Tag Archives: Rose ceremony

“It’s ok”: a post brought to you by The Bachelor

Well that got dramatic.

Tonight were the overnight dates in St. Lucia, and everything started off in typical Bachelor fashion. J. Pabs and Clare lounged on yacht, Andi and Juan sat by a waterfall, and Nikki and Juan Pablo rode horses down the beach. Typical Harlequin romance book cover type activities. Apart from Nikki’s absolutely astounding amount of cleavage, nothing too out of the ordinary. All three women went up to the Fantasy Suites and Juan Pablo got all starry-eyed over each of them.

Andi however had had enough. While last week she was excited by the prospect of falling for Juan Pablo, this week she realized that he doesn’t even know her at all. She felt that he didn’t ask her any questions about herself, that he didn’t know any of her important core values, and essentially, that this wasn’t turning into a real relationship, he was just having fun and didn’t actually care about her as a person. Well, yeah that sounds about right.

So she decides to go home, because this is not the sort of relationship she wants to be in. She breaks up with Juan Pablo and lets him know that she doesn’t see a future with him and that she feels like he doesn’t know her at all, doesn’t even really care about her. He says, “that’s ok” and that he understands her viewpoint, appreciates her honesty, and that if she’s not feeling it, he can’t make her stay.

This is where Andi should have cut her losses, given him a hug, gotten the heck out, and badmouthed him in her on-camera interview. But instead she takes offence to him saying that it’s ok because it just reinforces how very little he cares about her. It devolves into a very messy argument wherein Andi’s upset and trying to get straight answers out of Juan and where Juan simply says, shhh it’s ok, over and over and over. Honestly it was a bit exhausting, though a bit exciting. It gets especially good when Andi calls him out for being disrespectful for talking about his other overnight dates with her, and for saying that she only got through to this round “by default.” Defending himself, Juan Pablo says, “No, I said that you barely made it through to this round,” because somehow that’s better, and essentially says that it’s her fault if she’s insulted by his honesty. Eventually, when she realizes that she can’t have a spirited debate with Juan Pablo, as was apparently her hope, she packs up and leaves.

Juan says that he found the argument disappointing and that even if Andi asked to stay he wouldn’t let her. The whole point was that she didn’t want to stay, bud.

In the end, Clare and Nikki, arch-enemies forever, get the final two roses. At this point we hope Clare wins, partially because you can tell  by her crazy eyes how much she wants this, partially because they actually seem to enjoy each other and partially because she talks so much about her family and her dad that she might be the only one that Juan Pablo knows anything about.

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“You’re not respecting Momma!”: A post brought to you by The Bachelor

Well, we’re back, just in time for this week’s two part special! I won’t lie to you, this first part was awfully boring.

This week we saw hometown dates. First up is Aiiii Neekee Neekee. She takes Juan Pablo to a barbeque place and then they ride a mechanical bull. It’s all incredibly fascinating. Then, he meets her parents and has a lovely dinner with her family. He doesn’t outright ask for her parents’ blessing, but they do say that they trust Nicki completely and they support her in whatever decision she makes. Honestly, it was just that boring.

Next, J. Pabs heads to Andi’s hometown. She takes him to the shooting range and she gets a bulls-eye on her very first try. Needless to say, I think we’re all a bit terrified of Andi. Not only is she rather emotionally insecure but she’s armed and dangerous. Then it’s Juan Pablo’s turn and we can’t help but feel like it was a terrible idea to arm this man. Andi says that he can’t come home with her unless he hits a bulls-eye which I think is an odd standard. I’d say that he couldn’t come home with me unless he started respecting women or changed his views on marriage equality but I guess that’s just me.

Back at the range they have a lovely dinner with Andi’s family and her also very pretty sister. We’ve got the sort of Kate and Pippa Middleton effect happening here where we’re not quite sure which sister is prettier. Andi gushes to her family about all the wonderful adventures she’s been having with Juan and her dad is being a total Debbie Downer pointing out that the whole time they’ve been going on group dates. Literally, she’s had one one-on-one date with the man and she thinks she’s ready to get married to him? They’ve spent like a second together! We can’t help but agree with her dad. Later, J. Pabs attempts to ask her dad for his blessing, in a rather roundabout way, saying “if we get to that point, then would you welcome me to your family?” and the dad essentially says that they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it. Only he says it in a far more intimidating way so that Juan visibly shrinks back and says “ok, great.” Is it great Juan Pablo? IS it?

Next, Juan Pablo heads to Renee’s hometown and meets her son, who is just as precious as we could have imagined. I think it’s no secret that we’re essentially totally in love with Renee and her cutie kid just upped the ante. Also, I swear, she just keeps getting more beautiful. Her makeup was so minimal, and her hair was totally blah, and yet she was radiant.

Ok. I’ll stop gushing about Renee.

Renee and J. Pabs settle down to watch her son’s baseball game and then head to her parents’ house for dinner. I don’t know what it is about Renee – her maturity, her calm, lovely presence – but Juan Pablo is just so much less aggravating around her. She honestly brings out the best in him. It must be exhausting for her. J. Pabs chats with Renee’s bro and her dad while Renee and her mum have a wonderful heart-to-heart where her mum just gushes about how she wants Renee to be happy. We do too, we do too.

Finally, Juan meets up with Clare and her crazy eyes. They go for a walk as Clare talks more about her dad, and then they go over to her Momma’s house for dinner. She has a million sisters and they all seem to have a touch of the crazy. There’s a very, very odd incident where Laura won’t leave Clare or Juan alone with Momma and insists on speaking for her as if she’s some sort of interpreter. It turns out that Momma can indeed speak English and totally welcomes Juan into the family, so we have no idea what that was about. If anything, Laura might be crazier than Clare. Clare reacted to the whole thing like a calm, collected adult, and whined a bit and then cried, saying that nobody wanted to see her happy. Just ridiculous.

Finally the madness ended with the rose ceremony, where Juan sent Renee home.

I’m sorry, WHAT? She’s the best thing that ever happened to him!

On second thought, we’re actually rather glad that she’s managed to escape Juan Pablo’s clutches. RENEE FOR BACHELORETTE!

Renee leaves graciously saying that it wasn’t meant to be, and that she really does hope that she can find somebody to complete her family. I’m going to miss that woman. Honestly. #ReneeforBachelorette !

Stay tuned for another post tomorrow when drama goes down in the fantasy suite! Oooh la la!


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Questionable morals and soccer injuries: another Bachelor post

As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Juan Pablo said some extremely questionable and frankly offensive things about gay people in an interview over the weekend. He later issued an apology blaming the language barrier, but the interview was so bad that ABC released a statement letting viewers know that in no way do Jaun Pablo’s views reflect those of the network.

And this is our Bachelor. It’s not that every single other Bachelor in history has been the ultimate catch that we’re all delirious enough to want to marry. Most of them have been kinda ‘meh.’ But most of them have come across as decent human beings who didn’t talk much about their personal, political or religious views. And that suited us just fine. It’s a little hard to watch the show now as half naked women frolic around squealing over how lovely Juan Pablo is. Sure, he’s easy on the eyes. Yes, he seems like a nice guy. But he’s definitely not our favourite…

So with that in mind, Juan Pablo takes the former NBA dancer on one-on-one date in the world’s most useless invention: a Jeep that then turns into a speedboat. They ride it to a private yacht, which then then jump off of and swim around in the harbour. That’s how you get the runs.

Afterwards, they head back to J. Pabs’ place and make dinner together and salsa dance awkwardly in the kitchen. In his on camera interview J. Pabs waggles his eyebrows and says that he likes that she can dance. Sure.

Next, J. Pabs takes the “Science Educator” on a date where they have to tandem bungee jump off a bridge. She breaks into panicked tears – as any rational woman would – at the thought of hurtling herself off a bridge, tethered to J. Pabs. Juan Pablo spends the first ten minutes trying to talk her into jumping even though she’s clearly terrified, and it’s not until he finally concedes and tells her that they don’t have to do it, that she decides to do it. She realizes that she trusts him, and takes a leap of faith. You know what lady? The man you need to trust is the one with the questionable goatee who strapped you in.

After that debacle, they have dinner and a private concert by a country artist probably known to other people who actually listen to country but certainly not known to me. They dance, she gets a rose, blah blah blah.

The final date is a group date where Juan Pablo teaches the girls soccer drills and then they play a game against each other. Not being athletic or into organized activities of most kinds I probably would have just left this date, packed my evening gowns, and gone. The ladies all stuck it out though, despite half of them getting smoked in the face by flying soccer balls. Never has anything so uncoordinated graced my television screen. It was like a million Taylor Swifts, running, elbows flailing, across a soccer stadium and it was awesome.

Afterwards, they all change and have cocktails and the drama officially commences. Sharlene and J. Pabs make out (which was legitimately horrifying, I never want to see that much tongue again) and the other girls get jealous. In the end, J. Pabs gives the rose to Nicki (“Aiiiiii Neekee Neekee!”) and they all go home.

Back at the ranch instead of having a cocktail party they have a pool party. There are tears. Of course. Claire, and her slightly crazy eyes, has a bit of a cry in the bathroom because J. Pabs is kissing Sharlene (yes again, why must they assault our eyes?) and of course, Renee has to be the one to calm her down. Geesh.

In the end, Juan sends home a girl with very sparkly shorts and the Free Spirit. TBH, we’re going to rather miss Lucy and her loveliness. Her brazen nudity perhaps not, but he kindness, for sure.

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J. Pabs. Kicking off the 18th season of the Bachelor in style

Well, it’s begun. The 18th season of The Bachelor, this round starring Juan Pablo, or “J. Pabs” as we’ve affectionately nicknamed him. It’s probably the only thing that could bring us out of semi-hiatus. You’re welcome world.

This season takes place in Miami, so if everybody is tangerine in colour (and they are), at least they have more of an excuse this time? We kick off the episode with Sean showing up to give J. Pabs some slightly awkward bro-ish bachelor advice. We all can’t seem to remember Sean being so ginger in the past (did they give him highlights when he was Bachelor??) but he’s as charismatic as always.

Oh and speaking of tangerines, here’s Chris Harrison! Nice tan bro.

This season we’re pleasantly surprised by the fact that there are some very smart contestants! A federal prosecutor, a pediatric nurse, a psychiatric nurse (with gorgeous hair), and a beautiful Canuck who’s also an opera singer (man she was poised.)

We’re also pleasantly surprised by some contestants who just sound really, really dumb. Is “science educator” actually an occupation? How is “free spirit” a job? Or “dog lover”? Let’s just call a spade a spade, you’re “fun”-employed. And then there’s the girl who shows up with a fake baby bump, because she knows that he wants more children. (*waggles eyebrows* in a creepy whisper: “I’ll be your vessel”) BAD STRATEGY.

The girls all filing out of the limos provided just so much candid entertainment. J. Pabs checks out each one’s bum as she walks away. There’s a couple awkward pauses, a couple awkward hugs, two gifts for Camila, one lady pronouncing his name right, a bicycle powered piano, and some extremely blinged out dresses.

Then we kick off the cocktail party with music, dancing, and the first champagne of many, many more to come. There’s a whole lot of squealing and “he’s so cute, ohmygod, I’m going to die.” (only if you do so quietly, please.) Then there’s the classic line, and I think that this hints at a strong foundation for a strong relationship: “that accent! … I don’t even care we what you’re saying, just keep talking.” Uh huh. And then the waterworks start; girls are already crying because they haven’t yet had a one-on-one chat with J. Pabs. You know what love, I’ll save you the trouble, the whole conversation will essentially be him going “hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? Oh giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrl.” Is it just us,  or does J. Pabs sort of seem like the stereotypical gay best friend? “What can I saaaaaaaaaaaaaay?” “Honestlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy wow.”

The first impression rose goes to the Canadian beauty, Sharlene, who seems wholly unimpressed by it. He asks her if she’ll accept his rose, and she goes “really?” sardonically. That must have knocked him down a couple pegs… Eventually she says “sure. Yes.” She could not be less impressed by it. She’s all “oh it felt a little forced” and he’s all “oh I like the way you are.” Hilary really relates to Sharlene, which I think, tells you a lot about her. She’s just kind of just standing there suppressing every eye roll in the world.

Let the rose ceremony commence! After accidentally calling the wrong name (he did say that he was bad with names…) and making the whole thing incredibly awkward, J. Pabs sends home:

  • The girl he called by accident but who he didn’t actually want. That’s sad really.
  • The really depressed mineral coordinator.
  • The scary personal trainer.
  • And the incredibly terrifying masseuse.

A bunch of them cry, because picturing their life with Juan Pablo “was really great”. You rested all your hopes and dreams on Juan Pablo?

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“I’ve never seen him like this!” (Nor will you again): A recap of The Bachelorette

Last night Des met each of her boyfriends’ families in what was disappointingly boring television. Not that we necessarily are rooting for Des to end up heartbroken or anything so callous, but a little excitement wouldn’t go amiss. Continue reading

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Catching up

Yesterday was Canada Day for us Cannucks, so Hil and I took the day off and head to the beach with our sister-in-law Jess and got a solid hour and a half of sun before it became overcast and quite chilly. An adventure nonetheless! But today, we’re back in business, as you can tell by Hilary’s blog below about poor Ace Knute (pronounced Ka-nute, yes, shameful) Johnson. And since nothing since the birth of North West could top such a ridiculous name, I’m going to chat about last night’s Bachelorette and generally catch you all up. Continue reading

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I want a love that can light the darkness: a post brought to you by The Bachelorette

This week kicks off the travelling! The first stop: Atlantic City. Ben Flajnik took his dates to Switzerland – I feel disappointed. Continue reading

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“This is a caged match of death!” Oh wait, it’s just dodgeball. (A post brought to you by The Bachelorette)

Date one: Group date one

Brandon wears an orange sweatband to play dodge ball. I think that that’s all I need to say about that. Continue reading

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NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE A METAPHOR!: A post brought to you by The Bachelor

It’s down to the final three and the overnight dates. We start the show with a montage showing the highlights of all three relationships as Sean does a voiceover. It’s entirely unnecessary because we all saw this stuff like just last week, but I also think that it would SUCK to watch this back after you’ve won the show. Sean talks about all the things that make each relationship special and different and I can’t help but feel like watching my fiancé talk about how lovely his ex-girlfriends are on national television would make me want to vomit myself to death. Continue reading

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