I’ve just seen a commercial for the newest episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager. From what I can tell, it has morphed from a poorly scripted, unrealistic teen drama into a full-fledged soap opera. It’s like Passions, but not as well written, which, if you’ve ever seen Passions, is saying something. And what it’s saying is “holy turds, that’s a really badly written show”.
What I gathered from the commercial was that people are still debating whether or not the main character Amy, the original pregnant fourteen-year-old (she’s not fourteen any longer, that kid looks like he’s six), will marry the guy with the funny hair and prominent chin, who I’m pretty sure is her baby’s daddy. It feels like, and this is just by watching commercials and promos, it has taken all four and a half seasons for the show to develop this one plot. Will Amy accept Funny Hair’s proposal? Is Funny Hair actually cheating on her? Does Amy even want to get married? Obviously not, she’s seventeen. Four and a half seasons of this and nothing’s really changed. For tonight’s episode, Funny Hair’s potential marriage to Amy is being questioned by some older woman who used to be on Mad About You. I feel like her career has been driven into the ground. At this point, I would also like to point out that Molly Ringwald is on this show. Oy.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that, if it takes longer than an entire season to advance one singular plot, the show you’re watching is a soap opera. I used to watch Passions (because it’s hilarious; there was a witch named Tabitha and a possessed doll) during the summer holidays in the afternoon. I remember one year Sheridan Crane was trapped in a hole in someone’s basement for about a month. Keep in mind that this show aired new episodes every weekday. That’s a long time to drag out one plot line. And yet, not quite as long as four and a half seasons.
~ Hilary Lyon Axle Hatchet
P.S. I feel compelled to mention that when I was researching the characters from Passions, having forgotten Sheridan’s name, I learned that there was once a character named “Zombie Charity”.