Well, it’s begun. The 18th season of The Bachelor, this round starring Juan Pablo, or “J. Pabs” as we’ve affectionately nicknamed him. It’s probably the only thing that could bring us out of semi-hiatus. You’re welcome world.
This season takes place in Miami, so if everybody is tangerine in colour (and they are), at least they have more of an excuse this time? We kick off the episode with Sean showing up to give J. Pabs some slightly awkward bro-ish bachelor advice. We all can’t seem to remember Sean being so ginger in the past (did they give him highlights when he was Bachelor??) but he’s as charismatic as always.
Oh and speaking of tangerines, here’s Chris Harrison! Nice tan bro.
This season we’re pleasantly surprised by the fact that there are some very smart contestants! A federal prosecutor, a pediatric nurse, a psychiatric nurse (with gorgeous hair), and a beautiful Canuck who’s also an opera singer (man she was poised.)
We’re also pleasantly surprised by some contestants who just sound really, really dumb. Is “science educator” actually an occupation? How is “free spirit” a job? Or “dog lover”? Let’s just call a spade a spade, you’re “fun”-employed. And then there’s the girl who shows up with a fake baby bump, because she knows that he wants more children. (*waggles eyebrows* in a creepy whisper: “I’ll be your vessel”) BAD STRATEGY.
The girls all filing out of the limos provided just so much candid entertainment. J. Pabs checks out each one’s bum as she walks away. There’s a couple awkward pauses, a couple awkward hugs, two gifts for Camila, one lady pronouncing his name right, a bicycle powered piano, and some extremely blinged out dresses.
Then we kick off the cocktail party with music, dancing, and the first champagne of many, many more to come. There’s a whole lot of squealing and “he’s so cute, ohmygod, I’m going to die.” (only if you do so quietly, please.) Then there’s the classic line, and I think that this hints at a strong foundation for a strong relationship: “that accent! … I don’t even care we what you’re saying, just keep talking.” Uh huh. And then the waterworks start; girls are already crying because they haven’t yet had a one-on-one chat with J. Pabs. You know what love, I’ll save you the trouble, the whole conversation will essentially be him going “hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? Oh giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrl.” Is it just us, or does J. Pabs sort of seem like the stereotypical gay best friend? “What can I saaaaaaaaaaaaaay?” “Honestlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy wow.”
The first impression rose goes to the Canadian beauty, Sharlene, who seems wholly unimpressed by it. He asks her if she’ll accept his rose, and she goes “really?” sardonically. That must have knocked him down a couple pegs… Eventually she says “sure. Yes.” She could not be less impressed by it. She’s all “oh it felt a little forced” and he’s all “oh I like the way you are.” Hilary really relates to Sharlene, which I think, tells you a lot about her. She’s just kind of just standing there suppressing every eye roll in the world.
Let the rose ceremony commence! After accidentally calling the wrong name (he did say that he was bad with names…) and making the whole thing incredibly awkward, J. Pabs sends home:
- The girl he called by accident but who he didn’t actually want. That’s sad really.
- The really depressed mineral coordinator.
- The scary personal trainer.
- And the incredibly terrifying masseuse.
A bunch of them cry, because picturing their life with Juan Pablo “was really great”. You rested all your hopes and dreams on Juan Pablo?