“Please tell me someone has died”: A Post Brought to You By The Bachelorette

I can sum up this episode in two words: tears and comfortableness. Essentially, it’s all incredibly frustrating, which is why you’ll all be glad you came here to read this instead of having to sit through the agony that is watching it yourself. You’re welcome.

To start off, we have a wholly unnecessary recap of what has happened on the season this far, even though we have been watching it all season and we had The Men Tell All last week in which they recapped what had happened on the season so far. These are the highlights:

  • 80% of this recap is montages of Des making out with assorted men against brick walls
  • I could’ve done without the poetry montage
  • the most interesting thing about Des is the amount of mascara she wears (how does she keep her eyes open?)

We’re all very caught up and we can finally move on to Des’ first date in Antigua with Drew. Drew has prettier hair than her. The fantasy suite looks like the bedroom of a prepubescent girl circa 1995 and Des has the pants to match. Palazzo pants? Where did she even find those? Please tell me she made them herself. I think that would be the funniest possible outcome. I had many a pair of those, but in my defense, the ’90s were a simpler time and I was a child. But I digress. Des tells Drew that she thinks a relationship needs to have both communication and mutual support (groundbreaking!), though in far more words, and then they head off to the fantasy suite and we have to listen to the sound of them kissing. Although, Drew straight up steals lines from a Savage Garden song and says that he’s “truly, madly, deeply” in love with Des.

Cut to Brooks talking to his mother and sister about his feelings for Des. All that’s clear at this point is that nothing is clear. Brooks wonders why he can’t seem to tell Des that he loves her. It’s probably because it’s only been about five weeks and he’s a normal human being.

Before Brooks can fully figure it out, Des has her date with Chris, to which she shows up dressed like an island stripper, as my good friend Dominique so aptly pointed out. There’s a helicopter, which is very unoriginal (just as Ben Flajnik), and Des says that she and Chris connect on so many different levels. Standing up, sitting down, lying on the beach… Making out on the beach seems like a good idea until… Chris brings up the topic of where they would live should they end up together. He’s really the only one to be practical, which is why I like him so much. I could do without the poems, but nevertheless.

And now, BRING ON THE TEARS! Des gets ready for her date with Brooks wearing a smile and a crop top. How old is she again? Too old to be wearing a crop top? Probably. Meanwhile, Brooks has met up with Chris Harrison, who says the words “So just to be clear” about nine separate times and nothing seems to be getting clearer until Brooks drops le bombshell and says he is not in love with Des and what’s more, doesn’t think he ever will be. Chris H. gets all Dr. Phil on Brooks and brings up his parents’ divorce, but Brooks is adamant that he knows what loves feels like and this is not it. Well then.

When Brooks goes to meet up with Des, he’s already crying and you can just tell she’s thinking “please tell me you’re upset because someone has died”. Brooks, in the most convoluted and drawn out way possible, tells Des that he is not “crazy in love with her”. Des then proceeds to tell him that she is in love with him, which she tries to use to emotionally blackmail him into loving her essentially. The whole thing becomes very uncomfortably passive aggressive on her end. So much so that I can barely handle it.

Des tells Brooks that she’s never experienced reciprocated love, you know except for those other two guys who love her for unknown reasons. I mean, I’m about 87.9% certain that Drew is into men and even he loves her. Des sobs A LOT and the producers manage to make it last for twenty minutes. Brooks finally leaves and there’s more sobbing still. She walks towards the end of the dock and for a moment there I was slightly concerned that she was going to drown herself in the ocean. She’s just melodramatic enough to do it and it would add quite a bit to her pity party.

In the end we still have to watch another two hours of this crap next week.

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