Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That’s right.

I never watched or read The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was younger. I did use to tie a bathrobe drawstring around my forehead and pretend to be one, but I was really just following my brother around. I had no idea what I was doing. But now that I have a better understanding of TMNT (as they’re called for those hip folk), I still have a few questions.

From what I gather, they’re turtles who live in a sewer, possibly with a really smart rat, and fight crime as ninjas. But here’s what I don’t understand: do they make art in their spare time? Or perhaps it all takes place during the Renaissance. Or are they just super Italian? These are the things I wonder about.

I also want to know what makes Donatello so much like Donatello? And how is Michelangelo like Michelangelo? Does he also make giant sculptures of naked men with enormous hands? Is there supposed to be any correlation at all? I suppose I could look these things up, but I really can’t be bothered. I’d much rather have die-hard TMNT fans tell me. That seems way easier and also like more fun.

I eagerly await your responses.

~ Hilary Lyon Axle Hatchet

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