The Solution to Celebrity Baby Names

I’ve come up with the perfect solution to celebrity baby-naming. Give your child a normal first name, like John or Lisa, but call it whatever weird thing that strikes your fancy, such as Rumor, Apple, Moon Unit, or Rainbow. And then, at the age your child no longer wants to be known as Rainbow Sparkle Poppy Bear (ahem, Jamie Oliver), they can be called their solid, socially reliable name. It’s perfect.

Because let’s be real, at some point in her life, Holly Madison’s baby is not going to want to be called Rainbow anymore. Let’s be even more real, that’ll be about age nine, when the appeal of unicorns wears off. I’m honestly not even convinced some of these celebrity names are real. I think they’re just releasing dumb nouns to the media and keeping the child’s real name to themselves to play jokes on the world’s population. To be fair, that’s probably also what I would do. For all we know, Kim Kardashian could be sitting at home thinking “those idiots, of course I didn’t name my child North West”.

But something tells me she’s not.

The reason I have such a problem with these ridiculous names is that these children are going to have to be a part of the world in their own right. Having a name like Blue Ivy or Bronx Mowgli is okay if that child also chooses to become a part on the entertainment industry, at which point people can be impressed by their familial connections. “Oh yes, I remember when you were born, Blue Ivy. Your parents are essentially the king and queen of hip hop/rap. Let me go get you a record deal.” But I’m not sure Blue Ivy the investment banker is going to do quite as well in life, especially since she has the name of a forty-year-old, chain-smoking, thoroughly bitter stripper.

Though, let’s be real, having Jay-Z as a father is impressive no matter what your profession is. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, on the other hand…

~ Hilary Lyon Axle Hatchet

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