Category Archives: Rants

I heard Hoobastank on the radio, and now I question everything

So a little while ago I was at the dentist’s office, having my teeth cleaned by a lovely dental hygienist who is very understanding about my flossing habits but also tends to hum along with the muzak being piped into the office. She refrains from viciously hacking at my gums with steely instruments, but she has questionable taste in music. It’s a bit of a trade-off.  Anyways, we’re calmly listening to infuriatingly zen elevator music, and I’m trying to go to my happy place (where I don’t have somebody else’s fingers crammed in my mouth), when “The Reason” by Hoobastank comes on. 

What the heck?

This song came out in 2004 and was instantly the worst thing that ever happened to the world. That was overly harsh. I apologize. But, do you like “The Reason” by Hoobastank? Do you have any friends who do? Yes, exactly, me neither. At the time it was overwhelmingly mind boggling how the song became so outrageously popular when it was so widely disliked. But now, what’s even more puzzling and frankly troubling, is that it’s STILL being played on the radio, nine years later. I was under the impression that “The Reason” was universally regarded as the worst noise to ever pass itself off as music. I think I might have been wrong, and now I’m not sure how I feel about this world in which we live. I’m just not sure.

~ Julia Maurice Sabre-Ocean

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Jason Derulooooooo!

I’ve just seen this new Jason Derulo music video. First of all, I would like to say that I’m quite pleased he’s stopped shouting out his own name. On the other hand, now he’s found someone else to do it for him, so I’m less pleased about that.

It looks like the video was shot in Dr. Suess’ house with Liberace’s furniture. But also a little bit like they borrowed a green screen from The Lion King for the dance numbers.

Never has there been more seductive trumpet playing.

~ Hilary Lyon Axle Hatchet

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Hey, Miley, what happened to your eyebrows?

Recently, Miley Cyrus bleached her eyebrows to the point where they were near invisible. Why, you ask. Well, I have no idea and I would like to know the same thing. This, for those of you who were unaware this had happened, is what she looked like:

Put your tongue back in your mouth, woman!

Put your tongue back in your mouth, woman!

I don’t actually mind a lot of things about Miley Cyrus. I think her grammar and syntax is appalling (“don’t run we”? Honestly), but her songs are catchy and that shirt looks cool. I don’t really understand what she has against pants, but it’s not as if she spends her free time murdering kittens or performing ritual sacrifices by shoving virgins into volcanoes. Honestly, it could be a lot worse.

That having been said, with her eyebrows like this, she does not look spectacularly great, if only because it looks like she doesn’t have eyebrows at all. Actually, to be quite frank, like this, she’s just another thing to add the ever-growing list of people who look like Voldemort. At this point, Ralph Fiennes actually looks the least like Voldemort. Leah Miller looks the most like Voldemort, of course. She seems to have gone to the plastic surgeon and ask to made into Voldemort’s beauty pageant-participating twin sister, Voldemortette.

~ Hilary Lyon Axle Hatchet

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I’ll Believe It When I See It

While grocery shopping the other day, I saw numerous tabloid covers claiming that Jennifer Anniston is pregnant and that she and Justin Theroux are having twins, to which I say, LIES! Not until Jennifer Anniston is physically holding two newborn babies that she’s literally just given birth to will I believe this. Continue reading

#inadrunkenstupor

Today, the mayor of Toronto, the fourth largest city in North America, admitted to having smoked crack cocaine. But don’t worry guys, he followed it up with the defence that it was probably in a “drunken stupor” about a year ago. OH YES, much better. Most people just eat a lot of poutine when in a drunken stupor, but you know, I guess crack works too. Continue reading

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The Practical Aspects of Being Stranded

I had a dream recently about being stranded on a deserted tropical island, a la Lost. Really, though, it was just like an accidental vacation, so possibly not all that much like Lost. Like Lost without all the stress and murder and extremely convoluted allegories. So Gilligan’s Island. Continue reading

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And this is why I can’t have nice things

On the weekend I managed to break my laptop with my phone. Technology is turning against me! But seriously, in a shocking lack of dexterity I dropped my iPhone onto my open laptop, cracking the laptop screen. It looks like a wavy television test pattern and makes it really hard to watch Chuck online. Continue reading

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Questionable Footwear Choices: Denim Boots

Last night, I went to a thrift shop with my friend Heather to find some clothes she could wear for the Zombie walk that’s happening this weekend in Toronto. It’s pretty cool. Everybody gets all dressed up and made up and then roams the streets of Toronto in a creepy parade. People go all out and it’s awesome. (Sidenote: there’s something wrong with the “v” key on my laptop and I nearly wrote “eerybody” just then, which would’ve been an excellent moment of unintentional coolness).

In any case, we went to the thrift shop to see if we could find some warmish clothes that she could cover in fake blood. They had a lot of Halloween stuff out and more wigs than I can actually count. They’re really making the most of their seasonal market. The thing is, while a lot of it was obviously being geared toward the Halloween shoppers, a lot of other extremely questionable items were not. I saw a pair of denim boots. They were stiletto denim boots. They had pockets on the side. And belt loops at the top.

These boots, now being sold at a secondhand store, used to belong to someone firsthand. Someone wore those legitimately in regular life. Those existed as a footwear option in some store at some point in time. Those were a real item of clothing. And I can’t believe it.

I just can’t.

I mean, it’s not even just that they’re ridiculous, but they’re also not  very practical, are they? Denim is the last thing I want on my feet as a trudge through three feet of snow or leap over immense puddles. And I doubt they’d hold up very well against slush and salt stains, so when is the right time to wear these? Canada is not denim boot friendly.

~ Hilary Lyon Axle Hatchet

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I’m the ass today

The most profound thing I’ve ever learned from television I learned last night when watching an episode of Mom on demand. Take from that what you will. In the show Anna Farris is told that if you’re having one of those days where you think that everybody is being a complete ass, chances are you’re probably the ass. Continue reading

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Car Singing: Hanson Should Always Be Involved

On Friday night (technically Saturday morning), while driving home from a friends’ house at a very early morning hour, I experienced what was undoubtedly the best car sing-along session of my life. It started with a heartfelt rendition of “Colours of the Wind” and ended with the most glorious “Bohemian Rhapsody” duet I’ve ever heard in real life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvvZ1TEQRB8 Continue reading

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