might have been the most adorable hometown date ever.

Next, Sean meets Catherine’s family. The date starts with rowdy fish mongers throwing massive fish at Sean. Then they dance with a banjo busker, and the whole date looks pretty much like a montage from a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie. Dawwwwwwwwww.

Sean heads over to Catherine’s house and meets three generations of women who all look exactly alike. And damn, those are some babin women. Then Sean sits down with Catherine’s fast-talking sisters, who actually rambled incoherently, and are really hard on Catherine strangely. They essentially tell Sean that she’s really messy, so beware. Sean then talks to Catherine’s mum and asks for her blessing and he gets the impression that she’s skeptical, and never really gets that blessing. All in all, things could probably have gone better.

Then, Sean meets up with Lindsay, and meets her two star general father. The first part of Lindsay’s date is possibly more boring than AshLee’s just with more baby voice and what is definitely night-time eye shadow.

Lindsay’s and her mum have identical hair. She’s the first parent that’s truly nice to Sean we believe, saying that he’s a wonderful person, and that she just wants her daughter to be happy. Sean then goes to Lindsay’s dad, and he is noticeably cowering. They have a genuine conversation, it goes really well, and ultimately her dad gives Sean his blessing. All in all, Lindsay’s parents, probably the most normal.

Sean and Des meet up in neon running gear, and they kiss awkwardly. End of date.

For the evening portion, a guy shows up at Des’s apartment and declares his love for her. The camera pans to Sean’s fist. Ooooh a rumble’s a brewing! OH BUT WAIT! It’s just a prank to get Sean back from pranking her on their first date. Then Des’s parents and brother come over, and wow, Des is definitely the stunner of the family. Her mum and dad look a bit like Mennonites but they’re so very genuinely adorable. Des’s thug brother, with his knuckle tattoos, calls the whole thing stupid, and says that there’s no way things can work out with her and Sean. So he asks to “holla at ya real fast” to Sean, and rants on about reciprocation and says that he doesn’t think Sean likes Des as much as she likes him. (“You’re crazy about a lotta girls right?”) Awkward pause. They end the conversation with her brother saying “it is what it is right?” As in, you can tell me all you want how much you like Des, but I still don’t believe you and I won’t like you. After Sean leaves Des, and both her parents defend Sean to her brother. So we’re all agreed, the brother’s a douche.

Sean kicks off the rose ceremony by telling the girls that as he stands there he still doesn’t know who he’s sending home. He really could have taken more time to make that decision. Before Sean can hand out any roses, Des takes him aside, and apologizes for how rude her brother was, crying she’s so hurt by what he said. Probably a wise choice. Lindsay and AshLee get a rose, Sean picks up the final rose … looks at his two girls left … puts the rose down and then walks away without explanation. The shock is almost comically evident on Catherine’s face. Chris meets Sean in the deliberation room, and gives him the sage advice: “get this right. Take your time.” OH thanks Chris, because he was hoping to get it wrong.

After a long pause, Sean comes back and gives the rose to Catherine. Didn’t really see that coming! I mean Catherine and Sean’s dates are like teen movie montages, but Des is perhaps slightly more intelligent-seeming. Des tells Sean that she thinks he’s making a huge mistake, “100%, not even 99.9%.” He still sends her home.

And finally, we leave you with this thought. Our friend Jill, who watched with us for the first time this season, was really bothered by Sean’s eyebrows. (Too bad she never saw Tierra…) She says that it looks like he took an eraser to construction paper and rubbed them out.

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