You look like an Army Mermaid: a post brought to you by The Bachelorette

We survived week one! You reward is week two. You’re welcome.

First date: One-on-one with Brooks

Brooks has wavy pretty-boy hair and a chin dimple, and he calls Des a “ball of mystery” which is perhaps not super complimentary. All in all he looks and sounds like a hockey player, which is not the worst thing that’s happened on this show. Larry the boring doctor was.

The date starts with every man’s dream: a trip to a bridal shop where we try on wedding outfits. That’s not scary or awkward at all! (Least of all when Des says that she feels like a real newlywed). They head over to the Hollywood sign and have a typical deep Bachelor-style conversation, where they talk about all of their past relationships and commitment hang ups. And then they make out. Winning date!

The end the date with a candlelit dinner on the middle of a bridge, that was closed down just for them. I know that commuters are probably really pissed right now, but at least it’s pretty. Then, of course, they chat about their parents’ marriages as if those are indications of how their relationship will go. In the end, I like Brooks for Des, they’re all smiles (though I would be too at a private concert).

Second date: Group date

On this group date, Des finds who’s “here for the right reasons” another extreme Bachelor cliché, that the genius producers decided to turn into a rap song, featuring Soulja Boy. RIGHT. It’s not good.

I’m sure this is not where Soulja Boy saw his career going. All in all the rap is actually rather hilarious as it pokes fun at past Bachelors, and hilarious because it’s so AWKWARD. Poor, poor Soulja Boy.

After the video shoot, the shirtless man, shows his completely unforeseen and surprising depth. He bought a notebook second-hand that had an inscription in it from a father to his daughter. So shirtless man picked it up for Des to fill with her journey. So there’s a heart underneath those pecs! Then all the Des stealing begins again, and this time it’s all the bros v. Ben. He seemed so cute, and Des certainly loves him (judging by their make out sesh), but perhaps he’s “not there for the right reasons” after all! WHAT AN UNHEARD OF DEVELOPMENT! Already, only on week two, the plumbing contractor is confronting Ben for being a douche. It goes surprisingly, maturely, and they develop what we might describe as a bromance and compare their cute shoes. This is the difference between the Bachelor and the Bachelorette. If this were the Bachelor, there would be fake nails snapping all up in other girls’ faces. Finally, Brandon swoops in and essentially clasps his hands and says “Ok Des, I have to tell you my whole back story” and proceeds to tell Des that he wants to come home to her every day, and that’s fallen in like with her. May I remind everybody that this is THE SECOND TIME THEY’VE EVER SPOKEN. At the end of the date, Ben gets the rose for “good use of time” (ie, they made out a lot).

Third date: One-on-one with Bryden

I wish Bryden would style his hair, he looks like a monk. They hop in the Barbie Bentley and go on a road trip because Ben is from Montana and has never even been to California. Perhaps he was too busy serving a tour in Iraq. Bryden kind of looks like Prince William if Prince William had very straight white teeth and a lot of Monk-like hair. They continue on their road trip to frolic at the beach, eat some oranges and brie. Bryden is not fancy, he’s not suave, he’s very salt of the earth. I respect that, he’s uncomplicated, and he is what he is. He’s an old soul. TBH, there’s not a whole lot to write about this date because it’s kind of normal, kind of pleasant, and kind of boring. In the end, he gets a rose, and they go swimming. GOOD LORD Bryden has very defined pecs. It gets mildly awkward, as Bryden cuddles up to Des in the pool and proceeds to talk about how much fun they had for at least a minute until Des says “just kiss me already” and rather than doing that Bryden instead says “so just go for it, or?” and finally Des just kisses him instead. That was both cute and awkward.

The cocktail party:

Des walks in a very tight dress that makes her look exactly like an army mermaid. Michael grabs Des and tells Des his sob story: He has Type 1 Diabetes. You know what Diabetes is really serious, and you have to be really careful, and that’s something that she for sure needs to know, but I bet Catherine, from last season, is watching this at home thinking, oh please, I watched my friend get crushed by a tree. Please. Please. Ben ends up stealing Des away from Michael, and Plumbing Contractor gets all up in arms once again. OH HAIR NO DRAMA LAMA. It’s only the second week, how is this happening? This seems really unnecessary.

I just realized that the plumbing contractor’s name is Mikey T. This changes everything.

The Rose Ceremony:

The drinking has taken it’s toll. “I feel so fun looking at you!” – Des Hartsock (as she weaves slightly on the spot)

Tonight, sign-spinner with the one-eyed dog gets sent home, along with the one and only black man, and some other individual with a large square head.

Next week: Secret girlfriends, male tank tops, and a bromantic sub-plot, but only if we’re lucky.

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