“Everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now”: A post brought to you by The Bachelor

Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was an unexpected delight. I won’t lie to you, after the premier last week I think we all thought that this season was going to be outrageously boring. Not that I want every girl to be a train wreck of epic proportions but there need to be at least a handful of likeable people or else why bother? Last night we decided we were into Renee (who just seems mature, nice, and fun), Dani (the federal prosecutor who’s hella gorgeous), and Nikki the pediatric nurse. They just all seem super precious.

The episode kicked off with Juan Pablo taking fake baby-bump girl (aka Clare) on a one-on-one where she flashed a whole lot of crazy eyes. She seems like a nice kid, and they played in some snow created especially for them, and then they made out in a hot tub. Typical bachelor date.

Then Juan Pablo takes Kat on a one-on-one to the Electric Run in Salt Lake City where they jog a 5K and dance to techno music. I just think that if my date was running a race I’d go home. Again, kind of a typical bachelor date, they dance, they fly around in a private jet, yadda yadda yadda.

We finish off the dates with a group date where J. Pabs and his harem of lady friends have a photo shoot, promoting pet adoption. Each girl poses with a dog and some girls have horribly embarrassing outfits and some girls have no outfits at all.

Wait what?

I think that Bachelor Nation might have gone too far on this one. I think it’s one thing to push the girls out of their comfort zones by having them bungee jump or hang glide, but it’s a nothing thing to pressure them into doing a nude photo shoot. I know that if the two girls who were asked to pose nude were absolutely set against it that the Bachelor producers couldn’t make them (or at least I hope that). But the show has fostered this really odd competitive pressure where it’s not enough to show up, look pretty, and have a lovely personality, you have to jump through hoops to prove your love for this man. It almost makes sense; he’s dating 15 other people. But to feel that if you don’t take all your clothes off you’ll be eliminated is a twisted sort of pressure. In the end, the Free Spirit and Dani both decide that they’re comfortable with it, and pose nude with an also nude Juan Pablo. Dani looked beautiful, but I’m still left a bit uncomfortable by the whole thing.

Afterwards, they all head to a rooftop patio for drinks, where Victoria gets absolutely off her face on champagne. In what is probably my favourite line ever, Nikki takes her aside and tells her: “I think everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now.” Yes, that’s exactly what everybody thought. She flipped her lid and went and sobbed in the bathroom, rather angrily we might add, because Juan Pablo was spending time with other girls. Renee tried to calm her down, Juan Pablo tried to calm her down, and a producer with a beard so excellent we suspect he moonlights as a folk singer tried to calm her down. The best part, without a doubt, was that she had the most hilarious on-camera interview talking about how she did the Heimlich maneuver on Juan Pablo. Only she said something that sounds a bit like Heimlich but most definitely is not first aid. In the end, Juan ends up visiting her the next day in her hotel room and sends her home, saying that somebody who gets out of control like that isn’t the right fit for his family.

We round out the show with a slightly uneventful cocktail party, and Juan Pablo sends home Chantel and this girl who’s a reporter … I want to say Jill? I can’t say that we were all torn up about it, though Chantel was a super babe who dressed outrageously well. We’re a bit sad to see that go.

Follow us on Twitter (@SarcasmSoapbox) for hilarious live tweeting every Monday night.

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