I’d rather not attend mass with a shirtless priest. (Or would I?): A post brought to you by The Bachelorette

The crew heads to Munich, Germany, and Chris Harrison bungles his way through a bit of German. Bless.

We kick off the show with our friend Ali saying, “I’m distracted by all their noses! They’re just seem obscenely big. In general!” And Dominique describing the guys as “sensitive bros with giant noses.” Casey makes the most astute observation: she’s dating a whole frat house.

First one on one: Chris (yay!)

Des and Chris head out into Munich to explore, eat sausage, wear lederhosen, and dance to polka music.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Bryden tells the other bros that he’s decided that he wants to leave after all, so he’s going to interrupt her lovely date to break up with her. He heads out into the city to wander aimlessly and try and find Des. Chris has to sit on a stoop as an immensely obese pigeon pecks nearby, and just when Bryden has figured out how to style his hair, he tells Des he’s going home.

Chris and Des head to dinner and he lets Des know that he’s in for the long haul, and all of a sudden all her fears are put to bed. Oh good. Later, Des and Chris head for a generally sparkly dinner, between the chandeliers and Des’s incredibly blingy dress, and then Chris reads her another poem. Bless. Then they slow dance to a private concert. Des has private concerts like Ben Flajnik had helicopters and bad hair. (That is to say, a lot.)

Group date:

They all put on their Canada Goose ski jackets and head out to play in the snow. They reach the top of the mountain and yodel with a short German man. Des says that they’re “embracing the culture” but it’s more like blatant stereotyping. They sled down the mountain on tiny, tiny, sleds, and essentially all just bail on top of each other, and then they have a playful snowball fight. Teehee!

They hop into an ice palace and sit on a bunch of furs and eat pretzels. Des starts off the date with a cheerful “don’t waste my time, if you want to go home, just go home.” Ah. Off to a great start. Des has a few chats with a few different guys, and then she chats with shirtless man, who tells her that 10 years ago he thought he was going to be a priest. But instead, he decided that it was more important to find the perfect woman. Herm. It might be for the best, I’d rather not attend mass with a shirtless priest. Or would I?

The Ben hating has shifted a bit to the James hating. The men decide that he’s not there for the right reasons and that he’s a two-faced player. Oh the drama! James also wears a very tiny scarf on his incredibly massive frame which makes me giggle a lot. Apparently James thinks that he runs Chicago. I don’t remember Mafia Don being his job title …

Two on one date: Ben, Michael, and Des.

As Michael put it, “I now have to go on a date with a man I find repulsive.” To say the least, the date is incredibly awkward. Des said that she embraces awkward. No. Nobody does. This is generally uncomfortable. They decide to do the Polar Bear Plunge into the harbour (no, that’s disgusting), but instead they hop into a “hot tug” – a wood fired hot tub that you can navigate through the lake. It’s lime green, and I just can’t handle it. The Germans are so innovative but this didn’t need to be created. It gurgles very loudly the entire time Michael grills Ben about his son. Michael goes on the offensive, which is probably the wrong strategy, because it makes him seem like a total jerk, and makes Ben seem like the victim, like the gentleman with manners. Probably the wrong strategy. Des begins drinking heavily.

Des seems to have a very balanced approach to Ben tbh. She says that for Ben to be the outcast in a group of wonderful men says something, but that around her, he’s lovely, so perhaps he has potential. It’s sort of the first time a Bachelorette has acknowledged that maybe there could be something up with a contestant because the guys don’t like him, and I think she’s handling it very well. In the end, Des gives a rose to the man she can see a potential future with: Michael. WOAH. Did not see that coming. I would have, as Hilary suggested, chucked the rose into the fire, and picked neither.

The Rose Ceremony:

They head to Schlos Schleissheim (yes) for the rose ceremony. Des sits down one on one with Chris Harrison, and tells him that she feels confident in her feelings and she doesn’t need to have a cocktail reception. The two tall skinny guys are terribly upset because now they can’t tattle on James. Such a shame. In the end, Mikey T, the plumbing contractor gets sent home. Drew calls James “a cancer” and Mikey T takes his bad bro self home to Jersey.

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