Are you guys ready? It’s season one million and six of the Bachelorette, starring Des Hartstock (or something.) We’re three minutes in and not only has Des already cried, but Hilary is already irritated by Des. I take this to mean that this is going to be an amazing season. To be fair Des just said that she thinks that she’s Cinderella in the flesh, so perhaps the irritation is not unfounded. I’m not entirely sure what’s happening to The Bachelor franchise, perhaps because now that we all know that the chances of the romance lasting are very slim, they’ve decided they have to up the ante in other ways. And those ways are making the whole thing a giant Mary-Kate and Ashley film. We see Des get car keys to a baby blue Bentley convertible, go roller skating in a bikini top, and chase seagulls along the beach, all to her very own cheesy soundtrack.
In keeping up with recent trends, we’re getting an awful lot of Chris B. Harrison screen time, which, don’t get me wrong, I adore. But it does make me wonder if, every time Des says that she’s Cinderella and she just loves love, Chris thinks, please good lord, shoot me in the face. Because I think I would. I just don’t understand, Des has cried eight times already, and it’s only the first episode. Emily Maynard didn’t cry that much and she lost her first husband in a horrible plane accident.
As per usual, we see a quick run down of the gentlemen we’ll meet this season. One is a tailor/magician, who says that people are always drawn to magic (and hemlines, apparently?). This is not true, unless you’re Harry Potter. He was definitely not. Then we have a war veteran, a man drinking coffee, naked, on his deck, a way too energetic banker, and a guy with ginormous eyebrows, and a one-eyed dog, who invented “sign spinning.” And by that I mean the man with ginormous eyebrows has a one-eyed dog, not that there’s a contestant who’s a one-eyed dog. Wouldn’t that be exciting. Then we have Jonathan who tries to forgo weeks of television dating and go straight to the fantasy suite (and while we appreciate him shortening the journey, that’s really, really icky) and a man who gets out the limo without a shirt, trying to one up Sean’s bod, asking Des to “accept his abs.” Finally, we have a child, with the best tie out of all the men, get out of the limo with his dad. I have to admit he’s adorable, and his dad is not too shabby himself. For a horrible second I thought Brody (the baby) was going to go to the party, and unfortunately so did Brody. What a tease.
All in all, with the exception of the man wearing Chuck Taylors and a bow tie, and Ben with his gorgeous son Brody, the entire thing was rather a giant, giant, disaster. There’s a man clunking around in a suit of armour, a man doing card tricks, and a man commenting on other men’s waxed eyebrows. Some are handsome, some are arrogant, and almost all are very, very, awkward (and apparently dumb. SO dumb.) Finally, Des has something to cry about.
The cocktail party, of course, was pandemonium, and dramatic, with lots of Des stealing, and macho bros saying stupid things like “I made a commitment to myself, you don’t get these chances twice in a life” and tell stories like “oh I flipped a coin to see if I should go to my interview for this show, or my birthday party, and it told me to come here.” IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, JUST RESCHEDULE! One man gets Des a star and names it “Desirion” which sounds like an STI. So that’s romantic. Also, in completely unromantic things, Des sends Jonathan (the Fantasy Suite man) home before the Rose Ceremony for trying to pressure her into a bedroom, multiple times. Bleh he was creepy.
In the end, along with creepy Jonathan, the incredibly boring Dr. Larry, the dental student, the magician, the suit of armor, and the guy who tried to be a designer got sent home. I think it’s for the best.
Stay tuned for more stupidity, hilarity, and tears!