“I wish we had gardens in America”: a post brought to you by The Bachelor

Are you ready for this week’s Bachelor recap? I don’t think you are.

We missed the first ten minutes, at least, as we fought with our remote, because we’re all super bright sometimes. Turns out we need new batteries. If anything we missed Chris Harrison, which really would be a shame because he’s practically the best part of these shows. When we finally managed to turn on our TV, the first one-on-one was underway. Juan Pablo took our girl Renee out on an adventure in Vietnam and they got a tailor-made dress for her. So that was exciting I guess. They chat about their kids, they set little floating candles into a river and make wishes, and that was essentially the entire date. Renee spent quite a bit of her on camera interview time obsessively wondering about when J. Pabs would finally kiss her, while he spent a bunch of time on camera talking about how he won’t kiss Renee because he doesn’t want to set a poor example for her son. He reasoned that he’s old enough to see the show and understand what’s happening and he didn’t want to give any false impressions. Which would be lovely and chivalrous if the next date hadn’t happened …

For the group date, J. Pabs and his harem hop into little circular canoes (they look like big coconut shells) and they all paddle themselves down the river to a lovey community garden where they pick vegetables. Bless the talent on this show who all agreed that this garden was just lovely, and wouldn’t it be nice if we had those things in America? (FACEPALM). They finish off the date by heading back to the hotel and having cocktails, where the drama begins in earnest. In one corner we have Andi, fretting over the fact that she’s never had a one-on-one, and how dare he spend time with other girls?, as if she’s never seen the show before. And in the other corner we have Clare, who’s going after what she wants. J. Pabs invites her up to his private pool, saying (and yes, this is a direct quote) “I took her to my suite. I just wanted to have fun with her.” Wicked chivalrous, bro. They make out a bunch as the rest of the contestants sip their drinks below, and I fight the urge to vomit myself to death. Why does he always kiss tongue first? SO sloppy. Clare gets the rose and Andi contemplates drowning herself (or at least her sorrows) in her cocktail.

After the sister-wives head home, Clare sneaks back to J. Pabs’s place, at 4:00 in the morning, because she’s decided that she’d love to swim in the ocean. Juan thinks it’s a splendid idea indeed, and they splash in, and … bond. Two things, 1. That’s how you get all sorts of infections, Clare. 2. Somehow Bachelor Bob managed to have sex with five and half ladies (don’t even ask me how the half bit works, we have no idea), not on camera. If J. Pabs had only learned from Bob, a huge debacle could have been avoided. Alas. Finished frolicking, Clare gives an on camera interview, gushing about her “connection” and flashing her crazy eyes. She’s a subtle lady. At this point, we’d be pretty happy if Clare ended up with Pabs. We’re not especially fond of either, but they seem into each other, so it seems like a great match.

J. Pabs then takes Nikki (or Neekee Neekee as he says) out on a date where they have to rappel down a massive chasm into the “Hell Cave.” It’s essentially the beginning of Dante’s inferno. Of course, Nikki is bloody terrified and makes it a metaphor for love, gushing about how much she trusts Juan. I trust a bunch of people, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to throw myself down a hole called the “Hell Cave.” In the end, they make it down safely, then meet up for dinner, and Juan Pabs dazzles with his conversation skills “Neekee the nurse. How’s that?” which was apparently all she needed to humblebrag about what a selfless nurse she is for a million years. They make out, she gets a rose, etc. etc.

We make it finally to the rose ceremony with ALL the drama, and not the good kind. First, J. Pabs chats with Renee and tells her that he’s never ever going to kiss her ever because her son could be watching. She lets him know that her son knows that she’s out on a date, and that he understands why she’s doing what she’s doing. Juan essentially cuts her off with a kiss. Renee’s night = made.

Then, he pulls aside Clare to chat about their ocean romp. We’re fairly certain that what he wanted to say was “last night was fun, but in retrospect, I don’t think it was very fair to the other girls, so I don’t think we should do it again.” Instead, he essentially calls her a slut and tells her that she’s being a horrible example for his daughter. Clare is obviously incredibly taken aback and hurt. She asks the blunt, rational question: if you thought it was so wrong, why didn’t you just say no? And rather than answer her, Juan manages to keep on blaming and shaming her. I actually want to vomit myself to death now. Clare isn’t nearly as indignant or insulted as I think she should be; she’s mostly just weepy. I personally would have tried to cut him with the rose (perhaps not the most effective weapon, but I would enjoy the metaphorical significance). Somehow she manages to calm herself down and get through the rose ceremony, but you can bet your asteroid (kid) that this is going to come up again.

In the end, three women get sent home, and I wish I could remember their names but they weren’t major players, so there you have it. One leaves upset that she never had the chance to make a connection with “such a good guy.” Nuh uh honey, you’re not missing a thing. You’re truly one of the lucky ones.

Stay tuned to next week to find out what other new and exciting ways Juan Pablo can be offensive!

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