There was a really great episode of Happy Endings where Penny has completely run out of clean clothes and so she visits the laundry mat wearing a ridiculous outfit involving a cat sweater. There, she meets a guy wearing an equally ridiculous outfit, looking like he’s wearing all the items nobody ever wants from the thrift store. When they go out on a date and he’s still wearing cat sweaters and awkward knits, Penny realizes that she hasn’t picked up somebody who was suffering from a lack of clean clothes; she’s picked up a hipster. It’s genius, because he’s got a beanie, skinny pants, and giant glasses. The whole joke is that he dresses so poorly it’s become ironic.
A couple weeks ago I went to the optometrist for the first time in three years, and found out that yes, my prescription had indeed changed. I both love and dread hearing that news – I can shop for new glasses which is both exciting and exhausting, and soon the world will be thrown into razor sharp focus … and I’ll be able to see clearly just how tired I look in the mornings.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I have a weird face shape. I’m sure everybody looks at their heads and thinks, “why do I look so much like a potato?” (or at least this is what I tell myself), and I’m sure everybody struggles to find the perfect frames. My face is a heart-square hybrid (or pentagon, if we’re going to call a spade a spade), and so I require a nice wide frame to balance out my nice wide jaw. After perusing my optometrist’s somewhat limited selection, I grabbed my prescription and headed to an optometry office with a bigger selection. And then another. And then LenseCrafters, where I tried on every single pair of frames in the store, even the men’s.
It was exhausting.
In the end, I found these beauties. They’re ENORMOUS. I might as well just hop into a giant prescription hamster ball and wheel myself about. I look like a hipster. Add this to the fact that my favourite band is from Sweden, and suddenly I’m a sweater vest away from being that guy Penny picked up in the laundry mat (give or take a few anatomical details).
Fun fact about giant frames: they begin to distort your vision at the edges. They’re so immense, that when you look through the bottoms everything swims in front of your eyes. At night, they halo around the edges (I kept startling myself by thinking that I was seeing bright lights out of the corners of my eyes. It was just the glasses reflecting at the edges.) My optometrist explained that my eyes will either adjust, or I’ll have to go and get smaller frames.
The thing about vision is that it’s the most fun when you can actually use it. I have to physically work at seeing with these monstrous frames. My eyes are tired. I’m taking these beasts back. It’s too hard to be a hipster.
~ Julia Maurice Sabre-Ocean.