“I was hoping I would see a glimmer in his eyes of ‘I want to be with you forever'” A post brought to you by The Bachelor

It’s finally here! The (THREE HOUR) finale of The Bachelor. I wasn’t aware that it was so long, but naturally there’s Chris Harrison commentary cut through the whole thing, only because he’s the best part of the show.

We kick off the show by Sean sitting down with his extremely blonde and good-looking family. Honestly, his niece and nephew look like they could be in a J. Crew ad.

Catherine meets his family first. She talks about how fortunate she feels to have had this opportunity, and she answers all of his mom’s questions with so much openness and honesty I can’t help but feel like this is the best first meet the family date in the history of man. Oh my lord she’s so earnest and so composed. What a delight. Sean’s dad then takes Catherine away, “if it’s you that Sean ends up marrying, you will never have a bigger fan than me. I will love you like my daughter, and I just met you.” BLESS!

Lindsay is next, and thank goodness she’s not wearing a wedding dress. Sean’s dad calls her aside and gives her interview questions: how would you settle a difference of opinions? But at the same time, Lindsay passes with flying colours. I don’t know what it is, Sean’s dad seems intent on making all the girls cry with his sheer adorableness. Sean’s mom talks to Lindsay about shared values, and for once in her life, Lindsay doesn’t say “like” in every other word, and is coming across as lovely. Gracious, at this point, I have no idea who he’s going to choose. This might be the first time in Bachelor history the final two women are …  nice. Not a Vienna or Courtney in sight! The solution, as we’ve said all along, is sister-wives.

After the whirlwind of family meetings, Sean’s family weighs in. They all say that they love both of them. Well, that’s not helpful. Sherry, Sean’s mom, let’s him know that it’s such a huge decision, and cries because she wants him to be absolutely positive about who he chooses. Well, that’s fair, but not exactly how this show works Sherry.

First date: Lindsay

They go on a riverboat cruise. I don’t think I would ever wear makeup in Thailand, I’d just sweat it all off. They make out a lot, joke around a lot, and then make out some more. That evening Sean comes over to her hotel room wearing salmon coloured shirt and drinks some wine and talk about their hypothetical future. And then they make out some more. They release a paper lantern outside, and then they make out even more.

Second date: Catherine

Sean and Catherine go on a much more exciting date involving ELEPHANTS! They hop on a go for a little walk as the elephant eats grass and flowers. It’s kind of amazing. It couldn’t be more Disney if they tried. They lie on a gorgeous pashmina and talk about how fun and exciting things could be. In the evening Sean goes over to Catherine’s house and have bubbly and a serious, serious chat, and Catherine opens up about how much Sean means to her, and how thankful she is for his family.

All in all, both of these dates have been pretty … boring. Both girls are so nice, and Sean’s so nice. The most exciting thing was when Sean grabbed Catherine’s bum after she told him she love him, and she said that she looked hopefully into his eyes for a “glimmer of ‘I want to be with you forever.'” She got remarkably despondent remarkably quickly.

Sean meets with Neil Lane and gets the glitteriest and blingiest ring, and each girl gets ready, Lindsay in a silver gown, Catherine in gold.

Lindsay arrives first and she positively trudges up to Sean, which takes her approximately two minutes and it might be the least graceful entrance since she rocked up in a wedding dress. Sean goes on at great length about how much she blows him away, how impressed he is by her, and how wonderful he is. It sounds like the beginning of a proposal, and Lindsay beams up at him… but it’s not. Lindsay, stoically and maturely, handles the whole thing really well. They both cry quite a bit, though to her credit, she’s not an ugly crier, she still looks gorgeous. She wishes him luck, and walks away.

Chris Harrison walks up and gives Sean a letter from Catherine. DUN DUN DUN! Only it turns out to be an extremely positive letter, following her tradition of sending him love notes. Adorable. Sean says to Catherine:”I miss you every time I have to say goodbye to you. I don’t want to say goodbye anymore.” Catherine looks like she might hyperventilate, her extreme shock  is actually really endearing. They kiss and Catherine mumbles things about Sean being so handsome in between all her shock. Then they ride off into the sunset on the back on an elephant.

After the Final Rose …

Sean steps out onto the stage and immediately a lone woman in the crowd shouts “take off your shirt!” and Chris Harrison remarks that he’s so happy it’s over so he doesn’t have to see Sean naked anymore.

Lindsay comes out, looking lovely, with blonder hair, less makeup, and a sweet white dress. She and Sean have the least dramatic conversation in the history of After the Final Rose.  She is so gracious, composed, mature. She gets her closure, and she lets Sean know that she’s happy for him. Chris tries to ask the probing questions and get a dramatic response, but no. This is the least dramatic show in not only the history of The Bachelor, but the history of TV.

And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: the next Bachelorette is … DES!

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