Sarcasm Soapbox at The Oscars

We didn’t score actual invites to the 85th Academy Awards (though it’s only a matter of time, right?) but we did sit through all the random categories (like sound editing) to once again bring you our comprehensive and sarcastic commentary. We’re terribly selfless. You’re welcome. We also invented a whole bunch of our own categories once again. So let’s get right down to it!

The highlights:

Channing Tatum dancing at the Oscars with Charlize as Seth McFarlane sings. Never has there been so much swag in a classic ballroom routine.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Daniel Radcliff, and Seth McFarlane doing soft shoe and singing in three part harmony. Never has there been so much adorable in one routine.

50 Years of Bond. BOOOOOOND! From the video montage, to Dame Shirley Bassey singing “Goldfinger” and BLOWING MY MIND.

The tie in Sound Editing. If we’re giving out ties, why not just send everybody home with an Oscar? As Carolyn said: “YOU GET AN OSCAR! YOU GET AN OSCAR! EVERYBODY GETS AN OSCAR!” in her best Oprah voice.

ADELE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barbra Streisand singing in tribute to Marvin Hamlisch. There have been so many powerhouse women this evening, and Barbra was one of the very best.

The big winners:

Director – Ang Lee, Life of Pi

Animated Feature Film – Brave

Feature Film – Argo

Leading Actor – Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln

Leading Actress – Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook

Supporting Actor – Christophe Waltz, Django Unchained

Supporting Actress – Anne Hathaway, Les Mis

The Sarcasm Soapbox awards:

Best Cinderella moment: Bradley Cooper helps Kristen Chenoweth find her shoe on the red carpet after it gets lost in her ball gown. He also looks exactly identical to his mum. Though, Hugh Jackman pulled off a great Prince Charming moment as he rushes forward to help J.Law when she tumbles on her way to accepting her Oscar.

Best bum: Charlize Theron. She struts her stuff in a white Dior Haute Couture gown, showing that she’s got a rump to rival Pippa Middleton.

Oscars-Charlize Theron

CHARLIZZZE

Best frank interview: Quvenzhane Wallis. This child was so honest, so frank, and so completely polite. When asked what she thinks her chances are, she says “Pretty good!”

Best beard: George Clooney and his gorgeous salt and pepper face. (This was almost a really awesome double entendre. But I do mean the beard on his face. For real.) A close second is Hugh “THE HUGH!” Jackman.

Oscars-George Clooney

George Clooney

EE British Academy Film Awards - Red Carpet Arrivals

THE HUGH

Best acceptance speech: Adele. I love listening to that woman talk; she has the most adorable little voice. She finished her speech with gesturing to the crowd saying “YOU’RE ALL AMAZING!”

Best presenting team: Jack Nicholson and FLOTUS. I love you Michelle Obama! So poised. So eloquent. So toned.

ALL the Best dressed: Amy Adams in Oscar de la Renta

Oscars-Amy Adams1

Amy Adams

Jennifer Lawrence in Dior Haute Couture

Oscars-Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Garner in Gucci channelling in her inner peacock

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Jennifer Garner

Stacy Keibler in Naeem Khan

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Stacy Keibler

Octavia Spencer Tadashi Shoji

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Octavia Spencer

Joseph Gordon-Levitt (LOVE the bowtie, love the side part, love the bicycle socks)

Oscars-Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Bradley Cooper (THREE PIECE SUIT!)

Oscars-Bradly Cooper

Bradley Cooper

Jaime Foxx in his two-tone suit, grey with black lapels, and a gorgeous bowtie yet again

Oscars-Jaime Foxx

Jaime Foxx

Daniel Day-Lewis in his navy suit. Looking trim!

Oscars-Daniel Day-Lewis

Daniel Day-Lewis

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