How To Name Your Child

Yesterday, I read on Suri’s Burn Book that Holly Madison had named her new baby Rainbow, which then sparked a bit of a rage in me on behalf of her poor, defenseless, stupidly named child. I don’t care how famous you may think you are, Holly, Rainbow is a dumb name for a baby. It automatically makes me question whether she was born on a commune. People need to realize that babies, though it may seem implausible when their toes look like kernels of corn and their kneecaps haven’t formed fully, will someday be children, and then teenagers, and then, even after that, adults. These are things that parents need to take into consideration while naming their child. An eighty-year-old woman named Rainbow is just sad. That having been said, although Pearl definitely ages well, having a four-year-old named Pearl is also sad.

Some people are great at naming children. My grandmother, for one, had a real knack for it. The middle name can sometimes be a bit tricky, because you think “Well, I really want to name her after my great-aunt, but Sarah Velma doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, though who really uses their middle name?” That is, I suppose, a fair point, but your middle name was a big deal when I was in grade school. I was fortunate enough to have been given the most generic middle name of all time, Elizabeth (seriously, ask your friends. I guarantee that at least one of them has the middle name Elizabeth). Others were not as lucky and that’s because they had middle names like Franz or Ursula (I don’t actually know people with those middle names; I was merely exaggerating for dramatic effect).

I mostly blame celebrities for this stupid name trend. I doubt there would be many real-world Princesses and Chynas if Gwyneth Paltrow hadn’t named her daughter Apple and Courtney Cox hadn’t given her daughter the name of a stripper and/or a clown (Coco Cox-Arquette? Are you kidding?) Reese Witherspoon got it half right with her daughter Ava, but also very wrong with her son Tennessee, because he’s not a whiskey brand.

Finally, I don’t care how badly you want a name to be unisex, sometimes it just isn’t. Maxwell is a preciously adorable and rather regal name for a boy, but significantly less so for a girl. I heard that Jessica Simpson named her daughter this with the intention of calling her Maxi, to which I say, then just name your child Maxi. It became very confusing for me because I don’t actually condone naming your child Maxi or any other thing that can be quite easily associated with menstrual cycles.

The British royalty has had it right all along. If you just name your child either Anne, Catherine, Edward, Richard, or William, it’s bound to grow up without any kind of stigma. Of course, the problem arises when everyone in your immediate family is named Edward and you can’t clearly explain to strangers which is your uncle and which is actually your hemophiliac cousin.

~ Hilary Lyon Axle Hatchet

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