Monthly Archives: January 2014

Questionable morals and soccer injuries: another Bachelor post

As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Juan Pablo said some extremely questionable and frankly offensive things about gay people in an interview over the weekend. He later issued an apology blaming the language barrier, but the interview was so bad that ABC released a statement letting viewers know that in no way do Jaun Pablo’s views reflect those of the network.

And this is our Bachelor. It’s not that every single other Bachelor in history has been the ultimate catch that we’re all delirious enough to want to marry. Most of them have been kinda ‘meh.’ But most of them have come across as decent human beings who didn’t talk much about their personal, political or religious views. And that suited us just fine. It’s a little hard to watch the show now as half naked women frolic around squealing over how lovely Juan Pablo is. Sure, he’s easy on the eyes. Yes, he seems like a nice guy. But he’s definitely not our favourite…

So with that in mind, Juan Pablo takes the former NBA dancer on one-on-one date in the world’s most useless invention: a Jeep that then turns into a speedboat. They ride it to a private yacht, which then then jump off of and swim around in the harbour. That’s how you get the runs.

Afterwards, they head back to J. Pabs’ place and make dinner together and salsa dance awkwardly in the kitchen. In his on camera interview J. Pabs waggles his eyebrows and says that he likes that she can dance. Sure.

Next, J. Pabs takes the “Science Educator” on a date where they have to tandem bungee jump off a bridge. She breaks into panicked tears – as any rational woman would – at the thought of hurtling herself off a bridge, tethered to J. Pabs. Juan Pablo spends the first ten minutes trying to talk her into jumping even though she’s clearly terrified, and it’s not until he finally concedes and tells her that they don’t have to do it, that she decides to do it. She realizes that she trusts him, and takes a leap of faith. You know what lady? The man you need to trust is the one with the questionable goatee who strapped you in.

After that debacle, they have dinner and a private concert by a country artist probably known to other people who actually listen to country but certainly not known to me. They dance, she gets a rose, blah blah blah.

The final date is a group date where Juan Pablo teaches the girls soccer drills and then they play a game against each other. Not being athletic or into organized activities of most kinds I probably would have just left this date, packed my evening gowns, and gone. The ladies all stuck it out though, despite half of them getting smoked in the face by flying soccer balls. Never has anything so uncoordinated graced my television screen. It was like a million Taylor Swifts, running, elbows flailing, across a soccer stadium and it was awesome.

Afterwards, they all change and have cocktails and the drama officially commences. Sharlene and J. Pabs make out (which was legitimately horrifying, I never want to see that much tongue again) and the other girls get jealous. In the end, J. Pabs gives the rose to Nicki (“Aiiiiii Neekee Neekee!”) and they all go home.

Back at the ranch instead of having a cocktail party they have a pool party. There are tears. Of course. Claire, and her slightly crazy eyes, has a bit of a cry in the bathroom because J. Pabs is kissing Sharlene (yes again, why must they assault our eyes?) and of course, Renee has to be the one to calm her down. Geesh.

In the end, Juan sends home a girl with very sparkly shorts and the Free Spirit. TBH, we’re going to rather miss Lucy and her loveliness. Her brazen nudity perhaps not, but he kindness, for sure.

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“Everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now”: A post brought to you by The Bachelor

Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was an unexpected delight. I won’t lie to you, after the premier last week I think we all thought that this season was going to be outrageously boring. Not that I want every girl to be a train wreck of epic proportions but there need to be at least a handful of likeable people or else why bother? Last night we decided we were into Renee (who just seems mature, nice, and fun), Dani (the federal prosecutor who’s hella gorgeous), and Nikki the pediatric nurse. They just all seem super precious.

The episode kicked off with Juan Pablo taking fake baby-bump girl (aka Clare) on a one-on-one where she flashed a whole lot of crazy eyes. She seems like a nice kid, and they played in some snow created especially for them, and then they made out in a hot tub. Typical bachelor date.

Then Juan Pablo takes Kat on a one-on-one to the Electric Run in Salt Lake City where they jog a 5K and dance to techno music. I just think that if my date was running a race I’d go home. Again, kind of a typical bachelor date, they dance, they fly around in a private jet, yadda yadda yadda.

We finish off the dates with a group date where J. Pabs and his harem of lady friends have a photo shoot, promoting pet adoption. Each girl poses with a dog and some girls have horribly embarrassing outfits and some girls have no outfits at all.

Wait what?

I think that Bachelor Nation might have gone too far on this one. I think it’s one thing to push the girls out of their comfort zones by having them bungee jump or hang glide, but it’s a nothing thing to pressure them into doing a nude photo shoot. I know that if the two girls who were asked to pose nude were absolutely set against it that the Bachelor producers couldn’t make them (or at least I hope that). But the show has fostered this really odd competitive pressure where it’s not enough to show up, look pretty, and have a lovely personality, you have to jump through hoops to prove your love for this man. It almost makes sense; he’s dating 15 other people. But to feel that if you don’t take all your clothes off you’ll be eliminated is a twisted sort of pressure. In the end, the Free Spirit and Dani both decide that they’re comfortable with it, and pose nude with an also nude Juan Pablo. Dani looked beautiful, but I’m still left a bit uncomfortable by the whole thing.

Afterwards, they all head to a rooftop patio for drinks, where Victoria gets absolutely off her face on champagne. In what is probably my favourite line ever, Nikki takes her aside and tells her: “I think everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now.” Yes, that’s exactly what everybody thought. She flipped her lid and went and sobbed in the bathroom, rather angrily we might add, because Juan Pablo was spending time with other girls. Renee tried to calm her down, Juan Pablo tried to calm her down, and a producer with a beard so excellent we suspect he moonlights as a folk singer tried to calm her down. The best part, without a doubt, was that she had the most hilarious on-camera interview talking about how she did the Heimlich maneuver on Juan Pablo. Only she said something that sounds a bit like Heimlich but most definitely is not first aid. In the end, Juan ends up visiting her the next day in her hotel room and sends her home, saying that somebody who gets out of control like that isn’t the right fit for his family.

We round out the show with a slightly uneventful cocktail party, and Juan Pablo sends home Chantel and this girl who’s a reporter … I want to say Jill? I can’t say that we were all torn up about it, though Chantel was a super babe who dressed outrageously well. We’re a bit sad to see that go.

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J. Pabs. Kicking off the 18th season of the Bachelor in style

Well, it’s begun. The 18th season of The Bachelor, this round starring Juan Pablo, or “J. Pabs” as we’ve affectionately nicknamed him. It’s probably the only thing that could bring us out of semi-hiatus. You’re welcome world.

This season takes place in Miami, so if everybody is tangerine in colour (and they are), at least they have more of an excuse this time? We kick off the episode with Sean showing up to give J. Pabs some slightly awkward bro-ish bachelor advice. We all can’t seem to remember Sean being so ginger in the past (did they give him highlights when he was Bachelor??) but he’s as charismatic as always.

Oh and speaking of tangerines, here’s Chris Harrison! Nice tan bro.

This season we’re pleasantly surprised by the fact that there are some very smart contestants! A federal prosecutor, a pediatric nurse, a psychiatric nurse (with gorgeous hair), and a beautiful Canuck who’s also an opera singer (man she was poised.)

We’re also pleasantly surprised by some contestants who just sound really, really dumb. Is “science educator” actually an occupation? How is “free spirit” a job? Or “dog lover”? Let’s just call a spade a spade, you’re “fun”-employed. And then there’s the girl who shows up with a fake baby bump, because she knows that he wants more children. (*waggles eyebrows* in a creepy whisper: “I’ll be your vessel”) BAD STRATEGY.

The girls all filing out of the limos provided just so much candid entertainment. J. Pabs checks out each one’s bum as she walks away. There’s a couple awkward pauses, a couple awkward hugs, two gifts for Camila, one lady pronouncing his name right, a bicycle powered piano, and some extremely blinged out dresses.

Then we kick off the cocktail party with music, dancing, and the first champagne of many, many more to come. There’s a whole lot of squealing and “he’s so cute, ohmygod, I’m going to die.” (only if you do so quietly, please.) Then there’s the classic line, and I think that this hints at a strong foundation for a strong relationship: “that accent! … I don’t even care we what you’re saying, just keep talking.” Uh huh. And then the waterworks start; girls are already crying because they haven’t yet had a one-on-one chat with J. Pabs. You know what love, I’ll save you the trouble, the whole conversation will essentially be him going “hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? Oh giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrl.” Is it just us,  or does J. Pabs sort of seem like the stereotypical gay best friend? “What can I saaaaaaaaaaaaaay?” “Honestlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy wow.”

The first impression rose goes to the Canadian beauty, Sharlene, who seems wholly unimpressed by it. He asks her if she’ll accept his rose, and she goes “really?” sardonically. That must have knocked him down a couple pegs… Eventually she says “sure. Yes.” She could not be less impressed by it. She’s all “oh it felt a little forced” and he’s all “oh I like the way you are.” Hilary really relates to Sharlene, which I think, tells you a lot about her. She’s just kind of just standing there suppressing every eye roll in the world.

Let the rose ceremony commence! After accidentally calling the wrong name (he did say that he was bad with names…) and making the whole thing incredibly awkward, J. Pabs sends home:

  • The girl he called by accident but who he didn’t actually want. That’s sad really.
  • The really depressed mineral coordinator.
  • The scary personal trainer.
  • And the incredibly terrifying masseuse.

A bunch of them cry, because picturing their life with Juan Pablo “was really great”. You rested all your hopes and dreams on Juan Pablo?

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