The upside to our new apartment is that it’s palatial with gorgeous cream coloured crown molding and heated floors. The downside is the configuration of the house. It has been divided up into apartments, and ours is one of five. That means that Hilary shares a wall with the neighbours who live directly above me. And we hate them.
Julia: When we moved in on the long weekend I think the neighbours must have been away on holiday because I heard nary a peep from their apartment above me, and I rejoiced. My old apartment was remarkably loud. It was also full of rodent-sized arachnids which were mostly why I moved, but the noise was not super fun. Now, every night I have to listen to the neighbours’ horrible rat/dog before I go to sleep. I’ve never actually seen this creature, so I don’t know if it is indeed a rat-sized dog, or maybe it’s a dog-sized rat. I’d put nothing past those people.
Hilary: I also have to listen to them, but it’s usually at three o’clock in the morning. I’m not entirely certain why they’re even awake at three o’clock in the morning on a weeknight, but they are. Or perhaps it’s their small dog/large rat. In any case, I don’t like them, rat/dog included.
Julia: Oh I don’t like them much either. It sounds like they’re moving furniture every single evening. Surely they don’t redecorate that much.
Hilary: And also surely not at three in the morning! I just want to buy them a cheap rug and leave it on their doorstep with a subtle, but kind note that says “SHUT UP, I HATE YOU”.
Julia: Well yes, they have gotten quite stompy as of late! I really don’t remember the footfalls being quite so insanely loud before. I think that perhaps the girl dumped her first, quieter boyfriend, and now this loud ape-man has moved in, and he stomps about at all hours of the night. A rug would do him good. And of course, it’s not all their fault, sometimes you just have to blame the house. One night the ape-man woke me up with his stomping but the house was so still and quiet that I could literally hear him pee in his bathroom above mine. No amount of rugs is going to fix that.
Hilary: Not unless he pees onto a rug.
Julia: Again, not really a solution…
Hilary: Perhaps not for them, because their rugs would always be damp, but I’d probably be okay with it.
Julia: THINK OF THE SMELL!
(I don’t know why I shouted that. It felt right)
Hilary: Okay, that’s true. And that might permeate to our apartment because you can sometimes smell them smoking.
Julia: Oh yes, but that’s when they stand on their front stoop and the wind blows a certain way. I’m very close to their stoop. That’s a funny word, stoop.
Hilary: It is a truly hilarious word. Stoop. Stoop. Stoop. Okay, stoop it. I mean, stop it.