NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE A METAPHOR!: A post brought to you by The Bachelor

It’s down to the final three and the overnight dates. We start the show with a montage showing the highlights of all three relationships as Sean does a voiceover. It’s entirely unnecessary because we all saw this stuff like just last week, but I also think that it would SUCK to watch this back after you’ve won the show. Sean talks about all the things that make each relationship special and different and I can’t help but feel like watching my fiancé talk about how lovely his ex-girlfriends are on national television would make me want to vomit myself to death.

Sean has brought his ladies to Thailand, because it just wouldn’t be the fantasy suit dates without incredibly hot weather. Not once have I seen a bachelor make it to this stage without going to somewhere outrageously hot and becoming outrageously sweaty. The first date is with Lindsay and they spend their time “sightseeing” making out, in true Lindsay fashion. They go to a market and see baby chicks painted red and green, do a bit of shopping, and eat a few insects. Somehow Lindsay manages to make eating bugs into a metaphor for love, saying that she was inspired by how brave Sean was by eating grasshoppers. Bachelor Nation, listen up: NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE A METAPHOR! Sometimes you’re just eating beetles. Later, on a beach, after Lindsay’s hair has completely fallen from the humidity, Sean tells her that she’s the best friend that he’s been looking for. Then they hop into bathing suits and feed monkeys, because yeah, that’s what I do on all my dates. Obviously.

They have dinner, and Sean asks Lindsay if she would be open to moving to Dallas if they get engaged. Lindsay says that absolutely, she has everything open for this. I’m thinking that wasn’t exactly what he meant… Sean invites Lindsay the Fantasy Suite, where they drink champagne and look generally orange, and Lindsay tells Sean that she loves him.

Next up, Sean takes AshLee on my worst nightmare. They need to swim through deep water in a completely dark cave to get to a private beach. Sean keeps saying “just hold on to me.” That’s a terrible idea, you’re the sadist making her swim through an underwater cave just to go to a beach. Lindsay didn’t have to do this and she was on a beach; I can’t help but feel like this is just wildly unfair. Of course, AshLee turns this into a metaphor for life and love, and relates it back to her fear of taking risks. You know what AshLee, being afraid of drowning in a cave is natural, you don’t necessarily have to let go of all your instincts, some of those are necessary to keep you alive. Also, AshLee you missed the obvious metaphor (Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. Obviously.) They make it to the beach alive and make out in some water that is startlingly green (and murky). Not. Worth. It.

As they head to dinner, AshLee says in her voice over, that every part of her being wants to be engaged of Sean, while she is not going to morally put herself out there if the other girls are. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know what either of those things even mean. Sean invites her to the Fantasy Suite to talk and AshLee rather rambles about how she doesn’t want to come across as that boundary being crossed which also doesn’t even remotely make sense. But in the end, she’s thankful because “her heart really wants to be alone with him.” ASHLEE YOU ARE KILLING ME.

Finally Sean and Catherine go sailing, sip some white wine, and sweat. Sean questions whether Catherine is ready to settle down, but he calls her his best friend. Uh oh Lindsay! HOW VERY DARE HE! On a completely separate note: Thailand has given Catherine some freckles and she’s totally glowing. I’m having major skin envy. Then Catherine and Sean do synchronized back flips off their boat, and of course Catherine makes it a metaphor. At least she doesn’t misuse “literally.” I think she’s growing.

Sean and Catherine sit down for dinner Sean says that he’s attracted to the fact that Catherine is nervous about the fantasy suite. I think that’s unusual phrasing. Never before on The Bachelor has there been so much beating about the bush about not having sex. Add that to the fact that Catherine calls Sean hunky and this whole episode has been very high school musical.

Back at the ranch, Chris Harrison shows up in a gorgeous striped shirt looking trim as ever. Chris Harrison my love for you and your sassy one-liners is ever increasing. He and Sean talk about how hard it will be to send one of his ladies home, blah blah blah, etc., etc., etc. Sean and his sunburn watch each of the ladies’ private video message, on international television. They’re all pretty much the same: you’re amazing, I love you, I can’t imagine not being with you, etc., etc., etc. and Sean looks pensive. At this point, each girl is normal enough that it really doesn’t matter who he goes home with in the end.

At the Rose Ceremony…

After the longest pause in television history, Sean gives the roses to Lindsay and Catherine. Sean looks visibly afraid to walk AshLee out, and she fixes him with the steeliest look I’ve seen her flash ever. Lindsay and Catherine raise their eyebrows to each other, noting how pissed AshLee is. AshLee stalks off (almost in a Tierra-like way) and only stops when Sean begs her to allow him to explain himself. She honestly says not a word, just stares at him, and allows him to unravel saying how he didn’t want to hurt her. All she says is “alright.” And gets into the car, where she talks about how this wasn’t a game for her – this wasn’t about laughing and having fun. Well, my dear, most people want to enjoy themselves and have fun with their significant others… This is going to make for an intense women tell-all episode I can tell you that. Stay tuned for THAT next week!

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