Last night Des met each of her boyfriends’ families in what was disappointingly boring television. Not that we necessarily are rooting for Des to end up heartbroken or anything so callous, but a little excitement wouldn’t go amiss.
Each family was very normal, very welcoming, and so very kind, that the whole spectacle ultimately became a bit disturbing. Each gentleman’s mum must have remarked at least once “I’ve never seen him like this before!” and for three of them, I guess they never will again. Only one proposal will be accepted, and the normalcy of these hometowns really made that seem quite sad. I think we’re all still pulling for a “brother-husbands” situation, or at the very least, a gay subplot.
The dates kicked off with Des visiting Zach (the shirtless man) in Texas. Zach has always seemed like a very tanned, very muscular, handsome man, until we meet his family, and in an extremely shocking turn of events, we find out that he’s the ugly duckling of his clan. His sister is pure stunning and her gorgeous long hair puts the limp blob Des calls a hairstyle to shame. (Is it just me or was her hair adorable last season and kind of horrible this season?) Zach’s brother looks like a combination of Freddy Prince Jr. and Joey Lawrence’s younger brother in the 90s combined, and I mean in that in the best possible way because he’s a smoke show. But neither compare to how remarkably handsome Zach’s father is. Nothing else is really worth noting, as nothing else compares to Zach’s ridiculously handsome dad, except for the fact that they all become the next Von Trap family singers as Zach and his siblings serenade Des.
Next Des flies to Arizona to see Drew. There she meets Drew’s family, including his non-verbal older sister. It all goes remarkably well, showing that though Des might not be incredibly bright she is incredibly kind and warm. Drew prances about with his impeccable eyebrows and over-styled hair. That’s about it.
Then we find Des in Oregon with Chris, and they kick off their date not with poetry (THANK THE LORD) but with a game of baseball. Back at the ranch, Chris has a very blunt conversation with most of his family about his ex-girlfriend, while Des gets her back adjusted by Chris’s chiropractor father. It’s actually probably the best moment of the show when Chris says “I know you liked my ex, you just didn’t like her for me” and his sister replies with “No. We didn’t like her at all.” I feel like it would be horrible to be Chris’s ex and watching the show at that moment.
Finally, Des runs into the arms of Brooks in Utah. Brooks wears a horribly ugly yellow and blue plaid shirt and seems very morose. We’ve all noticed a bit of a change in Brooks tbh – gone is the goofy man who smashed a ukulele at the Mr. America pageant, in his place, is a morose, quiet, and pensive sort of bearded fellow. It’s not really an improvement, and it does make it seem as though he’s having second thoughts. It’s unfortunate because pre-Bachelorette Brooks was a great guy; a total goofball who seemed fun to be around. But current Brooks seems like he’s going to break Des’s heart.
At the end, and in no real shocking twist, poor Zach gets sent home. I wonder if Des watched that episode and the way in which she chose to break up with Zach and understood the words she said, because we certainly didn’t and I don’t think Zach did either. There was a lot of “because of who you are… you’re expressive and things… it was important… I didn’t want… you know?” NO. I don’t.
Join us next week for the men tell all! OH bro-drama. Sure to be exciting!
~ Julia Maurice Sabre-Ocean