As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Juan Pablo said some extremely questionable and frankly offensive things about gay people in an interview over the weekend. He later issued an apology blaming the language barrier, but the interview was so bad that ABC released a statement letting viewers know that in no way do Jaun Pablo’s views reflect those of the network.
And this is our Bachelor. It’s not that every single other Bachelor in history has been the ultimate catch that we’re all delirious enough to want to marry. Most of them have been kinda ‘meh.’ But most of them have come across as decent human beings who didn’t talk much about their personal, political or religious views. And that suited us just fine. It’s a little hard to watch the show now as half naked women frolic around squealing over how lovely Juan Pablo is. Sure, he’s easy on the eyes. Yes, he seems like a nice guy. But he’s definitely not our favourite…
So with that in mind, Juan Pablo takes the former NBA dancer on one-on-one date in the world’s most useless invention: a Jeep that then turns into a speedboat. They ride it to a private yacht, which then then jump off of and swim around in the harbour. That’s how you get the runs.
Afterwards, they head back to J. Pabs’ place and make dinner together and salsa dance awkwardly in the kitchen. In his on camera interview J. Pabs waggles his eyebrows and says that he likes that she can dance. Sure.
Next, J. Pabs takes the “Science Educator” on a date where they have to tandem bungee jump off a bridge. She breaks into panicked tears – as any rational woman would – at the thought of hurtling herself off a bridge, tethered to J. Pabs. Juan Pablo spends the first ten minutes trying to talk her into jumping even though she’s clearly terrified, and it’s not until he finally concedes and tells her that they don’t have to do it, that she decides to do it. She realizes that she trusts him, and takes a leap of faith. You know what lady? The man you need to trust is the one with the questionable goatee who strapped you in.
After that debacle, they have dinner and a private concert by a country artist probably known to other people who actually listen to country but certainly not known to me. They dance, she gets a rose, blah blah blah.
The final date is a group date where Juan Pablo teaches the girls soccer drills and then they play a game against each other. Not being athletic or into organized activities of most kinds I probably would have just left this date, packed my evening gowns, and gone. The ladies all stuck it out though, despite half of them getting smoked in the face by flying soccer balls. Never has anything so uncoordinated graced my television screen. It was like a million Taylor Swifts, running, elbows flailing, across a soccer stadium and it was awesome.
Afterwards, they all change and have cocktails and the drama officially commences. Sharlene and J. Pabs make out (which was legitimately horrifying, I never want to see that much tongue again) and the other girls get jealous. In the end, J. Pabs gives the rose to Nicki (“Aiiiiii Neekee Neekee!”) and they all go home.
Back at the ranch instead of having a cocktail party they have a pool party. There are tears. Of course. Claire, and her slightly crazy eyes, has a bit of a cry in the bathroom because J. Pabs is kissing Sharlene (yes again, why must they assault our eyes?) and of course, Renee has to be the one to calm her down. Geesh.
In the end, Juan sends home a girl with very sparkly shorts and the Free Spirit. TBH, we’re going to rather miss Lucy and her loveliness. Her brazen nudity perhaps not, but he kindness, for sure.