Monthly Archives: February 2014

“It’s ok”: a post brought to you by The Bachelor

Well that got dramatic.

Tonight were the overnight dates in St. Lucia, and everything started off in typical Bachelor fashion. J. Pabs and Clare lounged on yacht, Andi and Juan sat by a waterfall, and Nikki and Juan Pablo rode horses down the beach. Typical Harlequin romance book cover type activities. Apart from Nikki’s absolutely astounding amount of cleavage, nothing too out of the ordinary. All three women went up to the Fantasy Suites and Juan Pablo got all starry-eyed over each of them.

Andi however had had enough. While last week she was excited by the prospect of falling for Juan Pablo, this week she realized that he doesn’t even know her at all. She felt that he didn’t ask her any questions about herself, that he didn’t know any of her important core values, and essentially, that this wasn’t turning into a real relationship, he was just having fun and didn’t actually care about her as a person. Well, yeah that sounds about right.

So she decides to go home, because this is not the sort of relationship she wants to be in. She breaks up with Juan Pablo and lets him know that she doesn’t see a future with him and that she feels like he doesn’t know her at all, doesn’t even really care about her. He says, “that’s ok” and that he understands her viewpoint, appreciates her honesty, and that if she’s not feeling it, he can’t make her stay.

This is where Andi should have cut her losses, given him a hug, gotten the heck out, and badmouthed him in her on-camera interview. But instead she takes offence to him saying that it’s ok because it just reinforces how very little he cares about her. It devolves into a very messy argument wherein Andi’s upset and trying to get straight answers out of Juan and where Juan simply says, shhh it’s ok, over and over and over. Honestly it was a bit exhausting, though a bit exciting. It gets especially good when Andi calls him out for being disrespectful for talking about his other overnight dates with her, and for saying that she only got through to this round “by default.” Defending himself, Juan Pablo says, “No, I said that you barely made it through to this round,” because somehow that’s better, and essentially says that it’s her fault if she’s insulted by his honesty. Eventually, when she realizes that she can’t have a spirited debate with Juan Pablo, as was apparently her hope, she packs up and leaves.

Juan says that he found the argument disappointing and that even if Andi asked to stay he wouldn’t let her. The whole point was that she didn’t want to stay, bud.

In the end, Clare and Nikki, arch-enemies forever, get the final two roses. At this point we hope Clare wins, partially because you can tell  by her crazy eyes how much she wants this, partially because they actually seem to enjoy each other and partially because she talks so much about her family and her dad that she might be the only one that Juan Pablo knows anything about.

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“You’re not respecting Momma!”: A post brought to you by The Bachelor

Well, we’re back, just in time for this week’s two part special! I won’t lie to you, this first part was awfully boring.

This week we saw hometown dates. First up is Aiiii Neekee Neekee. She takes Juan Pablo to a barbeque place and then they ride a mechanical bull. It’s all incredibly fascinating. Then, he meets her parents and has a lovely dinner with her family. He doesn’t outright ask for her parents’ blessing, but they do say that they trust Nicki completely and they support her in whatever decision she makes. Honestly, it was just that boring.

Next, J. Pabs heads to Andi’s hometown. She takes him to the shooting range and she gets a bulls-eye on her very first try. Needless to say, I think we’re all a bit terrified of Andi. Not only is she rather emotionally insecure but she’s armed and dangerous. Then it’s Juan Pablo’s turn and we can’t help but feel like it was a terrible idea to arm this man. Andi says that he can’t come home with her unless he hits a bulls-eye which I think is an odd standard. I’d say that he couldn’t come home with me unless he started respecting women or changed his views on marriage equality but I guess that’s just me.

Back at the range they have a lovely dinner with Andi’s family and her also very pretty sister. We’ve got the sort of Kate and Pippa Middleton effect happening here where we’re not quite sure which sister is prettier. Andi gushes to her family about all the wonderful adventures she’s been having with Juan and her dad is being a total Debbie Downer pointing out that the whole time they’ve been going on group dates. Literally, she’s had one one-on-one date with the man and she thinks she’s ready to get married to him? They’ve spent like a second together! We can’t help but agree with her dad. Later, J. Pabs attempts to ask her dad for his blessing, in a rather roundabout way, saying “if we get to that point, then would you welcome me to your family?” and the dad essentially says that they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it. Only he says it in a far more intimidating way so that Juan visibly shrinks back and says “ok, great.” Is it great Juan Pablo? IS it?

Next, Juan Pablo heads to Renee’s hometown and meets her son, who is just as precious as we could have imagined. I think it’s no secret that we’re essentially totally in love with Renee and her cutie kid just upped the ante. Also, I swear, she just keeps getting more beautiful. Her makeup was so minimal, and her hair was totally blah, and yet she was radiant.

Ok. I’ll stop gushing about Renee.

Renee and J. Pabs settle down to watch her son’s baseball game and then head to her parents’ house for dinner. I don’t know what it is about Renee – her maturity, her calm, lovely presence – but Juan Pablo is just so much less aggravating around her. She honestly brings out the best in him. It must be exhausting for her. J. Pabs chats with Renee’s bro and her dad while Renee and her mum have a wonderful heart-to-heart where her mum just gushes about how she wants Renee to be happy. We do too, we do too.

Finally, Juan meets up with Clare and her crazy eyes. They go for a walk as Clare talks more about her dad, and then they go over to her Momma’s house for dinner. She has a million sisters and they all seem to have a touch of the crazy. There’s a very, very odd incident where Laura won’t leave Clare or Juan alone with Momma and insists on speaking for her as if she’s some sort of interpreter. It turns out that Momma can indeed speak English and totally welcomes Juan into the family, so we have no idea what that was about. If anything, Laura might be crazier than Clare. Clare reacted to the whole thing like a calm, collected adult, and whined a bit and then cried, saying that nobody wanted to see her happy. Just ridiculous.

Finally the madness ended with the rose ceremony, where Juan sent Renee home.

I’m sorry, WHAT? She’s the best thing that ever happened to him!

On second thought, we’re actually rather glad that she’s managed to escape Juan Pablo’s clutches. RENEE FOR BACHELORETTE!

Renee leaves graciously saying that it wasn’t meant to be, and that she really does hope that she can find somebody to complete her family. I’m going to miss that woman. Honestly. #ReneeforBachelorette !

Stay tuned for another post tomorrow when drama goes down in the fantasy suite! Oooh la la!


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“I wish we had gardens in America”: a post brought to you by The Bachelor

Are you ready for this week’s Bachelor recap? I don’t think you are.

We missed the first ten minutes, at least, as we fought with our remote, because we’re all super bright sometimes. Turns out we need new batteries. If anything we missed Chris Harrison, which really would be a shame because he’s practically the best part of these shows. When we finally managed to turn on our TV, the first one-on-one was underway. Juan Pablo took our girl Renee out on an adventure in Vietnam and they got a tailor-made dress for her. So that was exciting I guess. They chat about their kids, they set little floating candles into a river and make wishes, and that was essentially the entire date. Renee spent quite a bit of her on camera interview time obsessively wondering about when J. Pabs would finally kiss her, while he spent a bunch of time on camera talking about how he won’t kiss Renee because he doesn’t want to set a poor example for her son. He reasoned that he’s old enough to see the show and understand what’s happening and he didn’t want to give any false impressions. Which would be lovely and chivalrous if the next date hadn’t happened …

For the group date, J. Pabs and his harem hop into little circular canoes (they look like big coconut shells) and they all paddle themselves down the river to a lovey community garden where they pick vegetables. Bless the talent on this show who all agreed that this garden was just lovely, and wouldn’t it be nice if we had those things in America? (FACEPALM). They finish off the date by heading back to the hotel and having cocktails, where the drama begins in earnest. In one corner we have Andi, fretting over the fact that she’s never had a one-on-one, and how dare he spend time with other girls?, as if she’s never seen the show before. And in the other corner we have Clare, who’s going after what she wants. J. Pabs invites her up to his private pool, saying (and yes, this is a direct quote) “I took her to my suite. I just wanted to have fun with her.” Wicked chivalrous, bro. They make out a bunch as the rest of the contestants sip their drinks below, and I fight the urge to vomit myself to death. Why does he always kiss tongue first? SO sloppy. Clare gets the rose and Andi contemplates drowning herself (or at least her sorrows) in her cocktail.

After the sister-wives head home, Clare sneaks back to J. Pabs’s place, at 4:00 in the morning, because she’s decided that she’d love to swim in the ocean. Juan thinks it’s a splendid idea indeed, and they splash in, and … bond. Two things, 1. That’s how you get all sorts of infections, Clare. 2. Somehow Bachelor Bob managed to have sex with five and half ladies (don’t even ask me how the half bit works, we have no idea), not on camera. If J. Pabs had only learned from Bob, a huge debacle could have been avoided. Alas. Finished frolicking, Clare gives an on camera interview, gushing about her “connection” and flashing her crazy eyes. She’s a subtle lady. At this point, we’d be pretty happy if Clare ended up with Pabs. We’re not especially fond of either, but they seem into each other, so it seems like a great match.

J. Pabs then takes Nikki (or Neekee Neekee as he says) out on a date where they have to rappel down a massive chasm into the “Hell Cave.” It’s essentially the beginning of Dante’s inferno. Of course, Nikki is bloody terrified and makes it a metaphor for love, gushing about how much she trusts Juan. I trust a bunch of people, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to throw myself down a hole called the “Hell Cave.” In the end, they make it down safely, then meet up for dinner, and Juan Pabs dazzles with his conversation skills “Neekee the nurse. How’s that?” which was apparently all she needed to humblebrag about what a selfless nurse she is for a million years. They make out, she gets a rose, etc. etc.

We make it finally to the rose ceremony with ALL the drama, and not the good kind. First, J. Pabs chats with Renee and tells her that he’s never ever going to kiss her ever because her son could be watching. She lets him know that her son knows that she’s out on a date, and that he understands why she’s doing what she’s doing. Juan essentially cuts her off with a kiss. Renee’s night = made.

Then, he pulls aside Clare to chat about their ocean romp. We’re fairly certain that what he wanted to say was “last night was fun, but in retrospect, I don’t think it was very fair to the other girls, so I don’t think we should do it again.” Instead, he essentially calls her a slut and tells her that she’s being a horrible example for his daughter. Clare is obviously incredibly taken aback and hurt. She asks the blunt, rational question: if you thought it was so wrong, why didn’t you just say no? And rather than answer her, Juan manages to keep on blaming and shaming her. I actually want to vomit myself to death now. Clare isn’t nearly as indignant or insulted as I think she should be; she’s mostly just weepy. I personally would have tried to cut him with the rose (perhaps not the most effective weapon, but I would enjoy the metaphorical significance). Somehow she manages to calm herself down and get through the rose ceremony, but you can bet your asteroid (kid) that this is going to come up again.

In the end, three women get sent home, and I wish I could remember their names but they weren’t major players, so there you have it. One leaves upset that she never had the chance to make a connection with “such a good guy.” Nuh uh honey, you’re not missing a thing. You’re truly one of the lucky ones.

Stay tuned to next week to find out what other new and exciting ways Juan Pablo can be offensive!

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