“This is built for love”: A post brought to you by The Bachelorette

Today they’re at Medeira Island, a “hidden pearl in the Atlantic”.

Since Des’s confidence is shaken after all of the James drama so Des invites a whole bunch of friends from last season on to give her advice. Catherine is here, which is GREAT because hopefully she’ll overuse the world literally all the time again! She does pull out a set of binoculars to creep on the guys and poses the most important question of all: why is Brooks wearing a tank top?

I should note that we’re watching this episode with our friend Ed who thought that the show was only an hour long. Poor, poor Ed.

First one-on-one: Des and Brooks

As Ed points out, Brooks has a very effeminate beard. He looks more effeminate with it, than he would without it. How is that possible for facial hair? Essentially they just go on a drive and take in the scenery and hold hands and look at clouds. All the romance. They also talk about conversation that they should have, rather than just having them. Brooks talks about how it would be great to talk about where they will live, and what they’ll do when the show is over, rather than just talking about it now. Des ends the afternoon with saying “picture the best dream you’ve ever had, times it by ten, and then live it.”

Later they head to a rooftop patio dinner, and Brooks tears up when telling Des that he’s so close to his family and that he wants her to be a part of the family. He’s got a whole face flush, which to Ed, makes him look like he’s having a horrible allergic reaction to shellfish. Essentially Brooks and Des decide that they’re both running, running towards love, and that he would love for her to come and meet his family.

Second one-on-one: Des and Chris

Chris and Des are on a boat, as Chris rubs sunscreen on Des’s back, saying that their attraction is “legit.” Then they go off to a meadow and have a picnic. Des, says that all her friends would call her really independent but that she wants somebody to share her life with and not be so independent anymore. Vomit myself to death. Des and Chris write a poem together to put it in a bottle and chuck it in the sea (where I hope it will sink like a rock).

Later that evening, they head out for a dinner that they won’t eat, and Des wears another sparkly shirt and gives another terrible, rambling toast. They both take a big swig of champagne and then immediately after Chris says “so, how many kids do you want?” just right off the bat. Then Chris gets all sweaty and nervous and says “obviously I can express my emotions with you” and proceeds to read her yet another poem. NO CHRIS WHY! Not everything needs to be a poem! The poem finishes with Chris telling her that he loves her. Des says in her private camera interview that it “blew her through the roof” which is DEFINITELY not an expression.

Third one-on-one: Michael and Des

They decide to head into town and explore the town. Des is wearing a knee-length Aztec sweater complete with a hood. Terrible. Michael says that he came here on a scavenger hunt for the perfect woman – unfortunately the only woman here is Des, so …

Then they head to dinner and Michael is a bit sweaty and tells Des all about how he has diabetes and how his dad left him and his family. I really find no faults with Michael or his relationship with Des except that it’s so incredibly boring. I’m going to save you the pain and suffering that is the rest of this awkward boring date and just stop now.

Fourth date: two-on-one with Drew and Zach

They hop into Go-Karts and Des “hauls ass” (her words not mine) and they have a race in which they think they’re going 50 miles an hour but let’s be real here, they’re tiny karts. Then Des says “Why don’t you two go at it?” to which Drew seems really excited (if you know what I mean, wink, wink.) Zach compares love to the rush of adrenaline you get from a racing Go Karts, and I can only say, if anybody said that to me I think I would probably have to walk away. In no surprise to anybody, Zach wins the race.

Afterwards they divide up for one-on-one time and Drew has to wait on the picnic blanket on his own as he broods over the fact that this is the most pivotal day of his life. If I were him, I would have just picked up the rose and pinned it on my shirt – finders keepers etc. Zach shares with Des his mediocre sketch book about their journey together. I just don’t know why all these guys feel like they can share all this crap art with her, but for the love of pete, just keep that nonsense to yourselves.

Drew then has a giggly chat with Des, wherein Ed finds it very hard to believe that Drew is in fact heterosexual, and one can’t exactly blame him. Drew tells Des that he’s falling in love with Des and that he’s never had those feelings before. It’s a bit sad because Zach tells the camera that he’s not going to say I love you to Des because he respects Drew, so I can’t help but feel like when he watches this season back, he might be a bit miffed. Especially since Drew gets the rose and says “this is the best feeling a rose has given me yet”.

The Rose Ceremony

Des meets with Chris B Harrison and she greatly struggles with putting sentences together. This is why I think that’s she’s not very bright: because she struggles with stringing words together in a coherent fashion. Because of this, it makes her entire conversation with Chris Harrison INCREDIBLY confusing. She says that Drew is the most gorgeous guy, and that she’s in love with Brooks. Pretty much, she’s just in love with him. Do we need to even need to watch the rest of the season? Which Chris brings up: “is this over?” And Des says no, she’s keeping her options open, because she can picture her life with Chris. I feel so very confused. Chris Harrison says that she seems clear on her decision – REALLY? Because her incoherence has really baffled me.

In the end, she sends Michael home. I think we all saw that one coming, except for Michael who just stares incredibly blankly and incredibly intensely. Michael delivers a guilt-laden goodbye (I know my family would have really loved you, no other girl I ever meet will live up to you), which was uncomfortable to watch I will say. But not nearly as uncomfortable as when Michael calls his mom from the limo and she says “here we go again”

Tune in next week to reconnect with Desiree’s horrible brother!

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