“This is a caged match of death!” Oh wait, it’s just dodgeball. (A post brought to you by The Bachelorette)

Date one: Group date one

Brandon wears an orange sweatband to play dodge ball. I think that that’s all I need to say about that.

They meet up with the commissioner of the National Dodge Ball League who is necessarily intense about “his game”. He’s all glowers which seems silly, especially since this game can be summed up as “dodge, dip, dive, duck and dodge.” Please. It’s dodge ball.

The men are divided up into a red team and a blue team, and I’d let you know who’s on which but really, it’s all just a bunch of bros saying things like “winner takes all” and “this ain’t my grandfather’s dodge ball, this is a caged death match” and “we went balls to the wall”. The blue team wins the first round, and Des gives Red team a pep talk in between games: “whatever you’re doing, it’s not working.” Thanks Des. Red team wins the second game. OH THE TENSION! Michael says that the third game “is for all the marbles.”. Brooks pulls a Tierra and gets his finger broken and has to go off to the hospital so Mikey (the biggest bro) says that they’ll “bring it home for Brooks!” Honestly, there are too many sports metaphors being said to even capture them all. BRO city!

Des pulls Brad aside (whom we’ve never ever seen before) and Brad lets her know that he has a three-year old son named Maddox, who lives with him full time. Take that Ben! Brad tells her all about how it was a horrible relationship with his alcoholic ex and how it resulted in a restraining order… against him. I understand wanting to win the rose, but I fell as though that’s too much info much too soon…

Chris pulls Des aside and they go and sit on a private patch of rooftop and have an adorable conversation – probably the first real conversation, the first non-typical Bachelor convo, we’ve seen all season. He’s tall, he’s handsome, he’s funny. NEW FAVE! Even though Brooks comes back from the hospital in a pain-killer haze, Chris gets the rose, meaning he gets to spend extra time with Des, slow dancing to a private concert by Kate Earl (who?). Awkward fact, the rest of the men remain on the rooftop, with the perfect view of Des and Chris’s private moment.

Date two: One-on-one with Kasey

OH BUT FIRST! Drama llama! Apparently Bryan has a girlfriend back home! Who you say? Yeah exactly. He’s the one where half his face is really squinty, but only half. You know the one. Meh. Chris Harrison brings out Bryan’s girlfriend who looks almost exactly like Olivia Munn, but is … well cray. She talked a mile a minute, and gets to the point where Chris tries to cut her off about a million times. It stresses me out. Let Bryan explain himself! Yes, it’s bad that Bryan hooked up with Olivia Munn look-alike two days before he left for California, but I think it’s worse that she once threw rocks at his face, and confirmed it on TV. This woman is a mother! Perhaps wisely Des sends Bryan home for being deceitful or perhaps just to distance herself from that level of crazy. All the men in the house are just learning against walls and drinking coffee just trying to be casual as security escorts him out. “Oh heeeeey Bryan, what’s up?”

Back to Kasey’s date. Des wears peach coloured pants that from far away make her look naked from the waist down. Kasey and Des harness up and dance on the side of a sky scraper. I really, really, hope people were working in that building, that would have been great. They have drinks on a rooftop until it gets crazy windy, so they jump in a pool, and it’s freezing, so they end their date in a stairwell. Kasey gets a rose purely for being a good sport. Poor guy.

Date three: Group date two

The men get picked up by a stage coach pulled by horses, and taken to the Rose and Thorn Ranch where they all get dressed up and campy in cowboy gear to learn how to pull Hollywood movie stunts. I do have to say, hot damn, these men look good in bandannas and suspenders. Juan Pablo takes the game to a whole new level speaking in Spanish and being generally hilarious. This man cracks me up, every word out of his mouth makes me laugh. He’s not intentionally funny, he’s just so chill, oblivious, and amusing, I can’t even handle it. This has been the most hilarious date I’ve seen yet. So camp, so handsome, so silly.

Later on, they head over to a campfire, and in wonderful news, Brydon has started styling his hair!!!!!!!!!! OMG HIGHLIGHT OF THE SEASON!

The Cocktail Party…

…Has been cancelled and replaced with a pool party, probably because Des wants to switch suits for abs. It’s essentially just a lot of poolside debauchery, and of course, it’s full of Ben drama, once again. Brandon, being his usual incredibly intense self tells Des, ON WEEK THREE, that he’s falling in love with her. She consumes his mind. She’s all he thinks about. They’ve hung out three times. These are the things that stalkers are made of.

The Rose Ceremony:

In the end, unfortunately uppity Michael G. doesn’t get sent home. Brandon and his obvious expression of bewilderment, and Dan (who?) get sent home. Brandon, obviously, takes it really, really hard, and is very emotional: “I pretty much just got my heart smashed by a hammer. Once again someone left me. I’m just out of tears.” Oh poor, poor Brandon.

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